[oneandonly]

My husband of 36 years slept with 3 different women in the last 5 years. And I totally had no idea until I found out by looking into his hidden accounts. Suffice to say there has been big purchases and cash spent on these women, the amount that took us years to save.
Is there anyone out there in the same boat? And all these women are much younger than he is, one is 34, he's 60. What just happened?

[Rose76]

I'm not in the same boat, so I can only try to imagine being in your situation. It sounds painful. If your husband has no history of this kind of behavior, then this sounds like mid-life crisis . . . a bit late. He may be trying to recapture lost youth.

I think it's harder for men, compared to women, to accept that, with increasing age, sex becomes less central to a marriage. Other things become more important forms of bonding. Do the two of you have other things you do that bring you together?

It may be small comfort right now, but this may be a passing phase. If you want to stay in this marriage, you might want to not make too big a deal out of this. Though I think you may need to talk with him. Does he know that you know?

The money aspect is also disturbing. It doesn't sound like your husband has oodles of dough to splurge on women with. So you definitely need to protect yourself from financial loss. If this is a marriage that he wants to stay in, then I would see about getting him to agree to a rearrangement of your financial accounts that limits his access to them. Maybe the household checking account should be in your name only. Betrayal of the heart is a tough, but look to your economic security. Sequester from him what you can, of your financial assets.

[oneandonly]

Thank you Rose76. We were a bit of opposites when we married, I was 20 and he was 24. But somehow the physical attraction and romance were more than enough to allow us to follow our own interests - I am more into house, garden, reading and he's more into music, friends, and work. Also three kids along the way kept us plenty busy and devotion to the kids trumped everything else. For the most part I was happy and content and I could say the same thing for him - except for the last 5 years, I guess.

[Rose76]

Marriages can and do survive things like this. The affairs may have been rather superficial relationships, despite the gift-giving. You may need him to recommit to you. Marriage counseling may help. Do not use your children as marriage counselors. This is between your husband and you.