[C101]

So. He told me yesterday he's leaving. Wants to wait until after Christmas to tell the kids. It's not completely out of the blue. But I thought we were waiting until the kids were older. I'm scared and worried for the kids.

[kaliope]

a lot of people stay in unhealthy marriages for the kids but this can actually be more detrimental. by not getting along you are modeling poor relationship skills for the children. they learn poor communication skills, poor conflict resolution skills and such. it is healthier to separate in a positive low conflict way and be good coparents. taking a coparenting class so that you can learn effective coparenting skills is helpful. then you can model a healthy relationship, positive communication and conflict resolution skills for your children. conflict in divorce is the number one most damaging thing on children, not the divorce itself. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

[eskielover]

I lived for 33 years in a bad marriage & it turned me into an angry person who's anger was spilling over into all other areas of my life.

Our daughter said we protected her from the bad stuff...don't know how with all the yelling & fighting....but she has never been able to have a marriage relationship of her own....she never learned the skills. They learn to deal with life much better in a divorced environment than a fighting one.

If I knew then what I know now I would have never been married or ended up at the point when I first wanted out.

[healingme4me]

I agree with kali, conflict is more damaging than the divorce, itself. It can model, for them, that they aren't obligated to stay in an unhealthy environment. If it's not a loving marriage, then it's not modeling a loving home.
It wasn't divorce, for me, as a child, it was the drama and dealing with being in the middle of parents needing to put their childs welfare ahead of their selfish needs.
Split time, two homes, eventually two extra extended families. There's something positive that can come from it, as a kid. Lesson, that if it's a poor fit, I wasn't their excuse. Gave me courage to leave an abusive marriage, during which time I learned it wasn't divorce itself.
My children are thriving now, tbh. They've developed perspective and communication skills, that would have been negated under the marital circumstances.

Know it's hard, there's light at the end of the tunnel.



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