Welcome to Divorce and Separation

Hello, I'm new here. I'm both going through divorce right now. I hope both to get some information and to contribute with my own experience.

I got a divorce after 31 years of verbal and physical abuse....I am a christian; what my church did to me (very long story)....spiritual abuse...but I managed as always to make something positive come from the ashes: www.churchabusepoetrytherapy.com

I am the moderator of an abused survivors' group; have written my memoir and my book of poetry (Sanctuary of the Soul) is in the process of publication. I am working hard to get on national tv to speak about verbal abuse (rarely recognized nor understood). it took The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans to save my life and sanity. I have also written a 25 page paper on verbal abuse and joined the American Counseling Association; hopefully they will eventually accept my paper.....1 in 3 women abused and every 9 seconds a woman is assaulted. These are global statistics.....

Went back to school at age 60 and won a scholarship; it wasn't academic, but what I wrote about my life.

I believe we are all here to make a difference, and I will never stop. Getting a divorce was the most excruciating, scary experience of my life; being alone is right next to death for me, but I keep on....keeping on!

I agree... divorce is by far and away the scariest and most excruciating experience, but I'm moving on

Thanks DocJohn,

I look forward to the wizened elders who have come through and the fellow siblings that are still struggling and growing through this new relationship journey. God Bless you and the team on the forums.

I'm neither separated or divorced ,but the issue is one that my therapist is putting to me now. I'm bipolar recently diagnosed and have dealt with severe depression for 7 years .I am a survivor of incest from my father for 5 years duration, I became pregnant with my first sexual partner at 17 and married the father . I've been married 34 years now with grown daughter and son. We have had good and bad times together but the bad were emotionally abusive and yes he was well aware of my situation with my father ,which gave him an upper hand I now believe . I have now the understanding with Steve ( children's father ) that I want nothing to do with him and I am not leaving my home . We have not been intimate in 9-10 years , my choice as I had issues with him over his abuse and my family had a long term emergency. I know that I did not have the ' tools' to respond to any of this by just leaving . So here I am now looking at the probability that my illness is linked to Steve's abusive ways though I have conditioned myself to remain unaffected, it is truly impossible to be unaffected. I am an artist , painter, and my hands are shot as I have had one carpel release which limits my work or working any where doing anything .Now I have an addition to my depression in bipolar disorder. I have no one to assist me financially for medical care if I divorce Steve and I would lose the insurance I have now. My feeling is that there is no choice but for me to stay married and do my best to cope with him . I've told Steve on more than one occasion to get a lawyer and each time he said he loved me. There is no getting through to him and I do fear not knowing how he would respond if I got the lawyer . I am so confused about what is really best for me, medical care is the big issue. Without it I may as well be here with him ,I at least will get meds . I have never worked longer than 1 year outside the home and had to give up my artistic business when my family had the emergency . I've thought maybe I could teach art in my home ,but meds are expensive . I am running all possible scenarios I can about all this . I've been in therapy for 6 weeks and added meds for 7 weeks . I'm not rushing to do anything ,but I have to think about this now. Any thoughts would be welcome as I have thought this to death I believe . Thanks so much for just being here.

I've now tried 2 therapist to help me sort out my marriage and family...I've quit both. The first talked more about her own family, and the second started taking her car to my husband! She didnt know he was my husband at first, but didnt offer to stop once she did so that ended that. The short of the long is that we invested our life savings to start a company that I opened. 6 months later in June drs find a brain tumor and I have to have surgery, wow, 6 weeks of planning, opinions and then the surgery which went well, and then I spend 2 months recovering - a fraction of what they wanted but I had to get back. 1 month later in Nov my husband gets fired, wrongly, but still - they make claims that leave us with no unemployment or insurance. I'm floored, he's devistated and everything starts falling apart. Our autistic/ADHD/PDDNOS (BP?)7 year old son is kicked out of school, then hospitalized for 3 weeks, then I have another surgery - this has taken us up to March and he has now gone since Nov with little work. We've charged and mortgaged everything. He finally takes a PT job that will allow up free insurance but it's too late for our finances and us, we never bounced back. He spent the next year smoking, smoking pot, binge drinking (all of which we dont do), ignoring the issues, not talking and coming home when he felt like it. He finally stopped(or said he did), started going to therapy, but he lies about anything he doesnt want to talk about. We went to the therapy but he didnt participate 'really' and weve just died. He felt like saying 'honey' and sweety was enough. Now here we are 2 years later and its just so hard. I'm afraid for my kids, especially my son with special needs. Any advice for sorting out sticking it out for another chance or seperating, other than the therapist route that I've tried twice already??

My ex-husband cheated on me with a bartender, she got preggo and he left me for her. I am successful, beautiful, and confident. I loved him with my whole heart and knew in my heart of hearts that we would be together forever. I never saw it any other way, I never saw it coming. This was two years ago. NOW, I can't feel anything for anyone I date. I am turned off by the littlest things, I want to be alone when I am with someone very good for me, I want them to leave me alone when they are being nice. I need to move past this as I have found the most wonderful person and I am pushing him away.

I am annoyed that at age 55 I find my self heading for another divorce woundring if something is wrong with me

Winyan getting divorced definitely doesn't mean that there's something wrong with you. But maybe these circumstances could be teaching you something. Maybe about some emotional experiences in your childhood that need to be revealed and finally healed. This is a very common, yet hidden cause, that drives people's relationships to go the way they go...

i am from India, a going thru a torture of a seperation from my marriage of 6 yrs. i was with an emotional abuser who squeezed every ounce of worth and capabiities and made me sacrifice my family friends and career all in the name of love and working out this relationship. i hope to seek help and advice from like minded sufferer, whostill seeks to prolong the pain for me by avoiding the divorce procedures and making me guilty of all the things i've left behind.

I've just got my divorce papers today gutted I wanted to grow old with her I'm so lonely Ive gone to my bed and don't want to ever get out just curl up an sleep forever it don't feel I can go on

Jamielow don't allow the circumstances and your ex-partner ruin your life. Yes - it does feel crappy and you have the right to feel all that comes. But just keep in mind, there's always a light at the end of the tunnel. And you will get through the tunnel. Separation is not the end of your life. Separation is the beginning of a new life. We have to get rid of things that don't serve us anymore in order that new things can come into our life. In this respect, you are free and your life is about to begin again.

Just keep living until you feel alive again. Ask anyone and everyone for support.... ask them to live with you for awhile if need be.

I hope you are doing better. We have to do what we have to do for awhile to manage the shock and pain. I drank a lot of alcohol and called people and sobbed while I was drunk. Now have a counselor, support group, and family and friends (despite drunken rants.) I completely fell apart. Almost 6 months have passed now and am doing much better. Joined a health club and got a personal trainer and am looking to move to a community with more people my age (I'm 63!) Divorce process coming to conclusion. My old life is gone.

You will eventually get out of bed... it's a process. You will get through this, but I know about the gut-wrenching pain.

Appreciated...

Just keep living until you feel alive again. Ask anyone and everyone for support.... ask them to live with you for awhile if need be.

This is the first time I have ever sought the advice/opinion of others over the Internet! I have been reading many wonderful articles on PC and thought I'd give this a try. I want and need to be more assertive. Here goes:

I have been married for 25 years. First 11 years my husband was an active alcoholic. We chose to get married because of my pregnancy. Obviously lots of hurt and pain with the drinking. When he became sober, 13 years ago, we decided to try for a second child and were blessed. Afterwards I suffered from mild post partum, and removal of my ovary which plunged me into menopause at the age of 40. Hormonally I was a mess. Basically then, I began to fall apart. Never a major episode, but mildly dysthymic--since childhood. This took a toll on my marriage as I feel I had so many issues on top of the bad feelings toward my husband leftover from his drinking days and my feelings of abandonment.

My problem now is that my husband told me in early November that he was not happy anymore and was leaving me after the holidays. I managed to keep my act together and get through them as normally as possible. My boys are 24 and 13. I am proud of my inner strength. My husband travels a lot and is rarely home anymore. He is still living here with me. He says that he is confused and leaving for him is sad. He does care for me. I have been taking great care of myself and trying to be strong for my kids and for me. I have apologized to my husband and expressed my desire to save the marriage.

He says he needs space to think about things. He recently told me he put a deposit on a townhouse but it won't be finished until August!! It is now the beginning of March! Am I wrong in feeling that he should just get out now? I have difficulty being assertive--and I don't want to be a doormat but I feel this is totally unfair! I feel we should either work toward rebuilding the marriage or move on. Your thoughts?

**jdpeachy ~ UGH! sometimes I get so mad & your situation definitely makes me feel that way. I can hear him now, rationalizing why he should stay it the same house with you).
My husband took off without any warning at all...and returns from time to time to see our son. HE STAYS IN THE GUEST ROOM. If you have enough room, do that. At least you'll have some privacy. He should not expect to use you this way. It's just plain mean!

My husband and I are going through as of now which may lead to separation. I can't understand why he would keep it a secret that he had been keeping in contact in his life ever since we have been dating and married with a woman whom he had a friendship and sexual relationship but she would not committ to him. He also knew how I felt about him staying in contact with her. It was until recently that I saw a text where they had been keeping in touch which led me to look at previous bills where I discovered that it has been constant.

**livingmylife. I had the same thing happen at the beginning of my marriage. He wanted to keep being "pals" with an old girlfriend. I didn't care. But when he couldn't bring himself to tell her he was getting married, I thought it was weird. Her feelings mattered a Lot more than mine, his fiance. After a couple more strange encounters, I had enough & then he decided I Had The Problem! and snuck around to call & see her. (he Had to! He didn't want to upset me!!!) Really? Dumb**s!