[Angryatmyself]

Hi all, this is my first posting to this site.

I am 44 years old, male, and married. We have a 12-year-old girl who is my wife's daughter from another marriage. For the last 5 years our marriage has been difficult more than healthy (I know all marriages have their ups and downs), largely because we live with my mother in law (MIL) at my wife's insistence. MIL is divorced from father in law (FIL). My wife's brother lives out of state (BIL # 1) while BIL # 2 lives locally. BIL # 1 is broke and recently discharged from bankruptcy d/t a messy divorce (2 boys involved). My wife bought him a home on the condition that he builds a basement suite & put s tenant in it. 5 years after the work is still being done. In the meantime my wife has been looking after FIL in his home and channeling his $ to BIL # 1 (with FIL's consent). I had until recently been expected to help with this and even when my wife did not ask me for it, it still seemed to be implied. MIL can also be a mean and abusive bully, to the point that I had told my wife several times I cannot stand MIL. After 5 years of this torture I decided reluctantly to leave as all my attempts to address the issue with my wife seemed to be ignored. My wife is a hoarder ( she hoards toys & dolls that belonged to my stepdaughter), and we moved all these items out of my condo (I kept it after we were married due to work/space reasons) and to FIL's house. After that we removed what little I had in the MIL'S house and took it back to the condo. MIL was home & immediately alerted BIL #2, whom came from his work and they subsequently alerted my wife at her work. My wife called me several times, even calling my mother (my dad was with me for moral support) and after this, my mother called us, telling us to call my wife back. So I did. And got a very sad wife (obviously), telling me how much she loved me and pleading with me to come over. So I did. And had a very long chat, more than 2 hours, with her. She had left some very hateful voicemails (she was understandably angry) and pleaded with me to erase them. Which I did, without listening to them, as she had asked. During our very long chat I spelled out for her what had led me to that step, and she said 'I'll do anything, please don't leave us, you're my husband and I love you so much'. I said we needed marriage counseling and asked her to come with me. She said 'what good will that do, it won't change the situation', and I said 'it CAN help us find ways to deal with the situation'. She did not appear sold on it. Just the same, I stayed with my wife that night, and took my stepdaughter to school. MIL did not say a word to me the following morning and barely acknowledged my presence (she had not been expecting me to return, I am sure). Anyway, after taking my stepdaughter to school (who did not seem ruffled outwardly), I spent the day with my dad before picking her up (my wife was working). I then went and picked up my wife and the conversation was polite but minimal. There was obviously a lot of tension (not that I expected anything else). Now I am all but persona non grata, with MIL barely acknowledging me (not really surprising), and my wife is barely talking to me (not too surprising either). My stepdaughter just went into her room & shut her door while I was setting up the computer again (I brought it back because she needed it for school).

I felt horrible all day yesterday, almost to the point of throwing up and crying myself. Now I feel tremendous guilt. I am not at all surprised by their reaction to yesterday's events but have a question; should I have stayed away or agreed to my wife's pleas?

[CANDC]

Hi Angryatmyself. Welcome to Psych Central. Sorry you face multiple challenges. It is a complicated situation. Have you considered talking to a therapist about that?

Sleep is one of the most important ways of helping me cope. I used to come home and take a nap I was so stressed. Sleeping can make a big difference.

Glad you are part of our community. There are a lot of caring people here. Besides being an active participant in helping oneself at Psych Cental, many people also help support each other by replying to other people's posts. Many people who are actively involved in Psych Central find it helps take them out of their own problems to develop empathy for others. And their problems are more manageable the more they help others.

Many people here at PC find they can share these feelings and what they are going through with the confidence that people go through similar things and can empathize. So many forums are offered as well as Chatrooms (after you have 5 posts or comments on others posts). Depression chat meets on Thursday night at 9pm EST and Anxiety Friday at 8PM.

You can also be an active member in other ways like supporting others in their questions, reading articles and posts http://forums.psychcentral.com that are applicable to your area of concern.

Please feel free to private message me or any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.

[iwonderaboutstuff]

I'm not following where the guilt comes from.

If I'm reading this right, you left your wife, moving stuff out and she called you up pleading with you to come over and you're wondering if you were right to go or should have refused. I say right to go. It sounds like it gave you an opportunity to express what got you to that point and propose a solution, something that had not otherwise happened.

Living separately and marriage counseling sound reasonable to me.