[beetlemier75]

Hi everybody. I just need to vent. Any advice is welcomed as well.

I have been with my husband for 20 years. A month ago he confessed to a 6-month affair with a younger woman - I had no idea. For 2 weeks, he stuck by me doing all of the "right" things a cheater is supposed to do, i.e. counseling, keeping me apprised of his whereabouts, etc. Then one night after we came home from a wonderful family time with our kids (aged 15 and 16), he started drinking (he never drinks). He turned mean on a dime. Told me he had less respect for me since I was forgiving him, said "I don't want to be here anymore", took off his wedding ring, packed his bag and left for her.

I did file for divorce, but have done everything to get him to come home. I just want my husband back. His last message said that after everything he had done to our family, he couldn't come back and his decision is final to stay with her. Said he doesn't care if he loses everything in court.

How could he do this after 20 years of a great marriage (it was great)? I'm in pain constantly and cry every night and morning. I have begged him to come home to no avail. Why did he stay for 2 weeks and then decide to go so quickly? Is there any chance he will come back to us, or once a cheater leaves for the other person, is it final, in your experiences?

Please tell me this gets better. I lost my sister 3 years ago and the grief is the same, only worse because she didn't leave on purpose.

Thank you for reading.

[j1llyb3an]

I'm sorry that I don't have any advice but I want to give you a big hug.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this..

Unfortunately I don't think he's coming back. And even if he does, I don't think you should accept him back, no matter how tempting it could be. He treated you horribly.. so I think the sooner you divorce, the better. I'm just sorry you're in pain right now

Hello beetlemier75, I see this is your first post so welcome to PC! I hope you find your time here to be of benefit. Once you have 5 approved posts, you will be able to enter the chat room and talk to fellow members. There is almost always someone online to chat with.

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this difficult time. Unfortunately it sounds like he has made up his mind and doesn't want to come back, and you will have to accept that. Most people would not be so forgiving of a partner when they cheat. For me personally it would be a deal breaker. Do you have a therapist that you can work through this difficult time with?

[Open Eyes]

I am sorry you had this happen and it's left you broken hearted and confused. Often the reason a "cheater" leaves the way you described is "guilt". He left you because he can't live with the guilt he feels when he is around you. That's not something "you" can fix nor is it anything you did. Also, you forgave him and it would have been easier for him if you didn't.

A therapist explained to me that my husband is mean to me at times because I remind him of his own guilt. If the guilty one can find something wrong with the person they cheated on/lied to it reduces their guilt, or at least that is their attempt to do so.

I am sorry for this loss because you are trying to be kind and caring and forgiving and you loved your husband. He left because he felt he did not deserve you, was struggling with guilt too much and that's not something "you" can fix.

[beetlemier75]

Thank you all for your kind and supportive responses. I do see a therapist. Open Eyes, you sound like you got it right on the nose. He seemed angry that I forgave him and I couldn't understand why. Thank you for your insight.

[henchman21]

My first wife had an affair and left me for someone else...and she didn't even bat an eye. so I feel for you. He disrespected you and thought so little of you that he felt it was ok to break his vow, his promise to you.
My second wife did the same...and I feel soul crushing guilt
It's not about you, it's his selfishness and his lack of respect for you.
Be proud of your committment, but he doesn't deserve you.....you deserve better, you deserve peace in your heart.

[beetlemier75]

Originally Posted by henchman21

My first wife had an affair and left me for someone else...and she didn't even bat an eye. so I feel for you. He disrespected you and thought so little of you that he felt it was ok to break his vow, his promise to you.
My second wife did the same...and I feel soul crushing guilt
It's not about you, it's his selfishness and his lack of respect for you.
Be proud of your committment, but he doesn't deserve you.....you deserve better, you deserve peace in your heart.

I'm so sorry this happened to you, especially twice. Thank you so much for your kind words.

[beetlemier75]

I'm terrified to be alone. He was my best friend for 20 years. He really was a great husband and partner. But now he's left me with all of the responsibilities (kids, house, pets) and is off having fun with his new love without a care in the world. He was going through a mid-life crisis around the time he began the affair, and I just wish I could go back in time and change whatever it was that led to it. I know that I should be glad that I have the chance to find someone better, but all I want is him. Sad, I know.