[sadsorrows]

My ex husband and I have gotten back together, it has been tough for us however we keep trying (anymore I am not sure why) to love each other. Well I do love him anyway.

He has a Therapist and does not want me to go with him. He cuts and talks of suicide often. Don't I need to be a part of his support system? Don't I need the tools to help him when he talks of suicide? Shouldn't I be at therapy with him? It is for us I feel, I am as well depressed due to trying to keep us afloat.

I am very confused. He says he wants to go for himself, try to help himself, I feel as though he is leaving me behind! We have been divorced over a year now due to his drinking and lies. Impulsive behavior. He cried and wanted to make our life together work, so did I, back then. Now, I feel he is leaving me behind, he wants a new car, one night out alone drinking, ( drinking and lies caused me to divorce him) and therapy alone. NO, I can't do that, am I wrong?
I also am an adult child of alcoholic family.
I feel like a bad person for wanting to keep our lives "clean."

[eskielover]

Dysfunctional, co-dependent (one post you wrote said you only feel like half a person without a guy in your life & feeling BAD for wanting a clean life... really, you feel BAD about something that is good? )....just to name a few terms that come to mind.

Do you have your OWN therapist? I think having your own good therapy sessions might help you understand why you got divorced in the first place & why you should probably stay that way.

This guy sounds like a user & abuser of you & you want to learn coping skills to be able to cope with this kind of treatment?

His parents are making his car payment while he spends HIS money going out & getting drunk. No wonder why he wants you back so you can do what his parents are doing & probably complaining about. He wants you to provide for him & enable his drinking & continue listening to his lies.

Just because you grew up in a house where alcoholism was normal.....IT'S NOT.....& it should NOT be tolerated or enabled.....your own therapy would help you learn to be strong to stand up AGAINST this kind of treatment. Are you so desperate to have a man in your life that this is the kind of crap you are willing to tolerate? All things having your own therapy could help YOU with.

These things are just some things to think about regarding this relationship with your ex.

You left him for good reason. Leopards do not change their spots especially when he wants a night out to drink.....& a person who lies, you can bet that NEVER changes. Is that really what you want for your life again?

[healingme4me]

One thing that used to come up as a topic of discussion in a previous support group that I was a member of back when I was going through my divorce was the topic of what is love?

Is it love to feel sorry for and pity for a romantic partner? Is it fair to be a caretaker and not a life partner with the same goals and aspirations for life?

[MickeyCheeky]

Have you thought about going on therapy by yourself? I agree it would be best if you could both go, but if he really doesn't want to, perhaps it's better this way..

[downandlonely]

I would also suggest doing therapy for yourself.

[Rose76]

Go to Al-Anon. Learn what I learned by going there. You cannot manage your husband's life. Focus on managing your own. Is your husband still drinking? If he is, then the therapy probably won't do him much good.

It sounds like your husband is a lying drunk. That's what he has chosen to be. You can't make his choices for him. You don't have that right. Whether you stay with him or leave is not what is most important. In either case you must accept that you are two separate people. Live your own life.

I urge you to go to an Al-Anon meeting and take home an armful of literature. Read and think. You have a bunch of wrong ways of coping, going back to childhood. You can change. Change yourself. That might inspire him to change. But that's his business.