[lost_in_the_sauce]

I have posted on here a few times so some of you may know my journey but if not I will give you a brief clip.
So I have been married to my husband for two years, but together for 4. When we started dating he was my boss and for over a year we never told anyone about our relationship due to work. During that time I caught him talking to other women and an ex. So we split for a few months and he came back asking for another chance and I gave it to him. Then we were both leaving that job and moving across the States. He moved two months before me and began graduate school. I came to visit a month after he moved and everything was great, we were getting along then a woman texted him and I felt immediately that she was a threat to our relationship and I voiced my opinion about it. Then when I went back home he sent me long email saying that he didnt want to be my bf anymore and wanted to go back to dating and having the option to see other people, so we broke up. During this break up I moved and we lived a few miles from eachother. I tried dating other people but even talking to other men made me feel like I was cheating even though I was single. I chalked it up to not being ready to move on so I quit dating and started focusing on myself and my two kids from a previous marriage. I still talked to him though and we went on a couple dates and hooked up. He has two kids so they still came around and I spent time with them, which made things really weird. I was getting over him and then he started stepping up his game. He stopped dating other people and always wanted to spend time with me and made me feel like he had changed so we started seeing eachother exclusively again and eventually we got married. 8 months into our marriage he told me he had a sexual affair with that girl I warned him about so long ago and he had this affair THE SAME WEEK WE MARRIED.

Naturally I was devastated, during the 8 months he was keeping the affair from me he was pushing me to befriend her telling me that I mistook her actions and that she was just a nice person, against my better judgement I did. I met with her a few times and we actually hit it off and I felt bad for making assumptions about her.....until I found out about them.

He had stopped the affair just after they hooked up that one time and said it was killing him inside. He has cheated on every woman he has ever been with without remorse but I guess this time he was remorseful and seemed to show it and really feel bad. We were in a bad spot at this point and I didn't (and still don't) trust him. After months of going on a downward spiral we decided to go to couples therapy. For whatever reason I still loved him and wanted to be with him so we went and it lasted about 7months. We left in a better place, still without full trust, but we were better. I could sleep with him again without thinking about what he did and I stopped bringing it up so much.

Now we are going on two years since the affair and just a little over a year of knowing. He is still in graduate school and will graduate in May and this other woman is also in that same school and they even share a couple classes. He says all contact has stopped and I am confident in that. He used to tell me how sorry he was after and now he never does that. I have moved on a lot since the affair and forgiven him, but the damage it caused still lingers.

When I found out he cheated I lost all control. I didn't feel like I knew who I was anymore, I was lost in love, in life, in parenting, in everything. I became depressed and my anxiety went to such highs that it had never reached before.

Now we are at a point where the damage is done and it is still a work in progress, when something happens that was a result of the affair and I bring it up he gets mad telling me I need to let it go already. This makes me feel like there is something wrong with me. I have let many things go but building back self esteem and a sexual appeal has been very hard for me to do.

He tells me when we fight he doesnt love me, his exact words are "what is she doing for me to make me want to stay" he feels like I owe it to him to make him want to stay and I feel like he owes it to me to make me feel like hes sorry and why should I stay.

Remember we have 4 kids living in the home together and this has been another ongoing issue. His kids are girls (9 and 7) and they do not care for me because of their mother. She tells them that I am not their mom and they do not need to listen to me or treat me with respect, so they dont and their dad will back me up, but they are always coming between me and their dad. Anytime I am around him they have come break it up, demanding attention and if I say something then I am made out to be the mean step mom trying to keep their dad from showing them love. But this is allllll the time. Then there are my two kids (8 and 4) the 8 year old causes no trouble, she is loving to both of us and to all the siblings. The 4 year old is more about me than him, he is a mommas boy and gets excited when it is time for him and I to do things alone without the girls or step dad (like when I take him to daycare). My husband always complains and tries to take him saying that he just gets too needy for me and I need to stop, but I wont let him take him because this is my only time alone with just my son and at the same time this is his only time alone with all the girls....so I took at it as a trade off where the kids are getting the special attention for the parent they most desire.

I am now at this spot where I am fighting to keep loving him or begin to let go. I do not know what to do. While I am sure he is not 100% faithful I feel like I cannot heal with him and his children. I know that sounds bad, but when his kids are not around we are a so much better. I find it hard to get the attention I need from my husband to heal and get my self confidence and strength back when all his attention is going to his two girls who are doing everything they can to tear us apart. But at the same time I still love him and I don't want another failed marriage. I dont want to put my 8 year old through that (he biological father left when she was a baby) so she looks at her step dad as her dad and she would be the most hurt if I were to leave.

Any advice would be great. Don't just take my side, if you can see where my husband is coming from please let me know. I am at a loss for what is best for me, for my kids, for my family. and hopefully some opinions from all sides can paint a better picture.
So if you have gone though something like this or are now I would love to hear from you.

[PinkyDoo]

1) He's cheated on every woman he's ever been with
2) He gets mad at you when you bring it up he says "get over it" but he's still in contact with the woman with whom he had the affair (since they are in grad school together). Can you trust that it's really over?
3) When you fight he says he hates you and then asks what YOU are doing to make HIM stay. Shouldn't he be asking himself what He is doing to make YOU stay?
4) He dumped you so he could see the woman he had an affair with. Then he got back together with you and kept seeing her. Then slept with her the week you got married? What was he doing? Just making sure he was making the right choice??
5) Your words, "I'm fighting to keep loving him." Should you have to fight?

Cut and run, girl. You know the saying "a leopard doesn't change it's spots"? IMHO this guy of yours is a leopard.

It may have been a while ago, but that is the sort of thing that can shake a relationship to the core, and major repair work needs to be done. Has he been willing to do the work? Sure, at some point you should be able to trust again, but that's not going to happen without doing the work.

I'd like to say, give it time, do marriage counseling, but reading this story makes me think things are just not going to change.