[trinita]

Hello to all of you. I want to share my story to see if I can get any insights or comments to help me. A little more than a year ago my husband moved out of the house after almost 28 years of marriage and more than 30 being together. At some point we agreed on a separation that I saw as a trial period to let him experience what he wanted: to live and be alone. His explanations at the time of asking for a separation didn't make any sense to me: a long list of personal reproachs (sp?) and recriminations that a little later -when I could begin to process/ elaborate what was happening- I saw for what they really were: he was expressing a lot of his personal frustrations and making me responsible for them. I tried very hard to talk things over, to offer alternatives to no avail... At first I asked for couples therapy; we lasted a session and a half: he cut the second session short telling the therapist ''I'm not moving forward without talking about the deep issues''. I saw his statement as proof that he had identified the deep issues that were troubling him, and subsequently offered ways and alternatives to talk about these ''deep issues''. He refused time and again, only asking to meet both of us to talk about the division of assets after him asking for a divorce ONE MONTH AND TWENTY DAYS AFTER MOVING OUT OF THE HOUSE. I suffered a mental, emotional, and psychological breakdown so bad that my psychiatrist committed me for a few days in order to keep me for hurting myself further. I couldn't understand what was happening. I felt that our relationship was at the core of my identity so much so that I yet have trouble using ''he'' and ''I'' instead of ''us''. Our personal history was so strong that all our old friends were in total disbelief about what was going on... As all of you can imagine, fortunately, our three children are adults so the kind of support I receive from them is very strong, and inversely, they almost cut communication with their father. Almost all of the professionals involved in my care (psychiatrist, therapist, social workers, lawyer) saw his actions as a result of a midlife crisis, and I should agree with them because I read a lot about the subject, and most of the marks are there: high demands and disappointments at work that increased an heightened state of anxiety. I tried to address this directly with my husband, but he refused time and again telling me that his decision was ''rational'' -which clearly wasn't, and that the relationship ''had run its course''-which is very debatable because we had this new stage in life in front of us: the last kid off to college, more time to ourselves, new opportunities to travel, and so on... Nothing came of this: I yet feel like a rag used and reused, and thrown on the roadside. Complicating things further, we are alone in this country: we came here almost 25 years ago to pursuit graduate studies, with two children already (one was 3 y.o. and the other 10 months); we got our degrees after working very hard, and then -since the circumstances favored my husband, he got a job in our discipline. Since I'm almost totally deaf, it was very difficult for me to master the necessary English skills to compete in our field so when my husband got his dream job, he offered me a part time position to teach in our language, Spanish. Everything was falling in its place (better job, better financial situation, a beautiful house, successful children) but he suddenly began to take distance from me, and I understood it as a way of being more independent in our lives. Wrong! After coming back from one of his trips, and after giving me a beautiful turquoise and silver necklace in the morning, he asked for the separation at night after dinner... being it THE FIRST TIME THE WORD ''SEPARATION'' CAME OUT HIS MOUTH. And, as I already said, a month and twenty days later, he came to the house and asked for a divorce with having already retained a divorce lawyer. To me, it was mind boggling that he was destroying everything that we worked so much to accomplish in such a short time without giving the whole situation a second look. Moreover, he was already seeing a therapist before asking for the separation; at the time I thought it was because of his problems at work: he had an history going back in time when he grew restless about his job, went to a therapist and decided to look for a better post. All of this is very painful for me: I feel I supported him in every way possible, I did what I was asked to do every time, I loved and cared for him very, very much... and here I am, alone, being in the position to sell the house in order to move out of the small city, and confronted with a lot of uncertainty regarding my future.
Sorry about making this story so long and please, excuse my English (because of my condition, most of my relationships are conducted in Spanish). I only ask for any useful insight that can help me going forward. Thanks.

[healingme4me]

I can appreciate how you'd feel used and discarded. Almost sounds like the type of 'fella that would have been planning this all along, and once the kids are all grown up, plot his stepping away. And of course you were devastated!! If he wasn't happy before, at some point he needed to be man enough to confront you! I'm so sorry, it's like here you are in the years of you life, that I'd imagine you'd envisioned entering a new phase in your life, and he just runs, runs, runs away.

[profound_betrayal]

Trinta
I am not in a position to advise you. I was very sorry to read of your experience given the lenght of your marriage as well. My spouse changed over night as well.
I gave him distance & started concentrating on myself - never revealing when I was most saddened. I take a walk, lost some weight and thinking about what I wish for myself. Have been homemaker, so personal identity is useless. I will send link to you as I do not want to 'cross post ' here.

[wish_I_was]

Hi Trinita. I can't imagine the pain and sadness you are feeling right now. We are here for you. I'm currently studying American Sign Language in college, and I must say, you have amazing English skills! I'm glad you have your three children for support. Be good to yourself. You sound like a beautiful person. ((Hugs))