[readytoleave]

Where to start? My husband is selfish and thinks only about himself and takes advantage of our relationship. I feel like I am constantly trying to make it work and make our life better and he just keeps messing it up.

1. He has had multiple jobs over the 12 years we have been married. I have always been the one who is consistent, reliable, employed. I felt like he was finally getting things semi-figured out the last few years though. He was with an insurance agency for 2 years when his employer decided to retire, so wasn't paying him well anyway so I was kind of glad to see it end. We couldn't afford to buy her out, which is what he initially wanted to do and I am so glad we didn't, so he looked for another job. He found something in the neighboring state and we decided as a couple that we would make the move since it would mean I could finally stay at home with our 2 boys like I have always wanted to do. We decided on a trial run. The new job was in a town where he had family so he lived with them during the week while we stayed in our current hometown. We didn't want to just uproot our family in case it didn't work out...turned out that was a good decision because it didn't end up working. He said his boss was a super micro-manager and he wouldn't have been able to deal with that. He also claimed another person who started about the same time he did quit a week later. The thing is, I wanted him to wait to quit until he found something else back home. Instead of doing that or talking with me, he just quit, lied to me for a week and then when he finally came home Friday night he admitted it...but after he had been lying to me for a week. He was able to find another job not too long afterward with a new insurance agency that paid better than the last. Fast forward 4 months later and I find out that he hasn't been being paid at all yet because he hasn't gotten his initial 6 clients...which I didn't know was part of the deal. I came home early on Friday and he was home....not at work. He said he is getting tired of going to work and not having anything to do. If I hadn't come home he wouldn't have told me what was going on because "he doesn't want me to worry". LOL. What a joke. Supposedly he is still employed there, but he isn't getting paid until he gets those clients. He obviously is just not cut out for sales. He plays the victim and says he is just sick of not succeeding at anything, but when I suggest he try a different career path like driving truck he says he doesn't want to do it. Why not? It's good money, he would be helping to provide for his family, have variety, be busy every day and get to be home on the weekends. I am just sick of constantly feeling like he is lying to me or he is going to come home and say he doesn't have a job. Meanwhile, we are going completely broke. The last job he had didn't pay worth a crap and now he hasn't been paid for 4 months. We were barely getting by as it was.
2. We used to be foster parents. He worked at a group home during that time and a teen there made an accusation against him (that he got physically aggressive with him). Our long-term foster children were removed from the home because of it which was devastating to me and them. Eventually the charges were dropped, but I still hold a grudge against him for it. Plus, that was another instance that he was unemployed because he was let go from the group home and couldn't get another job while all the legal junk was going on.
3. He spends money on anything he wants even though we are barely getting by.
4. He has a weird sexual fetish that I don't want to go into detail about, but it makes me uncomfortable. I found out about it quite a while ago and we addressed it, but I still don't like it.
5. He is a good dad, but other things are often put ahead of our boys....softball, friends, games on his phone. I am not saying he can't have hobbies, but it gets frustrating. The boys are obviously much more attached to me because they are used to dad being gone.

That was a book, sorry. I guess I just don't know where to go from here. We have done counseling in the past, but he hasn't changed. That was before we had children though. I am just so tired of it all. I don't feel like life should be this hard or stressful. I told him we need to talk tonight but I honestly don't even know what to say any more. He will say I am being dramatic and he will get it all figured out, but I am tired of waiting for him to figure it out. I am tired of dealing with uncertainty ALL THE TIME. I think I am just ready to check out but don't even know where I would start. All of our accounts are joint. We own a house together. We have debt at this point. How does that all work in a divorce? I do have family I could live with so he could stay at the house, but we would need to sell the house in order to pay off the debt and neither of us could afford to stay there anyway....but why should he get to stay when I am the one with a job!!!! Anyone in a remotely similar situation who can offer advice?

[healingme4me]

I see that this is your first post, welcome to PC. After 5 posts, standard moderation ends and posts go through immediately.
I don't have much to offer for dealing with assets in a divorce, my own, there were none. Getting a couple of free consults as you shop around for attorneys is certainly basic advisement. Can ask questions of each before handing over a retainer.
I would and did open up an individual account and go from there.
The process takes time.
Is he open to individual counseling? My ex decided it was only I that needed to go. I was already in therapy by the time I filed. I found it helpful as I was going through a couple of life altering events all at once.

Hello readytoleave, I see this is your first post so welcome to PC! I hope you find your time here to be of benefit.

I read your whole post and can't blame you for wanting to leave. It sounds like he is not ready to work hard enough to contribute financially to the family, and that is a big deal. I don't have any personal experience with divorce or splitting assets, but hopefully some people here can provide input. I wish you all the best.

[Mdslittlbee]

Originally Posted by readytoleave

Where to start? My husband is selfish and thinks only about himself and takes advantage of our relationship. I feel like I am constantly trying to make it work and make our life better and he just keeps messing it up.

1. He has had multiple jobs over the 12 years we have been married. I have always been the one who is consistent, reliable, employed. I felt like he was finally getting things semi-figured out the last few years though. He was with an insurance agency for 2 years when his employer decided to retire, so wasn't paying him well anyway so I was kind of glad to see it end. We couldn't afford to buy her out, which is what he initially wanted to do and I am so glad we didn't, so he looked for another job. He found something in the neighboring state and we decided as a couple that we would make the move since it would mean I could finally stay at home with our 2 boys like I have always wanted to do. We decided on a trial run. The new job was in a town where he had family so he lived with them during the week while we stayed in our current hometown. We didn't want to just uproot our family in case it didn't work out...turned out that was a good decision because it didn't end up working. He said his boss was a super micro-manager and he wouldn't have been able to deal with that. He also claimed another person who started about the same time he did quit a week later. The thing is, I wanted him to wait to quit until he found something else back home. Instead of doing that or talking with me, he just quit, lied to me for a week and then when he finally came home Friday night he admitted it...but after he had been lying to me for a week. He was able to find another job not too long afterward with a new insurance agency that paid better than the last. Fast forward 4 months later and I find out that he hasn't been being paid at all yet because he hasn't gotten his initial 6 clients...which I didn't know was part of the deal. I came home early on Friday and he was home....not at work. He said he is getting tired of going to work and not having anything to do. If I hadn't come home he wouldn't have told me what was going on because "he doesn't want me to worry". LOL. What a joke. Supposedly he is still employed there, but he isn't getting paid until he gets those clients. He obviously is just not cut out for sales. He plays the victim and says he is just sick of not succeeding at anything, but when I suggest he try a different career path like driving truck he says he doesn't want to do it. Why not? It's good money, he would be helping to provide for his family, have variety, be busy every day and get to be home on the weekends. I am just sick of constantly feeling like he is lying to me or he is going to come home and say he doesn't have a job. Meanwhile, we are going completely broke. The last job he had didn't pay worth a crap and now he hasn't been paid for 4 months. We were barely getting by as it was.
2. We used to be foster parents. He worked at a group home during that time and a teen there made an accusation against him (that he got physically aggressive with him). Our long-term foster children were removed from the home because of it which was devastating to me and them. Eventually the charges were dropped, but I still hold a grudge against him for it. Plus, that was another instance that he was unemployed because he was let go from the group home and couldn't get another job while all the legal junk was going on.
3. He spends money on anything he wants even though we are barely getting by.
4. He has a weird sexual fetish that I don't want to go into detail about, but it makes me uncomfortable. I found out about it quite a while ago and we addressed it, but I still don't like it.
5. He is a good dad, but other things are often put ahead of our boys....softball, friends, games on his phone. I am not saying he can't have hobbies, but it gets frustrating. The boys are obviously much more attached to me because they are used to dad being gone.

That was a book, sorry. I guess I just don't know where to go from here. We have done counseling in the past, but he hasn't changed. That was before we had children though. I am just so tired of it all. I don't feel like life should be this hard or stressful. I told him we need to talk tonight but I honestly don't even know what to say any more. He will say I am being dramatic and he will get it all figured out, but I am tired of waiting for him to figure it out. I am tired of dealing with uncertainty ALL THE TIME. I think I am just ready to check out but don't even know where I would start. All of our accounts are joint. We own a house together. We have debt at this point. How does that all work in a divorce? I do have family I could live with so he could stay at the house, but we would need to sell the house in order to pay off the debt and neither of us could afford to stay there anyway....but why should he get to stay when I am the one with a job!!!! Anyone in a remotely similar situation who can offer advice?

I am divorced, who does he know, is You don't want to get stuck with the debt from the marriage, like I was.
GOOD LUCK!