Divorce seems imminent...

I am a male, 27, and am facing my very first potential divorce. Brace yourselves readers!

I have been married to my wife for 3 years, and we have known each other for 4. When we first started dating, I got out of a very quick and very bad relationship (if you can call it that, we dated and I fell hard for this girl I felt was way out of my league but I was with her about 2 months). Anyways I took it hard and began looking again. About 10 months later I met my wife through an online dating site. We talked for about a month before meeting and decided to date. I didn't feel all that attracted to her as she is a bbw, not my type at all; but I felt pretty unlucky because I was having a hard time getting solid dates and I gave it a shot.

Our second or third date she started falling for me. I remember we went to the falls and stood on the ledge. It was romantic in a roundabout way but I wasn't feeling it and she was. She grabbed my hand and clutched it tight, but I was strangely sad...perhaps that I was forced to compromise or start a journey that I didn't want to be on. That moment always sticks in my head.

So after a year I bought her a ring and proposed. She said yes. It wasn't emotional, we just both knew it was coming. I had such bad luck in the past with girls I fell hard for, that I figured marrying someone that seemed like my close friend was a safe bet.

We began living together and things got rough. We werent married yet. She quit her job to move from her city to mine so we could start our lives together. We ended up fighting a lot. We quickly learned how to get on each others nerves and I also noticed we weren't as happy as before. It was frustrating and we almost broke it off on a weekly basis. Nonetheless we pushed through and lived together in the house for 3 months.

Fast forward 3 months. She couldn't find work as a teacher in my city so she found a job in another town about 70 miles away. I still had my steady job, we planned on getting married the next summer (it was July). We knew living together was wrong as we are both Christian. I lived a month by myself and it was a breath of fresh air. Still, I decided to quit my job and move to a city 10x smaller to live with her. We decided to get married at the end of October. That left us about 2 months to plan. We sprung the news on our families which were surprised and that became an issue of its own, we wanted a small wedding and my parents and her parents disagreed on lots of things as far as participating in the wedding but acted amicably.

Wedding day came and went, I felt not sure about everything, wedding night was ok but the morning brought disappointment as I married someone I was not physically or sexually attracted to. Why'd I do it? Stability and friendship. Didnt want to lose her. Most of the time we got along fine. Other times... Not so much.

Year 1 : We moved into her loft apartment and stayed there for about a year. The job I was at was the worst job I've ever held, and many times id come home crying because it was so stressful and mean. They finally fired me 6 months later so they didnt have to keep me, despite me doing everything humanly possible to make my job performance excel. This crushed me as I was now jobless and in a pit of despair. I even tried committing suicide twice. Threatened it a few more times. I started seeing a therapist (for 6 months) AND a psychiatrist.

Year 2 : I eventually found another job in a town 40 miles away but it was only 2 days a week. Naturally we were financially stressed so the credit cards came out. Found full time work after about a year but was still traveling 40 miles to get there. In blizzards and South Dakota weather it's not an easy task. I faced death a few times from almost sliding off the road. As time went on I found a therapeutic dose for my depression but now I had a new problem : anxiety disorder.

Year 3 : Anxiety and panic increased. Still driving 40-50 miles to work and had the stress of a mangerial job (major promotion). I was fighting for our marriage financially but that meant since I was salaried I was away from home more, training associates and attending meetings. I'd be gone up to 6 days a week. I was now making about as much as my wife.

So naturally i was driving more. I would have panic attacks started by the headlights at night as I was driving home. Then it got worse as it happened at home. Saw my psychiatrist and got on some anxiety meds that helped. During my time working in the bigger city, I had the credit card which I ended up spending money on some material things and hobbies I wanted. Call it an escape. I thought I deserved them for working overtime so much and I paid the card down until I couldnt. My credit card debt went up to $2,000. Naturally I kept it from my wife which was wrong. We had some repair bills we put in the same credit card and it got up to $4,000. This was a huge streesful crack in our marriage.

Fast forward to now. I have a full time job in the town we live in, with great bosses and great pay. The managerial job and driving got too stressful. I am 300% better - no depression, minimal anxiety. So what's the problem, you say. Sounds like I'm bashing myself and I'm the bad guy. Not exactly.

Well, she has been with me all these years but had been harboring resentment all these years. During these times we fought a lot and threatened to leave each ofher. The credit card she has said she hates me for. She has taken the role of mother/control freak and has been for awhile. She has a very controlling nature, and NPD tendencies. She has a hard time processing logic and takes what she wants out of conversations and twists them around to get her way or start a power struggle. If its not one thing it's another. She's always wanting to "talk" and what that means is she really wants to fight to prove she's right about something said or done. It's very one sided. So naturally i clam up and don't want to talk so she accuses me of being distant and hurtful. For so long I lived like an injured animal, dealing with depression and anxiety, and she helped me, but now that I'm better and I've grown a pair, she hates it. I've gotten into the love of craft beer. She says I'm an alcoholic. I drink a beer once a night. She also says I'm a drug addict for taking Xanax for my anxiety. She claims I'm cheating on her because I have some friends that are girls. And she swears my mom hates her because they had an arguement where mom pointed out some things wrong with my wife's life. So wife blocks mom and dad on Facebook, and swears to never speak to them again. Says her parents hate me too and I can't spend the holidays with them. I have taped conversations of her verbal abuse to me, slamming me and calling my friends stupid and that I'm horrible to live with. She says she can't stand me and tells me to leave, and then when I'm about to, she gets emotional and starts crying. We spent a time apart for a month. It was relaxing and relieving for me the first 3 weeks, then the last week was depressing because I had no one around. I missed the company. I told her to come back. She did. We spent 36 hours under the same roof before we had our first explosive argument. Knew wright then and there this was not going to work. We have been off and on like this the last 4 months. We bought a house because she wants it. I don't want to stay in this town forever; she wants to raise kids. I don't trust our relationship with kids, she wants em. I finally got sick of her crap when she hacked into my Facebook and accused me of cheating because I was taking to a friend that was a girl. She said it was over. We talked about it. She cried herself to sleep, and it didnt bother me at all. I slept like a baby. Is that wrong? I feel strangely excited. But then I feel ill be doomed to be alone forever. We can't stand each other, we've seen 3 different counsellor and whenever one disagrees with her or makes her mad or calls her out, she insists we see "someone else". Every conversation is a trap. She also used scripture against me to tell me I'm not following Jesus. I don't feel there's a way of coming back from this. I've suggested therapy because she might be depressed, and she punched a damn hole in the wall. Says I'm crazy and a narcissist. What am Ito do here? Feel ill be sorry if I divorce her and sorry if I don't. Think I won't get to be with anyone again.

Also, I'm not attracted to her sexually. Lots of reasons. Help me sort this out, thanks for reading, I typed this on my phone.

Unfortunately the only one who can sort things out for you is you. The marriage is not a healthy one for either one of you either mentally or physically but only you can decide if you want to fight for it or not. I suggest you read your own post and then take some time to think things over. Good Luck to you!

Punching holes through walls, accusations of being a drug addict for prescription medications, and explosive arguments is, for one, certainly not an environment to begin a family. Were any of the counselors, ministers?

OK, you need to be realistic about things. Divorce is never easy and can quickly become very ugly. You shouldn't be the one to make things ugly but you do need to be ready in case that is what happens. First you need to get your hands on all your financial information, not to keep it from your wife she should know it all too but you need to make sure there is nothing in either of your finances that you don't know about. Get some professional advice, many law offices will give you a free consultation. Doesn't mean you have to hire them, or any attorney, if you can be civil enough with your wife to go through the divorce process without lawyers then that will be better for both of you. But knowledge is power, STOCK UP.

Update. As of the 1st I moved out and am on my own in a little 2 bedroom house. She called my first night away and was crying, and reminded me of all the good times we had together... The totally "us" moments that no one else could have. Because we are weird together, you know? I have got an attorney and having papers drawn up for divorce. I a hesitant to serve them because I know it will crush her.

She had some separation papers drawn up but I refuse to sign them, I'd rather just serve her and get it over with. But now I have my doubts. Is it ever easy?

It seems up to the end we would have 1 good day, and 1 bad one. Or good the first half, and by the evening we were just at each others throats only to apologize before bed. It's a crazy cycle. I don't want to hurt her but I feel this may be the best course of action.

A case in point of her behavior that is still going on was that we separated for both holidays thanksgiving and Xmas and during Xmas I offered to take her to lunch (the following day) as she was passing through the city I was in. She said that would be great. So she texts me about 10:30 am saying "I will be there at noon and have to pick up (one of her students she cares for because he has no family) by 1 pm so you need to meet me for lunch and DON'T BE LATE!" Of course I thought, whoa, here I was walking on eggshells already going on a limb to even have lunch with my hard to contend with wife, and now she's telling me it has to be her way. I told her to forget it and she went looking for me all around the city at places I'd be. She finally gave up and left town. She didnt call for a few days and when we both got back she said I ruined her Xmas by standing her up and being a jerk. I told her I was busy then, she never considered my schedule, I was helping My mom with things around the house. She says, "if uou truly loved me you would have dropped everything and put me first." I got wise and said "if you truly loved ME, you would have considered my schedule first". To that she replied I was beig a jerk and I don't even have a schedule.