[eener28]

Please bear with me...I need genuine help here. I feel like I am going insane. My spouse of 20 years has a double standard in his thoughts and opinions about affairs. While this may sound ridiculous (I cannot believe I am typing this) this has caused a wedge that is insurmountable between us.

For several years my husband had a 'buddy' at work. She happened to work in the same industry as I did for many years- Employment. Every day my husband would come home and complain to me about another issue and "what should I do?" I gave him accurate, rational advice and he would look at me and tell me I didn't know what I was talking about that he would 'go talk to "HR" tomorrow'. This went on for several years. I would listen to him non-stop, he would then make me feel like a jerk and then he would retreat to his desk for the evening always listening to the same sappy love song. During this time we were rarely intimate. I would get very angry at one point and began questioning him and his motives (now I am jerk - right!) He would sometimes give me the "hey, didn't you ever just need someone to talk to at work. 'HR' (never called her by her name) is just about the only person at work my age....blah lie blah lie.. She is such a nice person, I want you to meet her. (I never have of course)

I have exhausted my argument at this point about 'HR' and how he would use me HIS WIFE as an excuse to see her. I am at home one afternoon and I decide I am going to play that song that he listens to over and over. He walks in and tells me I have ruined the song for him. (Not so coincidentally, the lyrics are disturbingly like his 'friendship' with his 'buddy'.

Still, RARELY are we intimate. Flash forward another 7 months of this (he no longer listens to this music - as I have ruined it for him) and he comes home crying because of work. (he never even cried at the birth of our children, death of family, etc) His department was reorganized, blah, blah, and 'HR WONT EVEN TALK TO ME ANYMORE'. Well that's my trigger now!

Tell me more about 'HR'!!! My husband tells me she is the nicest person in the world, she NOT ATTRACTIVE AT ALL. 'She is a short little brunette'! UH HUH! I find her online and she is exactly what he likes in a woman.. She is a short, attractive blonde who happened to get married at the exact time my husband came home crying. It was like one of those horror movies, where the events of several years flash in your mind and everything makes sense.

Not so coincidentally, right after the 'not so attractive short brunette' got married, I was now VERY attractive to him, he was ready to be intimate - all the time.

The deed was done. Our marriage had crumbled (I didn't think we could get any lower - buy we did) and I hated him. When we fought - I was a MONSTER for even considering breaking up our family.

Several months later I see this guy (he is single), I don't know what it was, and still don't. He wasn't particularly attractive, but he was nice, quiet, ... (as I later put together he had qualities from a few people in my life that I liked). I now find myself thinking about this guy all the time! Except, when my husband and I would get along, I would forget about him. Then my husband and I would fight and I couldn't get him off my mind. This goes on for about 15 months. I make it known to this guy that I 'like' him (as much as you can without knowing someone) - online - I never speak to him and he never speaks to me - we play a game - I think he was just amusing himself. We were at a couple of social occasions but I never speak to him and would end up leaving without saying a word.

I end up telling a friend about this guy I have been 'obsessed' with in an email - My husband finds it.

That was it! I had committed the ultimate betrayal! I was the most horrible evil wife and I must be destroyed. Even though I never saw this man in public alone, never spoke ten words privately with him and the handful of occasions we were in the same place at the same time - I did not speak one word to him and left. BUT - my husband has it in my own writing. His family would burn me at the stake if they could!

I remind him this happened AFTER, 'HR' and ALL the details that surround that - and show him the picture of his 'buddy'. Now his story about his 'buddy in HR' trickles out differently every time I bring it up! The men in his office had a going joke about how she would flirt with him, how she would wear provocative clothing, and talks about her cleavage, and she always finds reasons to come and visit him.

So I ask, how is it this "buddy" who is soo nice (that you want me to meet her and put my concerns at ease) was also the talk of you and your buddies about flirtations and tight sweaters? Which is it? (I have still never met her). I am the one who is wrong - he has told his entire family I cheated on him in the worst possible way. And because I have no proof of anything - he says I am nuts and don't know what I am talking about!!!!!

I KNOW I AM NUTS! But am I nuts about this? HELP!

[eener28]

I should also write that we are now separated on the path to divorce, and he uses THIS as one of the main reasons that led us here. (Amongst several others reasons as well)

[healingme4me]

It does sound like a double standard, plus he did protest too much.

His sounds more an emotional affair.

What you did, sounds more like a day dream, driven by dissatisfaction in marriage.

Sorry he's trying to use this, to his advantage, but without concrete proof of wrongdoing, most judges turn a deaf ear. Leave it to the basics, tight lipped, let him look a fool if he chooses to villify, publicly. Even if it burns inside.

[Mygrandjourney]

Ditto, do whatever you can to comport yourself with grace and dignity and he may well crack. Have you heard the phrase, "Hoisted on one's own pittard?"

[eskielover]

Some guys are JUST JERKS.....don't play into his Soap Opera games...hold onto your class & let him make a fool out of himself.