dating after a divorce

First off are a few things about myself:

I'm divorced for a number of years.
I am opposed to having a platonic relationship with a man (I am female), therefore I have not had any men-relationships since my divorce.
Recently, I've come to this: I would like to have a relationship within which I can trust deeply. That having a trusting relationship wherein I can share the deepest parts of me (wihout fear) is of great value.
So when my friend suggested I meet her dh's friend I said, hey you never know.
My intention in meeting with him was to find out for myself whether he and I are a match for marriage. Not for a platonic relationship.
So he and I met. I enjoyed our time spent together and he says he did too. We made up to meet again.
He is aware that I am only 'dating for marriage' and he says he is too.

I left the date with a feeling of FEAR. Fear that the person in front of me may not be showing his true colors. That we may end up married and I may see parts of him that I won't see while we are dating. For example, a temper. I am so scared.
I don't want to develop a deep emotional attachement to him and then have my heart broken.

This fear of us eventually getting married and things not working out....drives me insane. We both have kids and I'd hate to make our kids go through another divorce.

Any ways to ensure my nightmare doesn't happen?

withit, I would say give it a chance and get to know him better. As you get to know him, you will better be able to judge his true colors and if you two are a good match. That's the purpose of dating--to get to know each other and judge compatibility. If you discover you and he are not that great a match after all, you can just stop dating him. No need to worry about marriage yet--you've only had one date! Good luck.

I agree with sunrise... just relax and have some fun with this guy, after a few more dates you'll see his true colours, whatever they are. Remember that it's human nature to put on the best possible face at first for someone you're romantically interested in, so as your bond grows, you'll both relax a bit more. Also, I know you're only interested in seeing guys with marriage-potential, but maybe just take it really slow and become friends? My bf and I are best friends, (which developed while we first dated) and that makes the romantic side of the relationship way better

Breathe..................................... and Enjoy your time with this Man - give dating him a good year and if there are things you need to know about him (before marriage) you will see them over the next 12 months.

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meander said:
I agree with sunrise... just relax and have some fun with this guy, after a few more dates you'll see his true colours, whatever they are. Remember that it's human nature to put on the best possible face at first for someone you're romantically interested in, so as your bond grows, you'll both relax a bit more. Also, I know you're only interested in seeing guys with marriage-potential, but maybe just take it really slow and become friends?

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Ditto. I'm not sure, however, that we can know whether someone is "marriage potential" before we've dated a bit. I understand not wanting to risk and be vulnerable, which is why I have no men in my life, plus I am old. But when we decide to start searching, we have to be willing to circulate, meet and greet, lighten up enough to have a good time -- and how to say "No" after we've given someone a chance and we know he's not right. I think setting that boundary can be one of the hardest parts.

When I was dating, I've had guys say some very nasty things when I set that boundary.

Following up on what Wants2fly just said, in my dating since divorce (11 years), I have never once met a man who was comfortable dating knowing I was looking for a husband. I did have men start talking about marriage rather early on (and I was being cautious and careful, I thought!), only to discover after extended time with them that they were not how they portrayed themselves to be.
I never stated I was "marriage minded" or looking for a husband, though I was open to it with the right person. My impression, though, from my experience, is that most men shy away from a woman who states up front that she is interested in marriage, though I could be wrong. There could be someone out there who feels just as you do and wants a lifelong partner. I just never met one who was honest and worthy.
I think a light-hearted approach of making friends and meeting lots of people till you "click" with someone is the best route.
Patty

a lot has been said...a lot I agree with...

Did I ever know the true colors of my former spouse? who knows...

Relationships are based on your ability to let go and trust...difficult as there are some who could do harm...unintentially or intentially...

Over time you will know...

The only way to see if someone is a good match for marriage is to date them for a while before marrying them. Marriages, as I have found out, are easy to get into, but really tough to get out of. Take your time, and don't just rush into marriage. I have been dating my boyfriend (my first relationship since my hubby) fir going on five months. I couldn't be more pleased with the fact that we are getting along well, but realize that it is way to soon to say the vows. Dating a man is not platonic remember, it's a way to determine compatibility. Pain from it may occur. You may open yourself up to a person that isn't right for you, but if you are going to play the game, you must be ready for the pain.

I'm new at this and just signed off divorce papers after five years of separation. I'm glad but really don't know where to go from here... I love this site and would appreciate your comments. Thanks.

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Ditzy said:
I'm new at this and just signed off divorce papers after five years of separation. I'm glad but really don't know where to go from here... I love this site and would appreciate your comments. Thanks.

I have given up on dating. It has been many years, I have no drive and it seems all men want from a woman is sex. I have been on teh dating websites and all of the men on those websites appear to love everything I don't. I have no problem with men at arm's length from me as workmates, casual acquaintances and even husbands of other loved ones. BUT the moment a man shows interest in me to date.....I am in instant mistrust and lock myself off from them. My mistrust of men in relationships has gone very deeply to an unhealthy level. However, in my social record, I have never dated or married any man who had any other interest than their own. Men have told me themselves that my strong independence and self assurance is "threatening" to them. If I am not fluttering and acting needy toward them, they move on. I can't tolerate that behaviour anymore. I plan to remain single forever with nothing more than a friendship. I can't trust men beyond that point.