man at wit's end due to ex & alimony

Someone important to me is at his wit's end and I fear he may think suicide is the only way out. He did not have legal representation at the divorce (several years ago) and his wife was awarded child support & alimony. Kids are now adults and he's up to date on what he owes her. He served her papers because the alimony has no end date and he cannot afford it (he is blue collar, works hard but does not make a lot). Now the ex may try to get even more out of him (since he opened the door by filing against her) - she claims to be disabled and has signed over her home to their daughter so she can show very few assets.

It doesn't seem like there's a good outcome from this. He could try to cancel his action against her so she doesn't try to get more out of him, but then he's in the same boat he's been in plus he owes money to the lawyer. If she does try to get more out of him, I have some capacity ($) to try and help him fight it but I don't know if there's much chance things can get better, like getting the alimony stopped or reduced. It feels pretty hopeless. Yes, he made a big mistake in not having a lawyer when they divorced, but should he have to pay for a mistake like that for the rest of his life?

Does anyone have suggestions for a website where I could learn more about the legal process in situations like this?

Are there any men's advocacy organizations that can help?

I've been thinking about other ways that he might consider dealing with this. I think there would be some satisfaction if he could somehow get other people to see what an evil person she is - I believe she is just trying to make him as miserable as possible, she is trying to "win." I don't know if her family or community could have any sway with her, but if she were treated as the pariah that she deserves to be treated as, at least she would pay some sort of price for trying to destroy him. He's not perfect, but he tries very hard to do the right things. He does not deserve this. Maybe we could write a book about this or blog or something.

Thanks for listening.

I did not know that alimony had no end date...that's just insane, how can a divorced man be forced to pay his ex wife for the rest of his life? How can he have a sense of closure and move on in such situation?

By law, is she forbidden from getting cash from her ex-husband if another man is supporting her?

If so, can you find out if she has re-married or in a domestic partnership with another man?

What state do you live in? Maybe I can help/

The issue is happening in Missouri. Yes, I agree, the unlimited alimony is ridiculous, but that's what happened since he didn't have a lawyer and she did and she wanted to make him as miserable as possible. She is not re-married and not being supported by a man as far as I know.

I found this:

Quote:

In Missouri, when a couple files for divorce, one of the spouses may be entitled to receive financial support from the other. This support is known as maintenance or alimony. A judge will make an alimony order when one spouse cannot maintain living expenses and the other spouse is financially able to provide support. The supported spouse may be disabled or may have a disadvantage in terms of education or career training. Maintenance is not meant to punish the paying spouse—rather, it is supposed to make sure that both spouses can maintain a standard of living after divorce that is as close as possible to what they had during the marriage. When Alimony is Awarded To determine whether alimony is appropriate, the judge will first evaluate whether the spouse requesting alimony has sufficient property to be self-supporting. If not, the next inquiry is whether the spouse can become self supporting by getting a job or some kind of education or training. A spouse may also need support if a child requires special care so that the parent’s employment outside the home would be inappropriate. The Amount and Duration of an Alimony Award If the court finds that it is appropriate to award maintenance, it looks at the following factors to determine the duration and amount: the financial resources of the dependent spouse, including any property awarded during divorce the time necessary for the dependent spouse to obtain further education and training each spouse’s earning capacity the standard of living established during the marriage the duration of the marriage each spouse’s assets and debts each spouse’s conduct during marriage. and the age and physical and emotional condition of the spouse asking for support and the ability of the other spouse to provide that support. Modification and Termination of Alimony In an order for maintenance, the judge may make the order modifiable or nonmodifiable. In a modifiable order, the spouses can come back to court for a change in the order if there has been a substantial change in circumstances—a change so substantial that continuing the order would make the terms unreasonable. For example, if the dependent spouse finds a job and had enough money to be entirely self-supporting, the court may reduce or cancel the payments. Moving in with a partner is also a change in circumstances that can affect a support award, and the supported spouse’s remarriage almost always ends support. In a nonmodifiable order, the maintenance will continue even if both spouses’ circumstances have changed. Nonmodifiable orders generally have a set end date or are intended to last until a terminating event, such as remarriage of the supported spouse. It’s very rare for alimony to be truly permanent, meaning it lasts until the death of the supported spouse, but under special circumstances a judge might make such an order. Unless the order states otherwise, a maintenance order is automatically terminated if the dependent spouse remarries or at the death of either spouse. However, in certain circumstances, the court may put into the order that the maintenance payments will continue even after remarriage or the death of the paying spouse. Calculating Alimony Missouri does not have specific guidelines for calculating alimony; each maintenance order is tailored to the specific circumstances of the case.

Quote:

Like many states, Missouri courts prefer to call alimony “spousal maintenance.” By any name, there are few definitive rules regarding when a judge orders it and how long the payments last. Missouri courts have a great deal of discretion when it comes to spousal maintenance or support. It usually comes down to the opinion of a single judge, based on the particular circumstances of your case. Terms of Decree Your divorce decree may or may not specify how long you have to pay maintenance to your ex. Generally, Missouri judges decide property division first, because this can affect both the paying spouse’s ability to provide support and the receiving spouse’s need for it. For example, an asset awarded to your spouse, such as a rental property, might produce income. Therefore, she would need less financial assistance from you. The court also looks to the earning capacity of the spouse seeking maintenance, so the duration of your marriage factors in. A spouse who has not worked in 10 years or more because she stayed home to take care of the family is more likely to receive maintenance than a younger spouse with career options. However, even younger spouses might receive support if they must remain a home to care for very young or disabled children. Types of Alimony Generally, Missouri courts do not order “permanent” alimony. Your divorce decree probably includes a termination date or is silent regarding a specific date when your obligation ends. Judges order termination dates based on how much time they feel a receiving spouse might reasonably need to acquire sufficient job skills or education to support herself. If your decree includes a termination date, you can usually expect to pay alimony until that time. If it does not, you’ll pay until either your circumstances or your spouse’s circumstances experience a significant change. Other Factors Some factors can terminate your support obligation sooner than expected. For example, if your ex remarries, you would not have to continue supporting her unless your decree specifically provides for this. However, this is rare. If she dies, she no longer requires your support. If you die, your estate may or may not have to continue paying your ex. In some cases, such as when the receiving spouse is disabled or older and cannot possibly support herself, judges will order a provision that she must continue receiving financial support from your estate or a life insurance policy after your death. Most decrees that include termination dates also include language requiring your ex to actively seek employment while she’s receiving support. If she makes no effort to find work so she can support herself, you have the right to petition the court and bring this to a judge’s attention. He might terminate your obligation to pay her alimony. Modifications Unless your decree specifically states that your support obligation is not modifiable, you usually have the right to petition the court if circumstances change. Generally, all orders without a termination date are modifiable. If something occurs that makes your alimony obligation “unreasonable,” you can file a motion with the court asking a judge to either end it or change it. However, it’s up to you to supply the court with proof of the changed circumstances, and the change must usually be permanent in nature. For example, if you lose your job, you’ll most likely pursue new employment. However, if you become disabled and can’t work, this is an ongoing problem. If your ex wins the lottery, she wouldn't need your support anymore. In situations such as these, the court will probably reduce or eliminate your support payments.

I wish I've had more legal advice to give to you and your friend, G lady! I'm REALLY HAPPY that sarahsweets was able to look for some information about that at least! Hopefully that will help a little bit! It's certainli HORRIBLE that your friend is getting humiliated like this and I certainly hope that you'll BOTH be able to find a solution! You're BOTH in my thoughts and prayers! I hope things will work out for him! Let us know if there's ANYTHING AT ALL that we can do to HELP YOU OUT and WE'LL DO IT! THAT'S A PROMISE! Please keep us updated on your and your friend's situation AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN IF YOU CAN AND WANT TO, OK? I HOPE THINGS WILL GET BETTER SOON FOR YOUR FRIEND! WISH YOU THE BEST OF LUCK TO YOU BOTH! Sending many AWESOME, kind, safe, sweet, warm, wise and WONDERFUL HUGS TO YOU AND YOUR FRIEND, G LADY, JUST LIKE YOU BOTH ARE! PLEASE BELIEVE THAT AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN BECAUSE IT IS TRUE AND PLEASE REMEMBER THAT AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN BECAUSE IT IS TRUE AND YOU BOTH KNOW THAT EVEN IF IT'S DEEP DOWN INSIDE YOU!

Can he find a "no win no fee" lawyer? Is there a blue collar trade union he can join which provides legal help? Are there any legal aid organisations in your town?
It seems worth doing a bit of digging around advice organisations to get opinions/ referrals, since from what you say he should have a good case. I know it's triggering to not have the money that you need to solve the problem of not having the money, & etc - but that is what trade unions and advice organisations are there to provide.

Even, I once got great advice from a debt counselling organisation that happened to have someone with legal experience on board. I called a heap of supposed debt advice people who were useless, then I chanced on a well-informed place.

It's worth trying everything you can find, and then some. Good luck!!!

Thanks for the info and support!

The best person for him to get advice from is an attorney.