[icantfiguremeout]

My husband was the best. He loved and cared and cherished me. He is 54 and I am 43. He has helped me grow from a child to an adult and when I acted like a child he treated me like a child. He is a lawyer and therefore extremely smart. He understood & tried to deal with my bpd, but I have not been able to accept my illness. I cook, clean, watch his shows, we have unbelievable sex all the time. I submit when I am supposed to and we are partners when we need to be. I am selfish while he is selfless. I am a taker while he is a giver. He has tried for years to communicate with me, while all I do is battle with words and thoughts. I constantly interrupt and don't listen. I fight him every step of the way. All he has ever asked of me is to be consistently happy. Recognize that part of my illness is mood swings, get out of them and be better. And I couldn't do it. I fight with him, physically, I try and punk him, get smart with him and he won't stand for that. He is my husband after all.
When I get out of hand, he restrains me and I fight back harder, which causes his anger to increase to the point where sometimes he gets violent. I push him so hard, he has done a few things that is not him. I have caused my husband to be a man that he and I don't recognize. And then I call the cops. Thank God the cops have never arrested him....and I know I have left him and want to file for divorce because I can't stand the abuse. Really? I have caused the abuse. And he is done with me. I don't blame him, I am done with me too. I can't control me. I can't help me. I don't know how to fix me. He has tried so hard to help me and be patient with me and as hard as I have tried to just be happy for him I am so sad and depressed and angry all the time and I don't know why. He would give me the world. I don't have to do anything, worry for anything, I don't have to work. And I have thrown it all away. Not on purpose mind you...I just can't control my emotions. I can go from happy and sweet and jolly and in a great mood to angry and smart alicky and negative ***** mode in less than a second. He always says that he could give me $1million and I would still complain. And he's right....I have to let him go so he can move on with his life and find a woman that deserves him...he's such an amazing man. But I know him. He loves me so much. He will keep living his life, but emotionally I have scarred him. He won't love again. Nor will I. I just want to go hold him in my arms and fix everything but I can't because I can't fix me. I am so fucXed up....

[jelly-bean]

Are you seeing a pdoc or a therapist of any kind? It sounds like you need meds or a med change. Maybe if you can see a doctor and get new meds and therapy you can talk your husband into giving you another chance.

[icantfiguremeout]

I am on meds, but no longer seeing a therapist. I just started a new job and can't get time from work. excuse, yes I know. I have left, literally left my husband 6 times I think, meaning packed my bags and moved out. Each time he has called and we have in some semblance worked things out and I have come home. I haven't heard from him in 8 days. We recently moved into a new home and we agreed this was a new start no cops, no disturbing the neighbors, etc. and I called the cops. I believe he is finally done, finally reached his breaking point. I mean wouldn't you be done? I am one excuse after another and he is the epitome of happiness and consistency in joy. Even when things go wrong for him, he is still happy and has a smile on his face. And me, I take a bad poop out on him. (not literally) but the tiniest thing that goes wrong and I'm in a mood...roller coaster. I want to die my whole body hurts from hurting him.

[shezbut]

I can relate a lot. I have BPD too.

A big help to me has been my discovery of DBT group and individual therapy. DBT Self Help is also a terrific site, with a lot of information! You may also want to check out the forum link below.

Borderline Personality Disorder - Forums at Psych Central

Don't kick yourself too hard. Hopefully, some positive changes and results will come soon to you.