Tough time dealing with separation

Leaving your home may not have been the wisest thing for you to do, unless you were court-ordered to do so. (Pardon me, if I've missed something.) Never walk away from your child or your property without first consulting an attorney. That was your home. You had a right to be there.

Your wife's situation with her special needs child is a difficult one that can lead to unhappiness. She may be mis-assigning blame for her unhappiness to you. IDK. I'm just tossing that out as a possibility.

It often comes up in this forum that one spouse tells the other to leave, and the rejected spouse meekly acquiesces and packs a bag. I don't think that ever, ever helps save a marriage. It can also make it look like you have abandoned the marriage. That can affect your leverage in negotiating a divorce settlement. That's why a lawyer should be consulted right at the get-go, especially if you are not wanting to dissolve the marriage.

I'm a bit suspicious of a spouse who engineers a separation, when what they really want is a divorce. You have to ask yourself why she didn't just file for divorce. I can see some rationale for a "separation" when there is behavior like adultery, substance abuse, compulsive gambling, etc. I can see some rationale for it when both parties sincerely hope to try and reconcile their differences. If it's a case of one party simply deciding to throw the other party out, I suspect someone is about to get the shaft. To some extent, throwing one's spouse out is a bullying tactic. It pre-weakens the rejected spouse before the real battle for assets begins.

It's not uncommon in marriage for one or other of the partners to hit a rough spot in their own psychic well-being and jump to the conclusion that they could better their life by getting rid of the other partner. Lots of mature married couples can tell you they've weathered an interval like that. There are times when you just have to ride a thing out. If, after being told to "get out ," you humbly say, "Okay, just let me grab my hat and a few other things, and I'll go." - you are assuming the weakest posture. That's the worst way to gain your wife's respect and the surest way to set the stage for divorce. There are times when a "mandate" from one's partner should be ignored. At least, that is sometimes the advice of legal counsel.

What's done is done. If you haven't done so, call a lawyer now.

I'll bet anything that you being out of that house is not influencing your wife to think, "Gee, I think maybe I'll let him try and win me back." That's a fantasy. You're just getting smaller and more dispensable in her view. Forget the "charm offensive." It will get you nothing.

Addendum: Don't tell your wife you're getting an attorney. Just get one. Don't express any interest in the two of you "sharing" a lawyer. (I doubt she would.)

You sound like a decent guy. I'm sorry you are in this very hurtful situation. It's got to be one of life's worst pains.

Life dealt your wife a very tough hand with the birth of your step-son. She was rather young when it happened, too. It doesn't get easier. I'll bet her life must feel pretty "boring" a lot of the time. On top of that, all marriages get boring. It would be understandable, if she got angry and depressed. Life is demanding that she mature fast. She's not sounding real mature to me. I think she is recklessly going down a road that isn't going to turn out real well for her. She feels cheated and may have decided that "nice guys finish last." So she's dumping her nice, boring husband, figuring she better go-for-the-gusto, while she's still quite young. This is short-sighted. How many guys are going to be up for partnering with a woman who has a special needs child?
( She was dang lucky to have found you.) It sounds like she wants to run wild for awhile with no thought of where that will land her.

Women who want out of a marriage sometimes play this game of being separated, but not actually pursuing divorce. That can be a way of milking you to the max. I don't know your wife. You must have seen some good in her. She probably has her virtues. But don't go along with being made into a complete sap. Get counsel. Trying to pacify her with romantic gestures is not working, and it likely won't. She'll just see you as more "boring." Make yourself a little mysterious. Keep up your relationship with the kids, but don't ask a lot of questions about what she's thinking and planning. You'll only get B.S. answers about how she's "working on herself." That's bunk. I think you may be excessively tolerant. Women don't want martyrs. They prefer warriors. Toughen up. When you are in her presence, mostly listen. Speak minimally. She'll be quizzing you to see where your head is at. Leave her wondering.

You are probably the more mature spouse. If you want to fight for this marriage (which might make you less boring,) see the lawyer. Then, unless legal counsel objects with good reason, get back in that house, even if you sleep on the couch. Your stance toward your wife could be, "Either put up, or shut up. If you want me out of here, do what you have to do." Then just go about daily life. Don't plead and cajole. She has already made up her mind whether or not she intends to divorce you. Let her put the cards on the table and stop playing with your head, which is what she's doing. Nevermind her taking responsibility for the marital rift. She never will. But, if you can get life back to some kind of normal cohabitation, even if it's sexless, there may be a shot at derailing the divorce. Stop dancing to the tune she plays. She does not know where she's going in life.

Sorry you are going through this. Sounds like my husband. He tells me constantly how we don't work but doesn't try to do work on our marriage. He's been married before. This is my first and only marriage...or so I thought (his parents have reached been married 3-4 times so that's his model). It really is hard to love and commit to someone only to have them reject you in the end. I think people can and do just flip without any advance warning. My husband sure did. Not saying things are perfect but I know I take marital vows seriously. For better or worse means something to me. It means little to others.