[Hopeless1991]

Hello guys,

Could really do with some advice.

Me and my wife have separated, and this isn’t the first time. It first started when she got a new job and it changed her, she become arrogant and domineering and I wasn’t supportive of this job. Suddenly she’s decided to leave and move out in to a place with her friends from work. I guess she came back out of a guilt and it turned out she was having an emotional affair with a colleague which had led to some kissing, I tried to believe that it ended but she gave me every possible reason to believe it hadn’t so with in a few days she was gone again. She came round to collect some stuff and she said sorry and we ended up having unprotected sex. She still was adamant about leaving. 3 weeks later, I was finally accepting that she just didn’t want me and then she calls me, she was pregnant. Suddenly, she wanted to be with me and she called quits on that job pretty soon. Although we had unprotected sex, I didn’t know if the baby was mine because I couldn’t trust her to tell the truth. The pregnancy was hard and stressful with everything going on but we both supported each other and when our beautiful daughter was born, I loved her the second she Came out despite not knowing. Had my DNA test done and it confirmed I was the father.
Ever since then our relationship has been bipolar to say the least. I’ve been an absolute control freak due to the lack of trust and her reluctance to take responsibility for what happened. We had another break a year ago because I started to become very unstable and would say horrible things to her but through these times, we have some amazing memories. Recently things have come a head again (I know it sounds miserable but when things are good, they’re very good and when things are bad, they’re awful) and this time it seems permanent. I really don’t want it to be, and we had a recent conversation before it kicked off and she said nothing ever breaks us up and we could get through everything. This time though, she’s got herself a flat and my time with our two beautiful babies is being cut dramatically. There’s no denying I’ve been an awful husband with the things I’ve said which makes me cringe to think about but I think there is enough of the past me to get back to who I used to be before the EA happened, however I understand her need to leave at the minute. She’s so set in her mind that I’ve always been this terrible person always and can’t see any of the good qualities in our relationship. This time it feels like that’s it, I desperately want to be the husband I know I can be but at the minute she’s having none of it. She’s very cold, very bitter and none of this seems to be bothering her. I completely understand why she doesn’t want to be with as I am at the moment but do controlling people ever change?
Finally was able to have a semi decent conversation last night and she’s saying that even if I sort my issues with control and anger out it doesn’t mean we’ll get back together because she only feels sorry that the kids don’t have a full family and doesn’t miss me. My only glimmer of hope is that admittedly, I’ve been badgering her to speak about how we feel and she’s saying she’s 100% done (but she’s said this before). Also, at the moment she’s staying at her mums house where her sister and Mum live so she’s not really having to experience the loneliness,
when she’s in her new place on Saturday and providing I don’t keep hassling her do you think she will at least consider reconciliation?

Sorry for the ramble, just don’t know what to do.

[Shazerac]

First of all welcome to psych central

You mentioned that things got "bipolar"? People can be biploar, but not a situation. Has either of you been actually diagnosed? Anger issues can be part of the bipolar spectrum. If you do want to keep your family I strongly suggest that you get professional help. Go to a psych doc and find out if you do have a mental illness. You may or may not but it's important to know. It's also very important to see a therapist about anger issues.

Originally Posted by Hopeless1991

Hello guys,

Could really do with some advice.

Me and my wife have separated, and this isn’t the first time. It first started when she got a new job and it changed her, she become arrogant and domineering and I wasn’t supportive of this job. Suddenly she’s decided to leave and move out in to a place with her friends from work. I guess she came back out of a guilt and it turned out she was having an emotional affair with a colleague which had led to some kissing, I tried to believe that it ended but she gave me every possible reason to believe it hadn’t so with in a few days she was gone again. She came round to collect some stuff and she said sorry and we ended up having unprotected sex. She still was adamant about leaving. 3 weeks later, I was finally accepting that she just didn’t want me and then she calls me, she was pregnant. Suddenly, she wanted to be with me and she called quits on that job pretty soon. Although we had unprotected sex, I didn’t know if the baby was mine because I couldn’t trust her to tell the truth. The pregnancy was hard and stressful with everything going on but we both supported each other and when our beautiful daughter was born, I loved her the second she Came out despite not knowing. Had my DNA test done and it confirmed I was the father.
Ever since then our relationship has been bipolar to say the least. I’ve been an absolute control freak due to the lack of trust and her reluctance to take responsibility for what happened. We had another break a year ago because I started to become very unstable and would say horrible things to her but through these times, we have some amazing memories. Recently things have come a head again (I know it sounds miserable but when things are good, they’re very good and when things are bad, they’re awful) and this time it seems permanent. I really don’t want it to be, and we had a recent conversation before it kicked off and she said nothing ever breaks us up and we could get through everything. This time though, she’s got herself a flat and my time with our two beautiful babies is being cut dramatically. There’s no denying I’ve been an awful husband with the things I’ve said which makes me cringe to think about but I think there is enough of the past me to get back to who I used to be before the EA happened, however I understand her need to leave at the minute. She’s so set in her mind that I’ve always been this terrible person always and can’t see any of the good qualities in our relationship. This time it feels like that’s it, I desperately want to be the husband I know I can be but at the minute she’s having none of it. She’s very cold, very bitter and none of this seems to be bothering her. I completely understand why she doesn’t want to be with as I am at the moment but do controlling people ever change?
Finally was able to have a semi decent conversation last night and she’s saying that even if I sort my issues with control and anger out it doesn’t mean we’ll get back together because she only feels sorry that the kids don’t have a full family and doesn’t miss me. My only glimmer of hope is that admittedly, I’ve been badgering her to speak about how we feel and she’s saying she’s 100% done (but she’s said this before). Also, at the moment she’s staying at her mums house where her sister and Mum live so she’s not really having to experience the loneliness,
when she’s in her new place on Saturday and providing I don’t keep hassling her do you think she will at least consider reconciliation?

Sorry for the ramble, just don’t know what to do.

I am sorry your family has broken up. Sometimes things that happened a while back can cause problems when we don't talk about our feelings fully at the time they occurred. And sometimes we bring up things from way to long ago and hold it against our partner when we are angry at them.

I do not know her so I don't know if it is to late but when you are feeling angry toward her just leave. This is not a good time to talk to her. The more mean, angry, threatening or negative things you say, the farther you will drive her away. Instead of hassling her, find things that you genuinely like and complement her. Is she willing to go on a date with you anymore? If it is not too late and she is will to be with you sometimes a tender touch, rather than words might win her over. Especially if your physical relationship was good and she is not seeing someone else. She might miss having sex with you. While this could help, don't rush into it to fast unless you know it is what she wants. Hopefully you are able to tell when she is having good feelings toward you--make sure she is happy to be hugged and held first. Be patient rather than controlling and make sure you are doing more listening than badgering--have you ever talked to a therapist about this? I hope it all works out for you. I am sorry you are hurting so much.

[Hopeless1991]

Originally Posted by Shazerac

First of all welcome to psych central

You mentioned that things got "bipolar"? People can be biploar, but not a situation. Has either of you been actually diagnosed? Anger issues can be part of the bipolar spectrum. If you do want to keep your family I strongly suggest that you get professional help. Go to a psych doc and find out if you do have a mental illness. You may or may not but it's important to know. It's also very important to see a therapist about anger issues.

Sorry to misuse the word bipolar, should be more sensitive using it due to my brother suffering with it, it was just the best to describe how quickly things go from good to bad at times. I’ve been to counselling before and am also on anti-depressants but looking back on my counselling I wonder if I gave it up too quickly, but I literally ran out of things to say!

[Hopeless1991]

Originally Posted by Hopingtrying

I am sorry your family has broken up. Sometimes things that happened a while back can cause problems when we don't talk about our feelings fully at the time they occurred. And sometimes we bring up things from way to long ago and hold it against our partner when we are angry at them.

I do not know her so I don't know if it is to late but when you are feeling angry toward her just leave. This is not a good time to talk to her. The more mean, angry, threatening or negative things you say, the farther you will drive her away. Instead of hassling her, find things that you genuinely like and complement her. Is she willing to go on a date with you anymore? If it is not too late and she is will to be with you sometimes a tender touch, rather than words might win her over. Especially if your physical relationship was good and she is not seeing someone else. She might miss having sex with you. While this could help, don't rush into it to fast unless you know it is what she wants. Hopefully you are able to tell when she is having good feelings toward you--make sure she is happy to be hugged and held first. Be patient rather than controlling and make sure you are doing more listening than badgering--have you ever talked to a therapist about this? I hope it all works out for you. I am sorry you are hurting so much.

Thank you for your honest advice.

Today I went to pick up our daughter and something was different. Firstly, I decided that I wanted to be as positive as I can be, no pressuring or trying to reason with her, just honesty and keeping things light hearted. To my surprise I stayed for two hours mostly chatting and a little flirting and laughing. I even managed to get a little hug when we left, although she was talking about the future and alluding to us being apart so I don’t know what to make of that.
I have indeed been to a counsellor and also take anti depressants, but when I was there I could never see how I could trust again whereas now I just want to move on with our lives and just live in the present.

[Faith50]

I can relate somewhat to your situation. My soon-to-be ex husband had an emotional affair in the fifth year of our marriage. We were having fertility issues and he needed someone else to lean on I suppose. He got involved with a married woman and I found out about it. I was devastated to say the least. Long story short, we went to counseling and thought we were going to make it. I eventually got pregnant and found out he was still having contact with this woman. He eventually ended it right before I gave birth to our baby girl. Things were better once the baby was born and we could focus on our family. But I wasn't better, I was bitter. Which is how you described your wife. I held the affair against him and I couldn't get past it. I hated him for it. I would become everything you say you are. I was angry, I was sad, I was upset, and I was mean. Things eventually got better and we worked through our issues. Fast forward three years later and he walked out to be with another married woman. This is what led to my decision to divorce.
Anyway, my point being, there was a reason why your wife had the affair. And that reason is 100% her. Regardless of what you did or did not do, said or didn't say, it was her decision to do what she did. Some couples can bounce back from an affair, but many can't. I thought I could. I really, really wanted to, but I just couldn't. I saw my husband in a different light and it wasn't a good one. Something has to change in the dynamic of your marriage in order for things to work or not work. Does that make sense? Nothing changes, if nothing changes.
The only advice I have is to sit down with her and be honest. How do you feel towards her? Does the affair bother you still? What needs to change? Can this really work?
I really hope you can make it work and live happily ever after. I thought my marriage is what I wanted, but I can't tell you how happy I am not being with him any more. It is like a weight has been lifted and everyone, I mean everyone, is commenting on how much happier and joyful I seem. Sometimes things have to fall apart in order to fall back together, and sometimes things have to be completely broken to find happiness again.
I wish you the best and may things work out the way you wish