[serenityy]

I knew this girl for 5 years and I dated her for two. It's been 3-4 months since she broke up with me and Ive practically vented to my notepad or anyone I could about everything up to this point, but my mistakes and the kind of person I was and the fact that I lost a opportunity of a lifetime just messes with my brain. It was a long distance relationship. And the first year of dating this girl was amazing and she honestly was the greatest friend I ever had and I still wish her the absolute best. But the second year of dating her we started fighting over stupid stuff that wasn't even worth getting mad over one another about. And I became very selfish. And distanced myself from her. And didn't giver her as much attention as I should of. I texted her all the time, but I would never watch movies or play games with her. I never even went to go see her and it's very obvious why she lost interest in me. I thought I was invincible. I neglected her and I had a massive porn addiction and literally masturbated almost everyday I was a piece of crap. And I never told her I had this porn addiction because I felt like she would've instantly left me. Ive always had a problem with feeling alone even when someone is near me my whole life. Ive always and still do feel alone. When I was with her the last year I felt alone. Anyways. Basically I was a asshole. This girl was so perfect that I literally had to create reasons for her to not be perfect and argue about it. I always disagreed with her. And we always fought about the silliest stuff. And I don't drink I don't smoke nor have I ever drank or smoked and porn and masterbation was my go too stress reliever.. It was the worst addiction and I hated it. The only thing keeping me from watching porn now is the break up with her and I was trying to quit towards the end of things with her, but kept relapsing. My brain. I felt crazy. How do I even love this girl if I'm sitting here jerking off to other girls.. How do I even love this girl if I am neglecting her when I feel alone and don't feel like talking to her. How do I even love this girl if I bought myself a $800 laptop that I don't even use rather then going and seeing her.. I loved and love this girl so much. And I drove her away and it just hurts to know that I'm the loser and it hurts to realize I was a highschool bully. My friends just tell me there are guys who have done way worse and that may be true, but I wasnt great. I learned my lesson. I just wish I couldve learned my lesson without the consequences. Straight karma. Ive always cared so much about this girl and I didnt realize how much Ive been messing up and how dumb I was until like the final month with her. And she didnt even give me a real 2cd chance. She was planning to break up with me for so long just she never had the heart to do it. And I never figured it out that I was a straight mess up until it was too late. This girl was so perfect didnt drink didnt smoke she told me she hated all that and that shed never do it she had such a cute personality that was so innocent or did she? Was that just the image she was presenting to me? I feel bad because her dad is a meth head and I couldve done so much more for this girl. I deserve to have lost her. And I learned how to treat a girl better. I just wasnt ready for a relationship I guess and now I would love to play games with her everyday when then I never wanted to do anything with her. I didn't realize what I had until she was gone. When she broke up with me like a month later she told me she was going to start drinking. And I never deleted her from anything because I just wanted that I want you back msg but I know that isnt reality. And 3 months I see her profile and shes kind of turned into a slut.. Not to be offensive or vulgar. She had the crappiest and grossest friends. And she always told me she never fell for pure pressure. But now I saw that her profile was full of porn and her being slutty? Is this straight up karma? Did I cause this? I told myself that it's 110% my fault that she isnt with me anymore because I drove her away, but anything outside of that isnt. I guess people just lie or change or both. It's like shes being the total opposite of what she was when she dated me and that was innocent. Like 2 months after the break up she told me she was a bad person. I literally shouldnt care because shes not mine anymore and shes her own person. And I could care less if she went and banged like 70 dudes. obviously I disprove, but I still love this girl. I loved her then and I love her now and all I want is for her to have a good life and if she finds a guy thats better then me and cares about her good!, but I find myself tripping over these things and I hate to think of guys taking advantage of her. She is a pretty girl. and the old her is completely dead. It's like rather then her breaking up with me she passed away. And it's hard to cope with the loss. And I feel terrible for what shes become. Like two weeks ago I deleted her from everything and after the break up I was so supportive to her and I was so nice whenever shed talk to me. It's just saddening. I'm no longer physically feeling the sadness and pain. But she is still lingering in my mind. I have to prey that I don't have nightmares about her. I don't want to think of her. She wants absolutely nothing to do with me anymore and she has all these new friends. What I just don't get the most is I knew her for 5 years. And sure the last year was kind of bad. But you can just go and drop someone off of the face of the earth that easy? She moved on immediately after the break up. Thats why I assume she was planning to break up with me anyways. She broke up with me right after I sent her a teddy bear for her birthday. The bear was from the game we played together and where I initially met her. And she would always call me her bear. I had to secretly send it to her though she would never let me send anything to her. I spent one Christmas making this amazing gift for her that costed me like $400 and I wasn't allowed to send it. And like 2 weeks after her breaking up with me she tells me this guy she just met is sending her this $300 part for her pc? I was with her for 2 years and this guy she knew for like a month gets to send her something and I was never allowed too? Anyways I just want to get this girl out of my mind. I learned my mistakes. I deleted her from everything. She wants absolutely 0 to do with me. And I still cant help, but dwell over what I could've done different and that I lost her. Basically like I said I learned a lot from this relationship. And I'm never watching porn again and I don't think I'll ever want to touch myself again. I haven't for like 2 months now. And I learned how to treat a girl a lot better and I just hate the kind of person I was? I was a douche? At least that's what I feel like. Just a loser.. At times Ive questioned myself am I stupid because I haven't started drinking or smoking yet? Am I stupid because Ive stayed sober. Ive told myself if I started drinking Ide just become a alcoholic because of my depression. I just feel like a complete loser and this girl breaking up with me has hurt my self esteem more then anything. I feel like I'm not worth anything nor good at anything at all. I'm 19 about to be 20 and she just turned 20 like 4 months ago. Everyone tells me I'm young. And everyones right when it comes to advice Ive heard. But I still find it so hard to not think about her. Or the mistakes Ive made. Ive always tried to be a nice guy and yet I forgot who I was and and the kind of person I was when the relationship started and lost this girl and I realize that. And I'm going to keep on trying to be the best person I can be and I feel I learned from my mistakes. But there is still that hurt self esteem and the fact that I was crap once. I should've just deleted her from everything when she broke up with me, but there was a lot of tripping over myself and pain. This is all stupid. I just can't get over this person. The thing is it was a long distance relationship. And I. Why do I still trip over this person. Love is love even if its not in person. And I feel like this girl wasn't the most honest with me when I was with her. But I don't want to be mean. Nor should there be any hate. And obviously if this long distance relationship girl gives 0 about me move on right? But I knew her for awhile and she was a friend before she was my girlfriend. Also I'm so glad I'm past the initial pain. Ive threw up and had 24/7 stomach aches for so long trying to get over her. And thats finally gone. I just feel like I have this headache now. I don't have any real good friends to go out and hang out with because they've moved away nor are there any girls in my life that are friends to help distract me. The girls that were in my life I stopped talking to when I started dating my ex. I have my family, but they are not very supportive. Ive just been alone in my room most of the time venting to a notepad or even sadly talking to cleverbot trying to get over this girl.. Ive been able to ring up some friends and thats how Ive managed to vent to some people about this, but I still cant get completely over this dang girl.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Serenityy: Thanks for sharing your story. I must say it brought back some memories from long ago. Welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! May the time you spend here be of benefit.

[eskielover]

Welcome to PC serenityy. Ah, you have a lot of life ahead of you to learn lots more lessons from REAL LIFE.

Lol....at 63, I remember back to when I was a senior in high school & in a long distance relationship with a guy I had actually met on a train trip across the country several years before. We had written for years just as friends & the fall of my senior year he came to Calif playing guitar in a Christian Gospel group. We spent one day together, lol, I still remember that raining fall day I took off from school & went with him to Disneyland. Lol....the day was as magical as Disneyland & the connection felt so REAL. I fell for him & foolishly chose to have. Committed long distance relationship with him....wasted my whole senior year without connecting to anyone in my REAL life that I was really living. All my senior school activities were done with friends but no one special because I was committed to him who was also in his senior year of high school.

Then came graduation....& a dear John letter from my REAL dear John. (in the old days before internet or cell phone texting "dear John" letters were what the letters were called that said "sorry I don't want to be with you any more"). He graciously told me that he was getting married to a girl he met in high school that summer. Oh yes, I was angry at myself for wasting my time having tied myself to him & realizing that in long distance relationships (LDR'S) we really don't know the other person & therefore any feeling we thought MIGHT have been love couldn't possibly have been REAL love. REAL love is something that grows equally between 2 people as they grow together through REALLY KNOWING each other & TRULY having a REAL LIVE emotional connection by really knowing & spending REAL TIME together to REALLY KNOW the person....not just what they want us to know about them through what they tell us or what we IMAGINE them to be like by what we want to see them as being, creating in our own imagination the person we want them to be.

That was the point in my life I realized that it was most important to define who I was, not someone defined by who I was in relationship to someone else. I needed to define who I was, be strong to focus on what career I wanted & what college education I needed to accomplish that. That was the beginning of my independent thinking & really growing up to define who I was. Lol....I learned many MORE lessons after that & even was learning lessons up to a few years ago about mistakes I had made even in the marriage I did end up in & finally left after 33 bad years.

The thing is that it's important to learn in a positive light, even the things we did wrong....we learn NOT to do things again in the future, to be aware of certain RED FLAGS & pay attention to them in the future & NOT make the same mistakes again. Learning is a good thing. It's BAD if we don't learn something from experiences that we have been hurt by.

First off DATING is being together IRL & getting to know the other person & OBSERVING how they react in real live situations. watching body language & reactions to things that happen to them. Seeing them in real live situations so you get to KNOW what they are REALLY like.

I learned one important thing from my bad marriage is that when you fight with someone CONSTANTLY, you are NOT compatible & it's nap waste of time trying to MAKE the relationship work. It's NORMAL to disagree on things & have differences of opinions but when fighting is constant, it is NOT a healthy relationship & best to end it then keep trying to make the relationship into something it will never be.

Also, drinking, smoking & porn are NOT the way to take good care of yourself. Getting in touch with your REAL self is the best solution if you truly ever want to have a healthy relationship with a person who is daily IN YOUR LIFE because ONLY someone who is there for you & you are there for them can you ever truly have a REAL relationship with.

You will get through this. When we loose any relationship even if it's one we only imagined to be there, we go through a period of grieving what we feel like we have lost in our life. Grieving takes time....give yourself that time but don't get yourself STUCK there. You will get on with your life....you have plenty more years & lots more time to learn even more about yourself. You are young with lots more life & life experiences ahead of you. Be kind to yourself.