[musicalsweety]

So my husband sent me this today:

"I'm not looking for short easy answers because I really want to understand your reply, so if you need to talk it through with your counselor and get back to me at a later date I'd greatly prefer that to be honest with you.

Firstly you mentioned in your letter that now your needs factor in. I was hoping you could expound on that as to what the needs where that were being neglected. I want to understand more about where I was failing relationally or what we could have done to address them.

The second question stems from before the separation and continues to today. It is difficult to phrase and ask but I feel its best that I do. In our interactions and dealings over the last 3 months I have felt a very strong shift in your perspective toward me. I accept that it is a reaction that I have caused. There are two sides to every story and in order for me to make some tough decisions I would like to know what your side is. I think that when I look at myself and when you look at me we have two very different images. I'm not trying to invalidate or argue your picture of me. There has in my experience been a widening incongruence though and my therapist and I realize I may have a blindspot. He only hears from me and his treatment mirrors back what I tell him. So we thought it best to ask. Who am I in your mind? Not as a title relationally you have been very clear there. But if you were to describe all of me to someone else, who am I as a father, was as a husband, provider, strengths, deficits, personality and just in general. What is the good, the bad and the plenty of ugly of me. Your answer is not part of my recovery. It does though factor heavily in my future planning and our ability to co-parent effectively. I want the unpadded honest truth. "

I tried to go his therapist appointments when we were together and he said that his therapist would only see him. And he in the past has put all of his recovery on me. I am hesitant to answer these as I fear they will be added to the list of things "I am controlling or do to him".

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[kaliope]

as he states in his note, why not discuss it with your therapist.

he is asking for the truth, why not give it to him. it could be healing for you to express it. just be careful not to attack him. that would be part of that controlling. talk rather about situations you did not like, avoid you statement. instead of saying I didn't like that you wouldn't let me go out with my friends you say I didn't like that I wasn't allowed time with my friends. subtle difference but it avoids pointing fingers and putting someone on the defensive.

im sure your therapist would have some good ideas on what would be good for you.

[Mike_J]

Wow, I wish my ex would have been not just willing but wanting to hear how I perceive them, and to hear it with an open mind.

I would agree with kaliope, go over it with your therapist and give him the blunt truth that he is asking for.

[healingme4me]

My T, and personal experience says, go with your gut.

Depends on the motivation of this line of questioning, what and how [to answer ].

An exercise like this, would be lovely in couples counseling, reconciliatory in nature.

Your initial mentioned reservation, clearly lacks trust in motive.
Could answer, that you aren't in a stage of your own recovery, to find comfort in answering.



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