[Cheerchix79]

I think it's over. I've been married for 10 years, have 2 small kids and I'm considering divorce. What brought me to this conclusion? Well, our 10 years has some happy memories, but as I look back most of it seems like it was a series of fighting and making up and fighting and making up. We recently went to counseling for about 9 months, and it seemed to have a positive effect on our relationship and helped see the love beneath the rubble but not long after we were back at square one. Frankly I'm tired and emotionally worn out. Bit of relationship background, my husband was found to be unfaithful to me over the course my 2 pregnancies. This was devastating and i don't think we ever fully recovered. He went to sex addiction counseling and I went to support therapy. 4.5 years post trauma, we've moved cities, started a new life, have good jobs, the kids are happy and settled. My trust and feelings for him never fully came back. We tried, damn it we tried but strife and bitterness always seemed to rear its ugly head. Most recently we have been short with one another. He works 14 hours days 6-7 days/week during the summer and I am working full time as well. We got In a fight about something small 2 weeks ago and it has snowballed out of control. He has decided that he is not happy to come home to me anymore, so he has been out late nights with coworkers till 3-4am and didn't come home until 8-9am a couple times. I found out he went out for dinner with a female ex coworker behind my back. I'm not happy with any of this and frankly after all these years of work we are still at this place. I don't think I have it in me to keep going. We are at a stand off. I'm saying his behavior is unacceptable and he is saying he is sick of never being forgiven and judged from me. I'm at a loss, I just don't think I have it in me anymore.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Cheerchix79: Sometimes... when a thing is over... it's just over. It's sad... for the kids especially. But what's going on now is sad too. Is the one kind of sadness worse than the other? Who's to know? I'm sorry your relationship has come to this. I wish you all happiness in your futures.

[eskielover]

Hmmmm if he were really wanting to rebuild your trust in him & truly valued the marriage he wouldn't be using your unforgiveness as an excuse to go out & do exactly what he did before that caused your lack of trust in the first place. He would be using this time to build, not tear down what takes a very long time to rebuild in the first place.

That's just him rationalizing his bad behavior again.

Sorry, I wouldn't buy it for a moment.

You haven't been treated well. He is tired of you not forgiving him? Yet he's out all night, etc. That sounds illogical that he'd expect that....I would not hesitate in moving on, if I were in your situation.

Children are resilient and adapt to divorce if you keep them out of the process, let them be kids. I wish you the best in whatever you decide.

[nathanjo]

Rainyday 107 makes a good point in terms of his behavior being illogical. He seems as though he's all for working for your forgiveness yet he continues to be out till all hours of the morning. Given that you have decided to see counsellors both together and separately in the past, it's clear that there is some form of amicable-ness to your relationship still (especially given the kids), and so if you do decide to split permanently (and I personally would given the situation), there are services available for you. Personally, I have used a mediator and online service for my divorce. It sounds strange but if you're able to communicate well and be civil, it can save a lot of heartbreak and money. The service I used was called DivorceGuru. PM me if you have any questions, but I sincerely wish you the best through this difficult time!

[Rose76]

I'm sorry for your situation, Cheerchix. With him working 14 hours a day, your husband really isn't even available to build a relationship with. I don't think you're ever going to be able to trust this man. He's looking for novelty in women, and I doubt men like that ever change.

Right now, I think a main thing you need to take a hard look at is how you would manage financially, if you called it quits. If you can see yourself as being more or less okay on your own, then I don't think you have much to lose by walking away from this marriage. Between his job and his cheating, I doubt he is putting all that much into fatherhood, either.

It sounds to me like divorce will happen sooner or later. In that light, I would think you might want to get it over with before you get any older. You may still have the potential to find someone to love you. There's no guarantee of that, but being alone might not be any worse than what you are living now.

You sound like someone who will tolerate a lot. That's something you might want to take a hard look at, perhaps with the help of some therapy. You seem to have set the bar kind of low in what you consider a total deal-breaker. If you leave this marriage, I hope it would be with the resolve that you will never again settle for so little.

I've never felt that infidelity is unforgivable. I've seen couples get passed it and go on to build stronger marriages. Your husband doesn't sound like a man who cares all that much. The unfaithfulness seems to come all too easily to him. I believe he could only achieve reconciliation with someone like yourself who meets him way more than half-way, and, then, he figures he can keep replaying that.

It's sad, especially with children who are young, but it sure sounds like you've given him enough second chances. You, perhaps, manage to magnify the good memories and think they outweigh the bad more than they do. Maybe you even tend to blame yourself more than you should. He's going to take the position that you drove him to his latest fling. Don't be too quick to buy that.

Get some sound legal advice before you even tell him you are considering divorce. Learn, first, how best to protect your interests and those of your children.