[WatersWall]

I am sick and tired of my non sexual relationship, I knew we were not sexually compatible and should have left before we had a kid. It had improved a bit at times but now it is miserable. Now I am stuck with a cold and vanilla woman who never talks or joke about sex. The only time she initiates and opens up is when she is drunk and she doesn't drink that often ..... the last time we had sex was at valentines day

I am 42 and really disappointed about my situation ......

[Whisper888]

Hmmm....ok. Im going to try and give you a few ideas from a womans point of view. Mostly because I see this question "pop up" (small joke) over and over again on these marriage sites. Im 37, been with my husband for 19 years and have 2 kids. So you understand where my perspective comes from.
1. The majority of women don't put as much importance on sex as men do. Most men associate sex with love and caring. Women show they care for you in other ways, so there becomes a misunderstanding. She picked up your dry cleaning, cooked your favorite dinner and entertained the kids so you could watch the football game (this was the effort she put in to show you that she cares). After all that she was tired and didn't want to have sex. So you interpreted it as her not caring for you. You had a need and she failed to see it and comply. Now you are mad. SHe is mad because she did show she cares and you didn't acknowledge it. Do you see the misunderstanding???
2. Is the lack of sex the only problem in your marriage. If not...if their is turmoil or unresolved issues in the marriage, you will need to tackle these before trying to improve your sexual relationship. Women don't want to have relations with people they are angry with.
3. Realistically look at the situation. Do you have young kids? Toddlers are a kill zone for sex. After being mauled all day. After hugs, kisses, boogers, peanut butter on your pants, piggy back rides and packing children...the last thing a woman wants at the end of the day is to be touched. She wants 30 minutes to herself. Sorry. Which brings me to my next sex killer...privacy. Do you actually have 30 minutes in your day alone with her??? And I don't mean at 11 o clock at night when the kids finally fall asleep. 3rd issue...health issues. You didn't outline any specifics about your situation, so any depression, anxiety, ect.... That's a different problem all together and you might want to research any health issues so you can see what your spouse is dealing with and how it affects sexual relationships.
4. Warning....You will have to put away your male ego away for this one. Is she enjoying sex. Does she get satisfied. Because frankly...if I have to choose between 5 minutes with my husband where I will receive no satisfaction...or doing the dishes. Im a busy woman... at least my kitchen will be clean. I'm making light of the situation...but it is serious. think about your sexual relationship...are you giving as much pleasure as your getting?? If you suspect your not...you may want to do some research. Google has many great ideas. And step by step techniques for success.
5. Try something new...I recommend sexting. Start slow, some flirting and sexual innuendo over a lunch hour. Then if she seems interested, build up from there. If she is reserved, it might give her the chance to loosen up a bit. Maybe reveal what she IS into. But ultimately, the goal is to get her mind on it. Thinking about it, wanting it. (if you don't know how to sext, that's right...google)
6. The vanilla comment...I'll avoid this one.
7. This is going to be a shocker for you....if you haven't had sex since Valentines....YOU ARE NOT the only one sexually unsatisfied in your marriage. SHE IS TOO.

So..I didn't answer your question. Should you stay or should you go? Obviously only you can answer that. Hopefully my ideas or suggestions gave you something to think about.
I know I lightened up the topic a bit in this post, but seriously. 10 years ago I would have thought...Your going to throw away a marriage over sex??? Now, I do understand. It can turn into a major issue in the marriage, because it is obviously important to you. If you are happy in the other areas of your marriage, I hope you can find a middle ground. Wishing you the best.

[WatersWall]

Thank you very much to take the time to answer carefully to my concerns .... much appreciated

I will post my comments in blue

1. The majority of women don't put as much importance on sex as men do. Most men associate sex with love and caring. Women show they care for you in other ways, so there becomes a misunderstanding. She picked up your dry cleaning, cooked your favorite dinner and entertained the kids so you could watch the football game (this was the effort she put in to show you that she cares). After all that she was tired and didn't want to have sex. So you interpreted it as her not caring for you. You had a need and she failed to see it and comply. Now you are mad. SHe is mad because she did show she cares and you didn't acknowledge it. Do you see the misunderstanding??? She rarely do any small favors to help me or make me happy, I am mostly the one always taking care of her
2. Is the lack of sex the only problem in your marriage. If not...if their is turmoil or unresolved issues in the marriage, you will need to tackle these before trying to improve your sexual relationship. Women don't want to have relations with people they are angry with. She is angry with me as I am getting on her nerves for multiple reasons, like housekeeping and others. I can't satnd her pile of dirty clothes in the room but she doesn't care.
3. Realistically look at the situation. Do you have young kids? Toddlers are a kill zone for sex. After being mauled all day. After hugs, kisses, boogers, peanut butter on your pants, piggy back rides and packing children...the last thing a woman wants at the end of the day is to be touched. She wants 30 minutes to herself. Sorry. Which brings me to my next sex killer...privacy. Do you actually have 30 minutes in your day alone with her??? We have plenty of time by ourself but we never engage in any conversations besides TV Shows or her workAnd I don't mean at 11 o clock at night when the kids finally fall asleep. 3rd issue...health issues. You didn't outline any specifics about your situation, so any depression, anxiety, ect.... That's a different problem all together and you might want to research any health issues so you can see what your spouse is dealing with and how it affects sexual relationships. I was on depression meds for a while and it got better but now I feel it is coming to haunt me againYes we have a daughter and health issues maybe but it is never her fault, I'm mentioned counseling a few times but she never acted on it
4. Warning....You will have to put away your male ego away for this one. Is she enjoying sex. Does she get satisfied. Because frankly...if I have to choose between 5 minutes with my husband where I will receive no satisfaction...or doing the dishes. Im a busy woman... at least my kitchen will be clean. Housekeeping is the last thing on her mind usually I'm making light of the situation...but it is serious. think about your sexual relationship...are you giving as much pleasure as your getting?? If you suspect your not...you may want to do some research. Google has many great ideas. And step by step techniques for success.
5. Try something new...I recommend sexting. Start slow, some flirting and sexual innuendo over a lunch hour. Then if she seems interested, build up from there. If she is reserved, it might give her the chance to loosen up a bit. Maybe reveal what she IS into. But ultimately, the goal is to get her mind on it. Thinking about it, wanting it. (if you don't know how to sext, that's right...google) I tried all of that from the beginning and she never played the game much, she had 3 years to loosen up, of all the woman I had in my life she is probably the most boring in the bedroom
6. The vanilla comment...I'll avoid this one.
7. This is going to be a shocker for you....if you haven't had sex since Valentines....YOU ARE NOT the only one sexually unsatisfied in your marriage. SHE IS TOO. I don't have the feeling she ever really been into sex ... not with me anyways

So..I didn't answer your question. Should you stay or should you go? Obviously only you can answer that. Hopefully my ideas or suggestions gave you something to think about.
I know I lightened up the topic a bit in this post, but seriously. 10 years ago I would have thought...Your going to throw away a marriage over sex??? Now, I do understand. It can turn into a major issue in the marriage, because it is obviously important to you. If you are happy in the other areas of your marriage, I hope you can find a middle ground. Wishing you the best.[/QUOTE]

[Whisper888]

Hmmm. You know...it sounds to me like your sexual relationship is just one of many concerns. Your not sexual compatible...but maybe your personalities are not compatible either?
It's a hard one. It feels like a giant gap between you and your spouse. I've been there...I am there right now. I can give you a small piece of advice based solely on my experience. If you want to stay in your marriage...try fixing it now. The gap only gets bigger and harder to cross.
For me..my husband and I were never sexually compatible...but now our values are not even compatible. Which caused our friendship to dwindle....now we are on the edge of divorce. Did the sexual relationship play a role? Hmmm. ..idk. I think ultimately we just grew into different people. Maybe that's what is happening?
Try to look past the little crap and see what the true problem is. For example...pile of clothes in the bedroom. Simple fix is a laundry hamper from Walmart for 15$.
But why does it bother you so much????let them sit there? Ignore them. ...it's probably representative of a larger problem. Quit nit picking the small potatoes and find the big one!
Soooo..I thought about ur original question some more. Should I stay or go? I stayed in an sexual unsatisfying marriage for 19 years. Never got any better for me no matter what I tried. Gave up 10 years ago and it's just another thing in my weekly chore list. But for me...it wasn't enough to make me reconsider my marriage. Did I miss great sex...gawd yes. But not enough to uproot my kids. 6 months ago when other issues became too much for me to overlook...I stopped having a sexual relationship with my husband. For him...not having it is such an important factor for him in life. I think it's enough to make him want to leave. So...I still think it's how much value you place on that portion of your relationship. Wish you the best.

[healingme4me]

If there's more than just lack of sex occurring, then the idea of leaving makes sense.

Does she give any explanation about why her interest has diminished? That's almost 8 months. Is she ill?

[WatersWall]

Thanks for taking the time to reply to my post and sorry about your situation. I know we are probably not sexually compatible that much but somewhere I want to build a stable family for my daughter so I don't have to courage to leave them ... yes there are things I can stop nit picking about and also changing my general attitude (negativity) might help us have a more loving relationship and maybe her more attracted to me .....

[WatersWall]

It is probably hormonal plus my attitude at times turn her off she says ... but when you are not touched and desired, it becomes frustrating ... she is never been sexually aggressive anyways, I am doing my best to keep a positive attitude anyways