[eskielover]

I have been trying to get an appointment with my lawyer since earlier this summer. He's been busy with court & not returning my calls so finally I got a call back after my last call & got an appointment for this next Tuesday.

I really want to get this divorce finalized before stbxh does something to end up destroying me worse financially than he already has.....which initially was why I didn't push the divorce because of the financial mess he had made out of our life.

After moving 2100 miles away, it's been impossible to know what stupid things he's doing....when I tried to cash the IRS check, I found that he was living by paying his bills using the overdraft in our joint account. Now that I'm finished paying the IRS out of that account & I have 3 years of statements from it....I closed the account that day right after I cashed the check....have no idea how he managed to live that month....but only cared really about how the dogs were being fed.

The difficult part is that I actually left, leaving almost everything in the house....I didn't bring much except for a few holiday decorations & a few pieces of furniture.....but everything that we collected over those 33 years of marriage are still 2100 miles away & I doubt that I will ever be able to get there & haul them here with the cost of gas & the cost of movers is even worse.......

My lawyer wanted me to make a list of things that I wanted out of the marriage....7 years later it's hard to remember what was in the house & the garage had all my mom's things from her house after she died.....so in reality, he has everything & I have my farm that I bought with my inheritance money. There is no savings left as he mismanaged everything so bad when my depression got so bad that there was nothing left in any of the IRA's, the house ended up upside down & he almost let that go to foreclosure last year & then after 2 years of not paying property tax or house payment he still didn't have any money to make the house payment after they modified it. Getting the 3 years of statements has proved to me what he was doing with the money that he refused to let me know about.....just irresponsible spending. But that's just one of the huge things we fought over for 33 years.

I am so glad to be away from him....the anger has finally subsided & it did even more after I have researched what probably was the cause for the bad marriage since even before we got married & the issues I had with him.....that has helped me even more as it's the only thing I have found that 100% describes the issues while everything else kept leaving holes that didn't explain the problems.........

I still have to get rid of my car that is sitting in his driveway now.....we went around for years because he kept telling me that I had the ownership papers here with me & I never brought any papers for anything with me (initially not even my birth certificate....dumb on my part)....but he is always so sure that what his mind thinks is right, so sure that he will fight over it. So he kept insisting & I kept telling him that I didn't have the paperwork & then silence & then I would ask again & the same stupid crap over & over for 2 years. Tried to get a duplicate from the DMV but they needed paperwork that he had shredded......why would he shred paperwork that was the last current paperwork? Because he thought it wasn't needed any longer....but he kept older paperwork. So now all I have is a picture of the car sitting in his driveway & the last license place & tag that's on it. The car died years ago right before he tried to register it & now it needs to be scrapped & I'm not willing to let him do it because I don't want him getting the money that I need for my dental work & all the things that are left there that he has anyway....he doesn't deserve that money on top of it.

So I made up my list for the lawyer....he said that if I ever get there then I will have a legal, judge approved list to demand my things with. Ugh, I have always hated trying to deal with STBXH on anything for all the 33 years....his mind doesn't work logically....he lives is some other world (one reason why the research I've done has really helped me understand why that is also)....but it doesn't make me like him or like dealing with him any more than before I knew what his issues probably are.

I just really want this over.......what a relief it will be never having to deal with him EVER again in my life.....I so grew to dislike him through those years of fighting & even before we got married, he had an attitude issue that I have now understood better also....but I don't like it & I never did.....& it will be such a relief to get this part of my life over with. I have no desire to get married ever again, so getting the divorce isn't about being free to get married again....it's just that I don't want him doing something that will financially come back & bite me & make me responsible for him.

He's going to end up homeless if he continues the way he's going. Frustrating in that you can't get a conservator for someone....APS says that if they can make decisions whether good or bad, it's their problem......I have no idea if Social Security listened to my comment that he needs a payee....they were going to look into it......but over the distance......have no way of telling & he never communicated when we were married & it's worse now. It's sad that his high IQ was never translated into being a functioning human being. It did translate into him thinking he was so much better & smarter than others but he could never function & had no lick of common sense & couldn't handle any problems that came up in life....I was always having to fix the messes that he made when I tried to get him to take care of problems. I knew that I knew how...I thought he just needed practice...but he could practice forever & still never be capable.

What a waste of 33 years + of my life....actually it's been 39 years now since I left him 7 years ago. The interesting thing is that over these last 7 years, I have come to realize that I wasn't the one causing the problems & I was reacting the way others would have reacted given the same situations......but growing up with parents who had no social skills for 21 years & living with a H who had none for another 33 years......I was continually having a fear if interfaceing with people & feeling that I really didn't know how. All I ever interfaced with except for in my engineering career were dysfunctional people....& I realize now that was some of my struggles communicating in my engineering career even though I did ok.....I never knew if I was doing ok or not because of the struggles I had all my life being surrounded by dysfunctional parents & then H.

These last 7 years have given me such a wonderful chance to learn who I really am & what I am really capable of being like without having to always compensate for those dysfunctional people I was living with. I always knew that there was something wrong trying to deal with my family & my H....but I wasn't able to see it until I got away from it completely & do research to be able to figure out what was really the cause of much of what I had been living around & what had been effecting my life so negatively in so many ways.

Life is still a challenge....but I can better handle it now that I am the only one involved in the challenge & don't have others messing things up that I have no control over that directly effected my life so negatively.

Freedom is good......I can't wait until the freedom is finalized & hope that nothing bites me between now & then.

I am so sorry you had to go threw this but I see hope and like you said freedom I bet whatever you left behind dose not compare .
Do you think your ex will let you have the dogs ?

[eskielover]

We split up our dog children 7 years ago....& I'm down to 3 out of the 7 I started with because the older ones were the ones I was so very attached to along with the youngest who was also very attached to me.

Well got the letter & we made the necessary changes for the way things ARE now over the last year....no more IRS, no more joint account that I closed the beginning of summer. Gave him the list of things I doubt that I will ever get there to take...but at least it's documented. H basically ended up with house full of everything from 33 years of marriage & all my mom's things in a 50/50 divorce & he says that he doesn't owe me the 100/month which is half of the retirement fund....

But it's in the letter. Will go back next week to get the letter finished & sent & see if stbxh will sign it. Most times he never knew what he was signing when we were married...who knows what he will do...probably like with the IRS & the mortgage company forclosure....IGNORE IT .

Sometimes I do just feel like I escaped with me life but his financial incapability continues to HAUNT me. There are times when I think a friend of mine was lucky. She got her freedom when her H died of cancer. I wouldn't wish that on anyone but I do wish the freedom without the battles