Moving forward

So after doing a lot of thinking about how to move forward in our separation and his addiction this is what came up with. Feedback is welcome:

"You’ve indicated in your plan for recovery that this is a 2-3 year process. All the research that I’ve done supports that time period.
What I hear from that:
IT will be 2-3 years before you can wholly work on us.
You won’t be able to have a healthy connection with me until that process is complete
You will be unable to court me fully until you’ve completed that time.

From what I understand no one would encourage you pursing a relationship during this time. That if you were not already married you would follow the normal cycle, plant, animal, relationship with a year in between each thing.

I appreciate that you are excited about the things you’re discovering but it’s not very realistic at this time to expect me to be excited about it also since I have endured three years of back and forth, up and down and abuse while you’ve been trying to figure this out. My experience has been the opposite of yours.
It’s kind of like the growth pattern for kids. When toddlers are discovering new things they’re often super excited and want to share it with the world. Then as they grow they gain understanding and maturity so that by the time they hit adolescence there’s an understanding that not everything needs to be shared with everyone. Then in adulthood that understanding is greater and rather than looking for constant approval, the plan is just put into action. I view this that way as well. You’re in the toddler stage which makes you excited for change. You and I cannot relate until you hit the adult stage.

So…. How do we make that work?
I am willing to commit to a two year window of waiting. This means that In two years I will be willing to reassess where we are at. I understand we might decide we need longer but I don't feel It will take less than two years and significant change would need to take place for me to consider reassessing before the two year mark. Barring some large incident that would leave room for change in this agreement. This would mean we would establish finances and visitation upfront. We would also establish a time monthly at first and then probably weekly where we could sit down face to face and catch up on kids and such. You would not be pursuing me in any way during this time. Then you would live your life as you walk out recovery and I would live mine. IT would mean that you would not update me daily or weekly on your recovery. You would just do it.

I see growth in you already. The question is, will that continue? Or will the zealousness fade? Will you be able to be consistent? Will you fizzle out like you have in past attempts at recovery? I need the time to see that happen. And I’m willing to wait to see."

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I like everything except you being stuck in a holding pattern for two years. I wouldn't be in a rush to move forward in a new relationship but I wouldn't be agreeing to put your life on hold for two years. You should move forward when you are ready for it, if it's with him once he is done with is recovery great, if it's with someone else that is fine too.

Yea I wrestle with that as well. I've contemplated somehow specifying I wouldn't be filing for a divorce but I would be moving on in my life somehow. Got any wording suggestions

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I think Mike J put it rather succinctly .... I would tell him just that.

You're willing to wait but not willing to put your entire life on hold for 2 years, that you're not in a hurry to meet someone however 'You should move forward when you are ready for it, if it's with him once he is done with is recovery great, if it's with someone else that is fine too.'

And its fine for him as well. There is no guarantee he won't meet someone during his recovery, whether he plans or expects it, or not. The swing moves both ways.

Take care.

Two years is a long time, to promise to another, when you aren't even certain, you'd both still want to be together, after.

A promise can be made, these years are individual years. No active seeking, takes that long to reach that point anyways, imo.

If he's in his recovery, stands to reason, you've your own version of recovery to work on, anyway.

Life isn't on hold, per se. It's just, perhaps critical to prioritize self work, not loneliness filling voids work.



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See post "floored" for the latest. I will no longer be sending that document.

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Hi,

Just caught the end of this conversation. After I got sober I was not the same person my husband married. I am a polar opposite of his past wife. I know AA tells people to wait until they have one year of sobriety to date or make major decisions.
Also, I don't want to be a Debbie downer but most people are not able to get sober.

Best of Luck

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

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