What to do?

Hi,

I'm looking for some advise re: my ex girlfriend.

We recently broke up for the 6th time because she said she didnt feel loved and that our relationship wasn't going anywhere. I have been told by everybody, including her parents, that she will never find someone as patient as myself.

In the last couple of months she has been very irritable and has been speaking about marriage, children and the future. I'm about 3/4 of the way through building a house i bought for us to live in together. After our last break up, we both moved back to live our parents. My ex girlfriend is 35 and she has a history of suffering from psychosis, she has been hospitalised twice as far as i know, and was seeing a doctor and taking pills to help her cope. She stopped taking the medication, because she felt that she was ok, and stopped seeing her doctor. Now, we have broken up 5 out of 6 times for the same reasons. Every time it has been about her not being loved and she always says that if i loved her, i would have proposed by now?! I guess my reason for not proposing yet, is that i wanted things to be stable. I said something the other night that made her fly off the handle in a big way. She was talking about a friend of mine and his fiance. She said that they looked so happy together, and i replied, "that's why their getting married"! My girlfriend, or ex, got up from the table we were sitting at and stormed out to her car wanting to leave. When i asked her what was wrong, she said, "Well, you obviously don't love me, because you haven't proposed"! That happened last week, and this week we are not together anymore. We went from speaking multiple times a day to nothing!
Is it possible, as so many people have suggested to me, that she could still be suffering from effects of her past illness. I love and care for her deeply, but i'm at a crossroads at the moment, do i try and fight for what i want or do i let it go.
Does someone who's been through what she has, ever fully recover?

I have no idea but looking at your past history, I say avoid getting into a legal situation with her. You can't solve her problems and shouldn't be tied down to someone who seems to be willing to leave on a dime.

I hesitantly agree with oldlife....with one caveat. While I understand from your post that she is obviously unstable, I'm not sure that the lack of proposal didn't exacerbate the situation or situations. I know you (wisely) would prefer for things to be a little more settled before doing so...but given her already unsteady belief in your love/commitment, it could sound a bit like waiting to have kids when you 'can afford it'. If everyone did that, there would be far fewer kids born and although that might be a good thing, given some of the trauma children go thru because of people who were not ready to be parents, far more great parents became so without having everything perfectly set before getting pregnant.

You know her best, of course, and I also understand your frustration and confusion...but looking at things more from her point of view, she might be afraid she's waiting for your inevitable rejection, rather than proposal. That could add to her already growing anxiety...dragged out anticipation can also feel like slow torture. (I know you're building a house for 'both' of you....but you're perfectly capable of living in it without her, remember. I'm pretty sure she does.)

I wonder if she has ever been diagnosed with anything by a doctor. I have a couple of diagnoses and I try very hard to manage them with therapy, medication, and understanding what is going on in my body. I think that if you and she become more aware of what exactly you are dealing with, then you can work from there. As I have recently been given up on by my husband of 10 years, I hesitate to say walk away. Because I am on the side of being walked away from. However, it sounds like you are probably not an ahole like my husband is. Because at least you have reached out here and are trying to find some answers. I guess my suggestion is to really try and understand what she is going through and if it is something you can "deal" with or see through with her, then don't give up yet.

The fact that you have reached out on this site makes me so happy. Knowing that there are actually people out there that care about the one they "love" to seek help rather than give up is comforting.

I'll try to give you a little insight into my own experience with a situation that is not altogether dissimilar (in a very general sort of way). This is just by way of providing you with an example, BTW, and I'm not necessarily making a direct comparison.

My marriage of 16 years is just now coming to an end, and I can't help but see a familiar pattern in the few details that you've provided. I loved, and do love, my (soon to be ex-) wife very much, and I know that she loves me. But (as I've written in my own posts), the harsh reality is that love alone does not simply "conquer" the difficulties of behavioral problems such as those that you outline. My own wife has suffered, for years, from OCD, anxiety & depression, and bouts with borderline personality disorder. She would, at somewhat regular intervals, display behaviors very similar to those that you describe: e.g., disproportionate levels of angst, inappropriate reactions, and a general, inexplicable aversion to rational problem-solving.

In the early phases of our relationship, we went through a lot of the same sorts of things, with her becoming upset and frightened over this-or-that (non)issue, breaking up with me, and then within a short time wanting to get back together. She always seemed so very sincere and kind in those "make up" moments, but the irrational fears and attendant anger that she would express were just as "real." Her behavior could be, at times, extremely erratic and alarming. She simply didn't have the ability to think ahead and consider the true ramifications of what she was doing in her moments of panic and confusion.

There's more to say about the underpinnings and nuances of this sort of behavioral illness, but I'll stick to trying to give you an answer to your question `does a person ever fully recover?' From my own perspective, I would say that I think that it is certainly not impossible for someone to "recover" from these problems. But it is extraordinarily difficult, particularly in the context of a relationship. Here's why: a person with behavioral problems stemming from the borderline personality disorder spectrum (which, for now, is the term that I'm nominally applying) is never going to get "better" unless they, themselves, truly recognize the problem and take their own steps toward recovery. And that can never happen if you are there to constantly "run interference" for that person by being the "fixer" in the relationship. By doing so, you will only be "enabling" a continuation and worsening of the irrational behavior. Believe me, I understand that you do this out of love, but it's not what the person needs.

She needs to be allowed to "fail," so to speak, on her very own terms and feel the full weight of the consequences of her own actions. That may sound harsh, but it isn't as bad as the fallout from enabling the behavior year after year. My guess would be that your girlfriend has come to see you (without even consciously knowing it) as a sort of "cushion" between her and the consequences of her behavior. When she experiences the inner emotional turmoil brought-on by her BPD-like mindset, she increasingly feels that she can lash-out and behave in any way she wants, because she knows that, eventually, you're going to come back around to "rescue" her.

The result, if it's allowed to continue, is a disastrous pattern of co-dependence that becomes harder and harder to break. If you want to love this person and experience a healthy relationship with her, then you've got to do something right now to break that pattern. Otherwise--no--she will not recover and things will only get worse. And your own sanity will also begin to slip, because you will slowly be trained to "accept" that love is a one-way street--i.e., that it's "wrong" to "expect" anything in return for your constant input of affectionate effort.

The pattern must be broken. That's the long and short of it.

I'll suffix all of this with the following caveats: again, I'm only giving you insight from my own, familiar-sounding situation, without knowing a lot of the details of yours. I could be completely off-base, and much of what I've pointed-out, here, may very well not apply at all. Also, please know that in no way am I writing these words in an effort to remove hope. There is always hope. Believe that. But know that it is very difficult and that if you do truly want the relationship to work, you've got to be strong and refuse to live someone else's life for them, no matter how difficult their situation and no matter how much you love them. They are better off solving their own problems. Show your unequivocal support, but do not fall into the trap of thinking that love is equivalent to fixing the mistakes caused by the one you care about.

Best of luck to you.