[rockfan6122]

MY BREAK UP - Short Version

10 years with my fiance is now over. I am 49yr male and she is 49yr female. She is emotionally detached from me.
I tried everything it didn't work. My needs are not being met and she
will not open up to me. We were so amazing at the beginning its hard to believe this is happening.
She panics and shut the cell phone off in front of me like she is hiding something from me.
When I said what was that all about no answer she got up and left the room. We don't make love anymore.
There is no intimacy anymore. She is so distant. She is like a different person
now. I am so confused. It hurts so bad. I only wanted to love her and her to love me. I am there for her but it is sadly not reciprocated.
I reach for her hand...she does not ever reach for mine. I tried and tried
and tried. She won't talk to me. I googled the signs of a cheating partner and every
single one was right on the money. I have learned alot about emotional detachment and I can say
It is nothing I care to deal with now or ever again. I can't prove it but I can feel it in my heart she is cheating. It doesn't matter anyway
as she is gone from me. It is ripping my heart out. It is a very cruel thing to do to someone. She picks little stupid fights with me for no reason.
I was being treated like a friend - not a fiance or even a boyfriend. Just good enough to give her son a ride
to work or take her out to eat thats about it. I slept in her bed and she does not wake me up
in the morning, no sex, no hoarsing around/tickling/ goofing off- nothing not a f-ing thing, she jumps out of bed super early and sits on the couch
having coffee. The closeness is completely gone. How and why is a mystery I will never know. People change is all that I know.
I asked her to talk and she refused. So then I gave her space - 3 weeks. We did not talk or text. She
sent me 2 nasty text messages this last Sunday and one read - so your not going to talk me ever again huh? well
have a nice life. She didn't text me to contact me either during this time, but she says its all my fault. So instead of name calling or getting in a text fight.
I get back from my newphews birthday party and I drive over to her house.
She comes outside to the car and says what are you doing here?
I said I am here to talk to you calmly and work things out as I received two nasty text messages from you.
She said there is nothing to talk about. I say what? there is alot to talk about we both have made
some mistakes here..and she says no, there is nothing more to say. I say are you sure? she says yes. I say OK I got my answer then.
I grab my keys and walk around
the front of the car and say then don't text me anymore. She says I won't I deleted you from my phone.
I leave. Its over. Thats the short version in a nutshell. Un-Freakin'-believable. Throw away 10 years together like that.
Why could she not just be an adult and say i'm not happy lets go our seperate ways? That would be an respectable istead of playing
these f-ing games for the last two months. Even her mother was short with me the last couple times I was over there...wtf??? I never did nothing to her
and was always polite and respectful to her mother. They all can **** off. She can throw the ring I got her in the garbage. I do not want it back
nor would I ever lower my self to ask for it back. Thats not my style.

I have decided I am 1000% done with this. I have moved on.
THANK GOD - I DID NOT MARRY HER OR HAVE ANY KIDS WITH HER OMG THANK YOU SOOO MUCH!!!!!

MY RECOVERY - MY ACTION PLAN
I am getting better fast. Today is day 5. Here is what I have been doin to help my break up pain.
1) I am going for walks everyday now 4-6 miles. I am eating healthy now, no more junk. I am going to drop some weight.
2) I am getting more sleep. First two nights I was up all night couldn't help it. its better now.
3) I am watching this man on Youtube...Mehran Dadbeh ...he is amazing and I have learned alot from him. Check out his videos.
4) I cry. I thought I was done but this morning it hit me again for a short one which i controlled quickly. So I let myself cry in the car in private. GET IT OUT!
5) In the car I go down the highway and I scream as loud as I can! I gotta GET IT OUT!. It has helped me feel better...
6) I started a journal and I am writing down all my feelings good & bad - That way I can see my progress looking back.
7) I'M NOT HAVING CONTACT WITH HER EVER AGAIN. SHE BROKE MY HEART AND NOW I HAVE TO PROTECT IT. I took the chip out of my phone and
threw the cell phone in a field as hard and as far as I could. I have a new number that only my son and family have. I feel calm and safe now.
I blocked my email as well. If a letter comes in the mail, its getting ripped up and thrown away too late for that. Its over.
8) I asked the lord to come into my heart as I was a basket case the first two days. He comforted me with the holy spirit (goose bumps)
that everyhing will be ok. I pray to him daily now please let me forgive and not become bitter and hateful. Its a struggle I have to win inside me right now.
9) I have one sister and thank god for her. She is wonderful and has offered so much great advice. That has helped me big time.
10) I am reading about other peoples break ups. To try and learn more...and understand more.
11)I wrote down the entire everything that has happened to me and I called it THE FINAL GOOD BYE. I burned these pages today. The burning
represents letting go of the feelings and hate I have. So many things left unsaid, untied & undone but it doesn't matter now - I am letting it all go
Its like the ocean washing away all the footprints on a sandy beach....Its all getting washed away. The memories/dreams/hopes all of it is
has died now....
12) When I am alone - I say out loud - It's over and I am letting you go! . Saying out loud helps put it in my subconscience
you might think im weird, but it works for me so I am doing it. I also say other phrases to log them into my subconscience this is a powerful thing to do!
13) I did not ask for this to happen. I can walk away ok now because 1) I did everything I could 2) I gave her a final chance. I know now that if she
loved me she would have talked. Its been over for a very long time.... so be it. If there is a chance-then I am in until the end-that is just me. I always take my relationships to the very end because I put my heart
soul and everything I got into my relationships. The joy I had far outweighs this pain. This pain is hurting me but I know what I gotta do.
14) I have decided I am moving on. I chose her and she chose me to be in a relationship but she is changed now so I do not choose her anymore. I
don't care what she does and I am not being a cry baby. I am building a new life now without her now.
15) People change, the world changes, so I gotta change, I shaved my goatee off, shaved my head bald, I park in different places when I go to the store
I am smiling and saying hello to people I run into again. I am doing things I enjoy again. Spending time with my son neice and nephews among others.
16) I am CHOOSING to carry on - its a little weird and I have a ways to go -- but its getting better and better and I am gonna make it. I am determined.
17) If you are going through a bad break up TAKE ACTION! do not sit around and be miserable waiting for someone who was cheating on you and is out
having fun living their life. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, screw this - you can do better, and if you think this way you will do better.
18) Work on thinking happy thoughts remember thoughts effect feelings. Don't think of your ex...think about your future. future wife, job,house, family
whatever you want.Go work out - great constructive way to burn off steam and feel better. Just replace those negative thoughts with good ones. It does work if you try.
and boy let me tell ya, you gotta try super hard.
19) The old thoughts are diminishing big time now for me and my action has me feeling alot better. I am proud of my self at this point. Soon I will be completely healed.
20) I made a list of problems in the relationship to read and re read when I feeling down. This helps me feel better.
21) Last thing I have been thinking alot about is what to say if she shows up in person and wants to talk? Hopefully I won't have to ever go through it,but I want
to be prepared just in case. I'm thinking keep it short and simple by saying - I am not interested...good bye. Then walk away. How does that sound?

Some thoughts I asked myself.....
* WHY DO I WANT SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T WANT ME ANYMORE?
* BE STRONG. GETTING KNOCKED DOWN DOESN'T DEFINE ME, ITS HOW I GET BACK UP THAT DOES.
* LOVE IS GIVING - YOU CAN'T FORCE SOMEONE TO LOVE YOU.
* YOU ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP TO BE HAPPY. WHEN YOU ARE NOT HAPPY AND YOUR NEEDS ARE NOT MET TIME TO LEAVE.
*THIS IS ONLY A CHAPTER IN YOUR LIFE. THERE WILL BE MANY MORE. DON'T MAKE THIS YOUR WHOLE WORLD OR BIGGER DEAL THAN IT REALLY IS.

"WHETHER YOU THINK YOU CAN OR THINK YOU CAN'T - EITHER WAY YOU ARE RIGHT.
--Henry Ford

If you have additional tips for dealing with a break up please comment. I would love to learn more
of anything that can help me...thanks

[Skeezyks]

Hello rockfan6122: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

[Whisper888]

I'm so sorry about your breakup. I don't think anyone deserves to be left that way. Especially after 10 years. You are right, that is no way to treat anybody.
I see u have a plan to move forward with your life, and that's great. But sometimes we just have to grieve a little bit. Yes...it hurts. But better to get it over with then ignore it and have it plaque us later in in life. It's hard when we don't get any explanation or reason when another person treats us badly. I think it makes you over think every little detail...trying to find the answers.
The answers may be there...if u think about the last year of your relationship. Were there things she mentioned more then once? I find that most problems in a relationship have been fought over numerous times...because we don't resolve them properly the first 20 times!
Anyways. I wanted you to know that I feel for you. I would be angry if I was in your situation as well. I hope you find peace as you move forward. Take care

Hey, there wasn't too many posts here, but I just wanted to say that you seem to know just how to heal yourself! That's a lot to fight through. I'd feel very, very proud of myself. It's inspiring. I hope you're doing better now.

[eskielover]

Just curious.....do you think that 10 years as a fiance might have had anything to do with the breakup? Personally I wouldn't have waited around 10 years as someone's fiance without marriage happening. Maybe she got tired of waiting? Just a thought since I have absolutely no real insight into her side of the situation.