[trinita]

Again, I'm here in total shock. After more than ten months, I finally got to have an encounter with my husband (or soon to be ex-)... I'm devastated: he went further telling me how happy he is now, happy as never before... before both of us being together. But, hell, we have three beautiful and successful adult children. It seems to him that the children are the only positive thing worth after more than thirty years of relationship, almost 28 married. This is terribly shocking and painful to me; it's like he doesn't remember anything positive between us: now he says he was always unhappy and asks himself how he could last so long with me. I feel empty, totally emasculated, like all the relationship was a fraud, and worse of all, that the children are the product of a fraud! He is happy, glowing, full of himself, telling me how it is possible that I'm stuck in this mood since a year already went by... I cannot believe his utterly lack of sensitivity! Moreover, he told me that I should do as if he died in an accident... forgetting than a divorce in this circumstances is worse than death like a widower friend told me: ''Against death, you cannot do anything, but a divorce is worse because your husband leaves you willingly, and like in your case, he didn't give you any chance: he decided for both of you. Moreover, in death at least you inherit everything, in a divorce, everything gets divided between you two and the lawyers.'' Wise words. I cannot relax, I'm totally shocked going back to our beginning and trying to picture him unhappy ... I cannot bear the utterly shock of trying to wrap my mind around him being unhappy for the whole time that we were together!!!! I think this is a full blown midlife crisis: he is alone, happy as a clam, glowing, enjoying the attention of his younger peers, and the new opportunities that in his mind I negated him. I'm in such state of disbelief that I'm not sure how I'm writing this post. Moreover, I found out that his lawyer convinced him in not getting a restraining order against me because he was fed up with my emails, the only means of communication (no phone calls, no Skype nor chat because he blocked me after leaving the house and told me that he could accuse me of harassment). You can imagine how terrified I was if he contacted the authorities, so I continued emailing him figuring that at least I was giving him the option of opening the email or not. The shock I'm under right now is so big that I cannot relax to go to bed, it's like I'm paralyzed, feeling cold and dry... I already scheduled an appointment with my therapist to begin processing this totally unbelievable news... Please, please, I welcome any kind of comment trying to offer a bit of insight about what's going on... This man, my soon to be ex- is not the man he was a year and a half / two years ago. I cannot believe yet this is happening to me. Worse, I cannot believe yet that I have had pleasant dreams with him! That I keep thinking about him, how he would like such and such, or this meal, or that new thing in the house... This is totally sick, right?

[waiting4]

Originally Posted by trinita

Again, I'm here in total shock. After more than ten months, I finally got to have an encounter with my husband (or soon to be ex-)... I'm devastated: he went further telling me how happy he is now, happy as never before... before both of us being together. But, hell, we have three beautiful and successful adult children. It seems to him that the children are the only positive thing worth after more than thirty years of relationship, almost 28 married. This is terribly shocking and painful to me; it's like he doesn't remember anything positive between us: now he says he was always unhappy and asks himself how he could last so long with me. I feel empty, totally emasculated, like all the relationship was a fraud, and worse of all, that the children are the product of a fraud! He is happy, glowing, full of himself, telling me how it is possible that I'm stuck in this mood since a year already went by... I cannot believe his utterly lack of sensitivity! Moreover, he told me that I should do as if he died in an accident... forgetting than a divorce in this circumstances is worse than death like a widower friend told me: ''Against death, you cannot do anything, but a divorce is worse because your husband leaves you willingly, and like in your case, he didn't give you any chance: he decided for both of you. Moreover, in death at least you inherit everything, in a divorce, everything gets divided between you two and the lawyers.'' Wise words. I cannot relax, I'm totally shocked going back to our beginning and trying to picture him unhappy ... I cannot bear the utterly shock of trying to wrap my mind around him being unhappy for the whole time that we were together!!!! I think this is a full blown midlife crisis: he is alone, happy as a clam, glowing, enjoying the attention of his younger peers, and the new opportunities that in his mind I negated him. I'm in such state of disbelief that I'm not sure how I'm writing this post. Moreover, I found out that his lawyer convinced him in not getting a restraining order against me because he was fed up with my emails, the only means of communication (no phone calls, no Skype nor chat because he blocked me after leaving the house and told me that he could accuse me of harassment). You can imagine how terrified I was if he contacted the authorities, so I continued emailing him figuring that at least I was giving him the option of opening the email or not. The shock I'm under right now is so big that I cannot relax to go to bed, it's like I'm paralyzed, feeling cold and dry... I already scheduled an appointment with my therapist to begin processing this totally unbelievable news... Please, please, I welcome any kind of comment trying to offer a bit of insight about what's going on... This man, my soon to be ex- is not the man he was a year and a half / two years ago. I cannot believe yet this is happening to me. Worse, I cannot believe yet that I have had pleasant dreams with him! That I keep thinking about him, how he would like such and such, or this meal, or that new thing in the house... This is totally sick, right?

Awwww darlin, I'm so sorry you're going thru this. I know it's awful and although I can empathize with some of what you're dealing with I can only imagine how awful you feel. There is very little I can say, that will help, but please know we are all here for you, to listen to you when you need...to offer shoulders for you to cry on and a nice soft place to land when you fall.

Time does heal, honest it does. I know you're hurting. Please try not to remember the past and don't blame yourself because he tells you he was never happy. I'm sure that's a lie, but it is designed to hurt you. He is trying to negate the years you had together, no doubt because if he doesn't give himself a 'reason', he'd have to admit was an asshole he really is....not just to himself, but to anyone who knows you two have broken up and were friends with either of you. It's a lie he has to tell himself.

You, can believe the truth...just don't let the truth harm you by causing you to look behind too often. Nothing changes, and you will get stuck emotionally in something that is nearly as addictive as being in love...being a victim in your mind by punishing yourself with every backwards glance.

I'm sending you good thoughts and strength.....it does get better. Several months ago I wouldn't have said that. I can say it now. I hope you can see it for yourself soon.

[Perna]

I hope you have gotten a lawyer to talk to too, not just waited for your husband to contact you. There could be a separation agreement, etc. and if you file for divorce first, you could get more leverage you may need. Does not sound like he is taking any care for you so you need to be alert and take good care of you!

[oldlife_disrupted]

Sounds like my wife / soon to be ex. These people either spent a long time living a lie or they have a sudden change in outcome of life, I don't know.

You aren't sick. You spent 28 years with this person and it's normal to feel this way. It will get better, you need time becoming your own self again.

Concentrate on you. Make friends, start new activities, take care of yourself. You once spent a lot of energy taking care of him, now turn that on to you. Hugs!

[trinita]

Well, he is the one going ahead with the divorce since last year: he retained a lawyer less than a month after leaving the house, and one week and a half later, he draw the papers filing for divorce... I lost it and was committed for my own safety: there, at the hospital, I found out that a lot of things he was telling me were a total lie, like that we needed to have only one lawyer so the divorce wasn't going to be expensive and so on... After leaving the psychiatric institution, I contacted some lawyers and finally settled with one after hearing and seeing the most astonished reactions from paralegals: "He blindsided you!'', ''He pulled the rug under you!'', ''What a jerk...'' So I'm in the middle of a divorce that I don't want and don't fully understand the consequences and the minutiae... And after this last meeting with him, on Wendsday, I feel eviscerated, like nothing holds any value anymore. It's like he is telling me that we were in totally different wavelengths and I DON'T BELIEVE THAT. If not, how could we be seen as the most solid, committed, successful couple by our friends and families? Of, course, his new ''friends'' paint him a very different picture saying things like ''It doesn't surprise me you are divorcing her, you both don't have anything in common...", and HE GIVES CREDIT TO THIS!!!! I never, ever imagined that it was possible to experience so much pain, and feel so diminished, so emasculated... He never, ever showed empathy, pain, compassion, consideration, whatever toward me. It is very significative to me that he never asked me to forgive him for the pain that he was causing me, BUT HE ASKED FORGIVENESS -AND CRIED- TO OUR OLDEST DAUGHTER. And in fact, all the last meeting was managed thru this daughter (the other one cut communication with him), and our son try to be supportive of me and keeps his distance from his father (of, course, he is paying for his college education). Everything is so, so sad, and pathetic at the same time. Nothing, nothing justified this outcome...

[healingme4me]

you'll be all the more stronger and wiser, after it's said and done. Probably another case of, I'll wait to drop the bomb, after kids are grown. Manipulative, sneaky, unable to address his real self. The fact it Drew you to psychiatry, speaks volumes about him, not you, hun. Breathe....he's a conniving twit.

Sent from my LG-MS910 using Tapatalk 2

[healingme4me]

Better thing to do, take a good hard look back on marriage. Anything, anything at all, that would clue you in? Avoidance behaviors? Feeling that there was any emotional distance? Was he ever too busy? Things of that nature...

Sent from my LG-MS910 using Tapatalk 2

[waiting4]

Originally Posted by trinita

Well, he is the one going ahead with the divorce since last year: he retained a lawyer less than a month after leaving the house, and one week and a half later, he draw the papers filing for divorce... I lost it and was committed for my own safety: there, at the hospital, I found out that a lot of things he was telling me were a total lie, like that we needed to have only one lawyer so the divorce wasn't going to be expensive and so on... After leaving the psychiatric institution, I contacted some lawyers and finally settled with one after hearing and seeing the most astonished reactions from paralegals: "He blindsided you!'', ''He pulled the rug under you!'', ''What a jerk...'' So I'm in the middle of a divorce that I don't want and don't fully understand the consequences and the minutiae... And after this last meeting with him, on Wendsday, I feel eviscerated, like nothing holds any value anymore. It's like he is telling me that we were in totally different wavelengths and I DON'T BELIEVE THAT. If not, how could we be seen as the most solid, committed, successful couple by our friends and families? Of, course, his new ''friends'' paint him a very different picture saying things like ''It doesn't surprise me you are divorcing her, you both don't have anything in common...", and HE GIVES CREDIT TO THIS!!!! I never, ever imagined that it was possible to experience so much pain, and feel so diminished, so emasculated... He never, ever showed empathy, pain, compassion, consideration, whatever toward me. It is very significative to me that he never asked me to forgive him for the pain that he was causing me, BUT HE ASKED FORGIVENESS -AND CRIED- TO OUR OLDEST DAUGHTER. And in fact, all the last meeting was managed thru this daughter (the other one cut communication with him), and our son try to be supportive of me and keeps his distance from his father (of, course, he is paying for his college education). Everything is so, so sad, and pathetic at the same time. Nothing, nothing justified this outcome...

He sounds like a narcissist, seriously...all the signs are there. Please don't beat yourself up....there is probably no way you'd have known what he was for the entire marriage...they are master manipulators. I know you're hurting, but once you get away from it for awhile, you'll start seeing things in a different light....things will occur to you, memories won't jar you so much and you see it more clearly, instead of through a glass, darkly.

One step at a time. Just get thru today, and then tomorrow, get thru that ... let your kids help you, they're grown and while they are hurt too, it's not the same kind of hurt...and I'm sure they understand that. So let them support you as much as they can, to help get you through this.

[trinita]

I need advice regarding how to ask for alimony. My lawyer told me to get a number before Wednesday 4th. This is awful, it's going to be an year that I was committed for my own safety (yes, I did what I wanted to do but I hadn't the strength to go the end...). I know I cannot ask for half his income, but every other thing is going to be divided in half!!!! Isn't it ironic? Moreover, everything is moving quickly: selling the house, moving out of town... but I'm the one most hurt by all of this. I cannot make my case that he is going to end way better off than me because of his personal properties back in our country of origin. I cannot get any leverage regarding this. So, am I supposed to end with way less than him???? Why the popular culture sell us the idea that the female part gets all after a divorce???? In my case, everything look and feel VERY LOPSIDED... Any advice would be welcome. Thanks!

[Raindropvampire]

This is an easy to fill out form that let's you see how much you should ask for. Hope it helps.

https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=...y3fxF1btz6-YfA

[unaluna]

Just fyi, "emasculated" isnt the right word. Only a man can be emasculated. You mean maybe disempowered? Im surprised the lawyer isnt helping you figure out how much. Im sorry this is happening to you.

[trinita]

Originally Posted by hankster

Just fyi, "emasculated" isnt the right word. Only a man can be emasculated. You mean maybe disempowered? Im surprised the lawyer isnt helping you figure out how much. Im sorry this is happening to you.

Well, of course I was using the word in a figurative sense; yes, you are right that disempowered is more accurate. Mhhh, the lawyer... keeps me on my toes: una day says una thing, the next, another... and I feel very upset each time she asks for my age, number of years married, and so on. It's like she is not fully invested in my case. After telling me to come with a number for the alimony, later I told her by email if it wasn't supposed to be the other way around???? She is the expert, for Christ' sake!!! At the beginning of the case she gave me the idea that I could get alimony for life because the lenght of the marriage (almost 28 years), very few work experience in the States (I spent 12 years as a housewife), my disability... but then, she kept going back and forth between the idea of alimony for life and how difficult was to prove that I needed my soon to be ex- to continue to support me, and the move is very risky to present before the judge. Her indecisiveness keep me on my toes: after each meeting with her, I come back home feeling physically ill and in the dumps, crying myself out...

[trinita]

Thank you, but my lawyer informed me that the criteria exposed by this form don't apply in my State... I'm very, very lost, and anxious. I cannot help thinking that I'm going to end in worse shape than I'm right now. Most of our common friends and acquaintances are mum about him, and only have encouragement words for me to move on... and it's very difficult to do so.

[mhorn78]

I am going thru a divorce as well and sorry u r.i was with my soon to b ex for 15 years married 9 was diagnosed bipolar last year but the last few years she made our marriage very rough.she also says shes happier than ever being separated but I'm realizing I have less anxiety without her and I can live without her and u will be fine just focus on yourself

[shezbut]

I looked up Alimony in Pennsylvania (since your location is Pittsburg) and saw this site. I hope that it is helpful to you! Alimony in Pennsylvania: Understanding and Calculating Spousal Support | divorcenet.com

Please do check it out. Gentle hugs to you ~ you deserve to be treated a lot better. Time to put on a little bit of armor and don't let your mental health be a significant factor in your case. ((((take care of YOURSELF))))

[Loveboat]

I know I'm bit late posting on this but I couldn't help but post to your situation. I have been through something very similar, although we were married for a much shorter times and had no kids, thank god! I was with him for almost 3 years before we married. About 6 months later into our marriage he wanted a divorce. At the time we were both long distance, which obviously didn't help. He was in Vancouver, BC and I was in the Midwest, US. He completely cut me off, wasn't open to counselling, ignored my emails, wouldn't call me. There were some problems in our relationship but we were so in love, it blinded us. I couldn't believe that a person that was supposed to be so madly in love with me could just cut me off like that with no valid explanation and it was not even up for discussion. I decided that I was worth better than this asshole who obviously lied to and manipulated me. I focused on furthering my education, starting working on new projects that I would have never done with him around. Got a social life. I have tons of friends now to go out with. With him, I talked to no one and no one ever called me. Believe me, at times, my heart stll yearns for him but another side of me believes it is the best thing that happened me. I have finally found myself. And you can too!!

[trinita]

Hello. I hadn't posted in a long time. I'm not better and don't know what to do. The divorce was granted last August 19th... I didn't react immediately after it but the day after was devastated, spend all day in bed crying my eyes out. I'm alone and feeling very, very lonely. The issues remaining are definitive alimony and I'm not a bit confident that the ruling is going to be favorable to me: the adjustment for the temporary alimony was valid beginning September, which means that during July and August I affronted all the moving and relocating costs related to it with only $500 a month. Does this seem fair to you? Of course, I'm already in debt, without health insurance, cannot afford therapy... I'm in total despair, asking for help and advice here and there to no avail. I wake up crying, I already used all my strength asking my ex- for a little help. I know, very stupid of me... but it's very, very difficult for me to move forward: I yet experience some brief moments when I think/ feel he is coming into the house or sleeping along me... I cannot yet understand why everything happened the way it happened. Since I was forced to move out the marital residence because the house sold in less than two months, I moved to another city because my oldest daughter asked me to do so... and here I am, feeling completely and utterly alone and almost destitute. How can I confront to have been part of a couple that was already in the six figures bracket to me be living now on $1500 a month, with very poor job prospects? I'm consumed by anxiety everyday: I cannot go out with out feeling an outcast, feeling totally left out? He is a department chair, for christs' sake, and I was working for and with him! My working there was part of my relationship and now, here I am, alone, without a job, living with a very tight budget, in a rental unit in a mostly run down part of the city, with credit card debt... Do I need to say more? I don't think so... I took me a lot of courage to go out and cross a bridge: I was -and yet am- very afraid because I want to disappear but at the same time I don't want to give my ex- satisfaction, getting rid of me so easily and letting him to have a relationship with everybody -specially the children whom I love very much- like nothing happened, like I was a speck in his life that he suddenly felt the urge to get rid of it...
Can anyone comment or give advice please?

[hannabee]

I'm so sorry this happened to you and I hope things turn around for you. Personally, I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of offing myself! What a creep! He was no man to do that to you after 28 years of marriage. I can only suppose there was another woman and that probably feels horrible, but try to remember there is something wrong with him, you couldn't have changed anything. $1500 a month doesn't sound like much in this day and age, can you find something to supplement your income? Bury yourself in something OTHER than thoughts of him and the past. Big hug for you, wish I could be of more help.

[trinita]

Originally Posted by hannabee

I'm so sorry this happened to you and I hope things turn around for you. Personally, I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of offing myself! What a creep! He was no man to do that to you after 28 years of marriage. I can only suppose there was another woman and that probably feels horrible, but try to remember there is something wrong with him, you couldn't have changed anything. $1500 a month doesn't sound like much in this day and age, can you find something to supplement your income? Bury yourself in something OTHER than thoughts of him and the past. Big hug for you, wish I could be of more help.

If at least there were another woman, I would have had much more leverage during the divorce: I would have gotten (sp?) EVERYTHING (house, car, retirement fund...). Since I couldn't prove that he was in another relationship (a lot of other people suggested the same but, really, he's not the type...) here I am, deep in the sense of having lost everything: my self esteem, my identity, my professional and social standings, my financial security, my family... and so on. I have the feeling of utterly loss because I have very few friends and only my three adult children here in the States, the rest of my family (parents, brother, aunts and uncles, cousins) are abroad so I think this makes the situation more poignant. And of course, having had my ex- telling me that he always suffered being together, only adds to the disconcert and sense of despair... My psychiatrist and my therapist couldn't believe it when I told them that he had told me he was always unhappy/ suffering in the relationship... they were flabbergasted! When I told one of my good my neighbors, she practically laughed and tried to reassure me telling ''Don't worry, it's all in his mind''. But all of these is poor consolation for the way he handled things during the proposals phase before going to the final hearing, and then during the hearing: I couldn't believe what I was hearing and seeing! He was waving copies of pictures before the judge and claiming that he didn't get what he asked from the house... when more than five month before during a conference settlement at my lawyer's office he made VERY CLEAR that he didn't want anything from the house contents. At some point I got to think that he wasn't ready to let it go and that's why during the proposals and counter proposals he kept asking for the contents or for compensation ($20.000!!!); in view of this, my lawyer asked me if all the house contents were to be sold, how much I thought I could get... I told her very clearly that I didn't think I could get more than $5.000! But what pains me most is his disdain, his utterly scorn for me as a person refusing time and again to meet me only to talk...
Well, I went further a lot in this answer... Anyway, I appreciate your comment and support.

[hannabee]

He really must be an unprincipled narcissist: A charlatan—is a fraudulent, exploitative, deceptive and unscrupulous individual!( That's the definition and it fits him to a tee!!!!) I don't know what to say to make you feel better and even time, a lot of it, probably won't relieve the feelings of anger and distress. I hope your kids are helping you with this and I really think you don't owe that SOB a thing in the way of promoting loyalty from his kids. I personally wouldn't hold back one bit when discussing his lack of character and his personality disorder.
I'd get myself a punching bag and I'd put his face on it!!!

[trinita]

Originally Posted by hannabee

He really must be an unprincipled narcissist: A charlatan—is a fraudulent, exploitative, deceptive and unscrupulous individual!( That's the definition and it fits him to a tee!!!!) I don't know what to say to make you feel better and even time, a lot of it, probably won't relieve the feelings of anger and distress. I hope your kids are helping you with this and I really think you don't owe that SOB a thing in the way of promoting loyalty from his kids. I personally wouldn't hold back one bit when discussing his lack of character and his personality disorder.
I'd get myself a punching bag and I'd put his face on it!!!

I'm curious: what make you think he's a narcissist? I can speculate but I would like to know your opinion or stance regarding how do you perceive him. Some people very close to me told me that he had the right to look elsewhere to feel happy, that I should accept the ''death'' of love and move on... But, believe me, after more than thirty years together and all the accomplishments be them professionally, familial, financial, etc, etc... I suddenly felt cast out, put ''beyond the pale'' without knowing the why and the what... He left me at ''I'm not moving forward without talking about the deep issues'' at our second couples' session counseling, and that was it... Never again he gave me an explanation about his deep issues. On the contrary, two times offered something on the way to explain and both times were worse than before: that the relationship had run its course, that he always suffered being with me, that he was better off, and so on... Of course, I cannot help but look at the past and question myself, my family, my sanity, all the supposedly happy moments... and ask myself if everything was ''fake''. One of the children told me she doesn't believe so although for me it's like telling them that they are the result of an emotional fraud. And I think this is horrible and a heavy burden to carry, don't you? Any way , thanks for the vehemence or your answer.

[hannabee]

I think ONLY a self-centered narcissist could act as you describe. There was no reason to be so unkind was there?! Most of us, if we wanted out after that many years (and I did at some points!) would find a way to take the blame for things, not direct it to the person we were leaving. Or, at least sit down with the MOTHER OF YOUR CHILDREN and try to explain why all of this was happening. He wasn't unhappy for all those years, more likely he started having some stupid mid-life crisis and decided to step out on you and try to recoup his youth. I seriously doubt there was no other woman. He is not in a relationship now?

[trinita]

Originally Posted by hannabee

I think ONLY a self-centered narcissist could act as you describe. There was no reason to be so unkind was there?! Most of us, if we wanted out after that many years (and I did at some points!) would find a way to take the blame for things, not direct it to the person we were leaving. Or, at least sit down with the MOTHER OF YOUR CHILDREN and try to explain why all of this was happening. He wasn't unhappy for all those years, more likely he started having some stupid mid-life crisis and decided to step out on you and try to recoup his youth. I seriously doubt there was no other woman. He is not in a relationship now?

So far as I know, no, he isn't in a relationship now but since the separation was conceded on October last year, I could know very few things about him: nobody let me know anything; at some point I thought that if the children knew something, neither would tell me in order of no upsetting me, and our previous common relations (i.e. work mates), don't tell me nothing: since he left the house, I saw him three times outside the court setting; in short, I don't know anything about him since he left the house, I mean, who he has relations now be them professional, personal, whatever, who he considers friends, with whom he goes out... I don't have any idea what he does or doesn't! Why do you think he should be in a relationship? He is not a man who needs a woman to do things for him: he's very independent and can live alone, I mean he is able to have a domestic and a professional life without anyone taking care of him... I know for a fact that he insist in keeping a relationship with the children but they try to keep it at a minimum (one of them already cut all communication with her father: I don't blame her... the other two try to keep him at arms length). And yes, you are right about the ''midlife crisis'': I was told this while I was at the hospital, trying to take hold of my sanity and curing my cuts... For him it was a fateful combination of a midlife crisis with empty nest syndrome: our last kid had left for college almost two years before when he asked me for a separation out of the blue...

[trinita]

I need help and advice... No one day goes without me waking up crying and talking in my mind to him, my ex-... Next November is the final hearing in the divorce proceedings and I don't think the judge is sympathetic to my case. Her last rulings didn't take into account that I was already in debt (paying rent, utilities, moving costs...). I was expecting that whatever increase in the amount of money she was going to order my husband to pay was going to be retroactive, meaning at least going two months back to cover my July and August personal expenses (I moved out of the house in July and the hearing was taking place in mid August), but no, she ruled that the increase was valid beginning September... So my ex went to give me in temporary support $500 to $1500. I'm trying to make my case around the issues that he lied about his personal properties and his income, he presented a disproportionate list of personal expenses after separation, so much so that his expenses almost surpass our combined expenses pre-separation! Moreover, he insists that I can go to work without taking into account that my experience is minimal (I worked only five years as a part time and he is the department chair where I worked; my working there was for me part of the relationship: I supported him in every way possible, I did things beyond my comfort zone for him, I replaced him in his classes when he wasn't available because of his post demands...) He earned ten times as much and now, here I am... living in a rental unit, in a mostly run down part of the city (the cheapest rent I could afford back in July), without health insurance, counting my money everyday, having the two family pets with me... How is it possible to move from being in a couple with an income already in the six figures to being everyday anxious about costs and expenses??? I cannot understand how the Judge is not having into account our disparate situations: he has personal property here and abroad (this last one generates income that we used to pay for costs associated with going to visit our families back there), a very good job, his social and professional standings intact... while I was forced to leave the house when it sold, have very poor job opportunities (very little experience, no academic skills because he took care of everything, the market is very tight), with a disability that affects my social and professional inclusion (before the separation, my disability almost didn't count because my the husband helped me in every way possible...). What can I do? I'm pretty sure that the judge isn't going to order a substantial increase in alimony leaving me with an alimony equivalent to the income that graduate students receive... I don't understand how is it possible that I'm asking for an alimony that is around 1/4 of his income and I'm pretty sure I'm not going to get it. This is driving my anxiety through the roof, I cannot sleep, I spend hours at home without going anywhere in order of not spending in gas... Moreover, I need therapy right away; I cannot move on, I;m always thinking how is it possible to be in this situation when I was so much supportive, always doing things for him that I was sure were of his liking, always expecting him to be back at a home well taken care of... I loved him so much, I cannot believe it's possible to stop loving someone the way he changed in less than an year... Since ''hindsight is 20/20'', I realize now that some of his behavior was driven by his ''deep issues'' that he NEVER told me about! I don't know what to do... One of the most persistent images that comes back to me time and again is of me in a wheelchair and him letting me go in an abyss, or of me wanting to hang myself in order to stop the pain. When is the pain going to disappear??? I try to do things for me like going out for a walk... but I'm pretty sure that some people already identify me as ''the woman that goes by crying''. I cry everyday... The pain of being alone and the feeling of being thrown out, of having lost my love, my family, my accomplishments after so many years of work and sacrifices... this pain is endless. Please, if anyone reading this post have an idea, an advice, whatever that can be useful, I'll be grateful...

[hannabee]

Hello again and I so sorry that things are not looking up for you. I googled the info below about Pennsylvania law and alimony:

The standard of living of the couple before the divorce is taken into consideration when there is not enough shared martial property to compensate the less financially secure spouse, alimony will be ordered to raise the standard of living of that spouse to the state it was prior to the divorce.

The grounds for divorce and martial misconduct may also be a factor in determining alimony liability and payments, depending on the severity. Alimony as a punitive measurement is increasingly rarer.

Types of alimony in Pennsylvania

Alimony pendete lite describes temporary alimony awarded during a divorce proceeding. This ensures that the spouse does not have to rely on public assistance will the divorce is ongoing. It is assumed that the payer of alimony pendete lite will have control of the marital home and that the recipient spouse cannot remain in that environment.

After the divorce settlement, alimony in Pennsylvania may be assigned on a temporary basis to cover the transition of the spouse from the martial home into self-sufficiency. This temporary alimony usually has a fixed termination date, and can have conditions that require the alimony to be used for job training or education. This does not lead to a long term alimony arrangement.

Long term alimony involves the constant, monthly payment to the spouse according to conditions set by the judge during the divorce agreement. This arrangement stands until the spouse remarries or dies. Wages can be garnished to facilitate payment and this can be done automatically as an enforcement action, if the spouse refused to pay alimony in a timely manner.


- See more at: Alimony In Pa

Do you have an attorney??? I think you need one ASAP. Maybe the part about education and training is helpful?? Did you get any money from the house? I don't know if too much has already transpired, but I would at least call around and get a free consultation, maybe something good will come of it. Feel free to pm me if you want.Life does just suck sometimes!