[Big Mama]

My H and I are undergoing a trial separation. An experiment is more like it, to see what things would really be like if we were to separate for real. We are getting ready to come back together soon with the help of the marriage T we have been using threw this whole process.

I am working on determining what are some deal breakers when my H returns. If things remain unchanged. The Top 3 deal breakers.

1. My H has OCD. So the top deal breaker is him not letting go of the OCD and having me bend to his OCD cleaning standards. He can change his ways or take meds for it. Don't hold me to the standard of cleaning which no one but him can meet.

The item in question is this. How do I say this nicely.

2. I don't want to fight over money. I don't have a job and haven't ever since we have been married. There comes a time when I have to ask for money. For the kids clothes, for birthday presents, for school functions, sometimes I actually need socks or shoes. I feel like I am not to ask him for anything involving money. It causes a huge amount of conflict between the two of us to ask for money for any reason. I have explained to my H many times that if I come to him for money and I actually ask for it, then I have reached the point of total desperation. I have exhausted every possible avenue.

I'm not saying "If you don't give me money every time I ask for it then I am leaving" What I am saying is being reasonable, don't assume I have money, I got money from somewhere, there is money left over from grocery money, because there is not. Where in the world would I get money. I don't work and if you don't give it to me, then I don't have it. Knowing that I hate to ask you for it, and I work up the nerve to fight threw the fear please find it in your heart to give me the money I need.

How do you make that statement into an explanation of a deal breaker?

I don't know what the deal breaker #3 would be as of yet. I can think of so many things.

*don't bring up the past abuse as a weapon to satisfy your own needs (saying I don't want to be intimate has something to do with past rape and CSA, sometimes it does, 90 % of the time it doesn't)

* give me some freedom, let me go to the grocery store and not give me time constraints. Let me go to church and let me go to church meetings with out asking what took so long or when are you going to be back. Let me go to the library with out asking why do you need to go to the library or what took so long,

* Treat me like your wife, your equal. Not your maid and cook, house keeper and baby setter of your children.

There are more, but I cannot think anymore. Sometimes it is just to much to think about and I have to take it in small steps.

How does one say that nicely about the money issue? I'm not being a B**ch and saying give me money or else, I'm just saying help me please. Our needs are not met help me.

[MarkNoo11]

Preparation is a good thing. You need to anticipate, as much as is possible, what his deal breakers are going to be. Reconciliation is always about figuring out how much you can put up with and learning how to see things the way your partner sees them.
I think you would be surprised at how few couples know why what they are doing is upsetting to the other partner.
For instance, if you know someone is an alcoholic it is less difficult to accept that they don't like it when you drink.

Alcoholism is a big thing, but a lot of people don't know about the small things.

[Big Mama]

The big things, alcoholism, drug use, affairs, stealing money/writing checks for large amounts with out first taking about are all no brainers.

It is those small every day things that becoming annoying big things that you have to worry about.

When H comes home at the end of the month, there are things that we need to talk about. He is supposed to have a list of 3 of the top issues and deal breakers for him, and I am supposed to have the top 3 deal breakers for me. Hoping for a compromise or a cease fire. If there are things that we cannot bend on, deal breakers, then at least we know now that we should call it quits and that this is not going to get any better.

[Mike_J]

For item number one, how about phrasing it as wanting/needing him to get some help with his mental illness.

Number two seems to be a power issue, he makes the money he controls the money, that is a lot of power. You need to have a budget on paper, make sure you both know everything about all financial issues, and that you both have access to money as long as you BOTH stick to your agreed upon budget.