The Ex-In-Laws

After 20 years of marriage, I'm getting a divorce. I'll be glad to no longer be married to my husband, but I am kind of sad that this means my relationships with my in-laws will also end. We have spent every Christmas with his family, and I enjoy these get togethers, especially with his brothers and sisters. His parents and I get along pretty well--I wouldn't call us close--but I do feel enriched for having known them. What is the protocol for what to do about these relationships? Once you are divorced, do you cease all contact with the in-laws? I do not live in the same town as any of the siblings or parents.

This Christmas, my husband and kids will be spending the holiday with all his brothers and sisters. I will miss that gathering! I'm considering whether to send a card with him for each of his siblings with a short note wishing them a happy Christmas and telling them I will miss them. Nothing heavy, just a light good wishes and a "I have valued knowing you" sort of message. Do you think that is appropriate? And I thought maybe I would also mail his parents a Christmas card with a similar message. But I'm not sure. I guess one thing that is holding me back is that early in our relationship, the marriage of his brother fell apart, and the ex-wife of course stopped attending the family gatherings. During the split and divorce, the family was so vitriolic towards her. They gossiped about how awful she was (I always thought she was pretty nice!) and how wonderful their son was and how the wife was a bad mom just trying to screw him out of every penny she could get. I hated listening to their venomous talk, and I remember hoping, geez, I sure hope DH and I never get divorced because these people will totally hate me. Now I am in that position. I am wondering if all these people I once got along with are now gossiping about me and saying how awful I am. And if I send them cards, would they laugh and turn them into something negative and hateful? These are good people but were so strongly invested in supporting their brother way back when, that they eagerly trashed his wife. Now it is my turn? I don't know. Should I send the cards?

No reason to end; if you can get along with your husband all right, the kids need their grandparents, etc. so it's normal to continue the relationship if both parties wish?

I'm going this Saturday night to my husband's ex-wife's house and bringing presents for her mother, sister and her boyfriend and sister's boyfriend! We still get together for holidays and other times of year (I had the mother's day party this past summer :-) Give your mother-in-law a call or ask your husband to ask her to call you, whatever, and the two of you go out together and "decide" how to move forward?

Thanks, Perna. My mother and father-in-law live over 1200 miles away in a state I would probably never visit. So we can't just get together. They don't do email, so any contact would be by phone or letter. I would never be able to call them, at least without some prior contact by mail, so the choice right now is either send a letter/card or do nothing. I know I can't arrange to give the siblings cards without mailing one to the parents. That would be a major faux pas, even though I feel closer to the sibs. (The siblings only live a few hours drive away.)

That sounds like some gathering you are going to. Good for you. A great model for me.


</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
What kind of tree would you place in the yard of an enchanted bungalow?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I think I would choose a weeping willow!

I would like to ask what the relationship was like with each of these extended family members. if it was good then by all means send the cards. 20 yrs in a marriage has to mean something.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
bebop said:
I would like to ask what the relationship was like with each of these extended family members. if it was good then by all means send the cards.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">The relationship with the brothers and sisters was better than with the parents. I always felt that the mom was judging me and I came up short, but it wasn't horrible or hateful or anything, just a feeling that I didn't measure up. We had pleasant times together. If it was just the brothers and sisters, I would send them cards. But I know if I send them cards and don't send the parents one, it will get back to the parents and they will be offended. So, I'm still waffling. I also think that if I don't send a card this holiday season, I never will. If I send one this year, that opens the way for future keeping in touch. Thanks for the input.

I wouldn't do it personally... but I can understand how after spending your holidays with certain people for 20 years would be a hard thing to let go. So I agree with bebob...Send the cards, that's the only way to find out. But I think doing this every year could end up being depressing. You can't grow if you're still dwelling in the past.

I disliked visiting my inlaws. They lived out of state and so visiting was a big deal. I am so grateful I'm not obligated to be stressed out and criticized for weeks until the holidays are over. Because I have a child with my ex, I still have to see them but only in passing and that's more than enough for me.

I don't think you have to worry about your parent in-laws feelings about cards and it being a "faux pas" to send to the siblings; your age/generation and closer proximity to you and not the parents mediates in a practical way in your favor.

Have your children keep in touch with their grandparents through cards/calls/visits and you can write personal letters to the siblings whenever you want; that's why it is called "personal correspondence" :-) One's own siblings do things together and exclude some, include others, etc. due to where they live; no reason that now you're not as much "family" as "friend" that you can't do the same! It's not like you're looking to date your husband's brother or anything; you just want to occasionally have a chat with a sister or sister-in-law!

The parents-in-law at this point are only "important" as being your children's grandparents; you all weren't that close and they're not your generation and you no longer wish to have ties to them except through your kids; that seems "natural" to me and I don't think they'll find it offensive (and even if they do, that's part of why you're divorcing their son; someone's attitudes/beliefs are at odds with your own! :-)

Sunrise,
I've thought about this very situation several times as I consider what to do in my marriage. I am close with several of his family members and often wonder how a separation will affect not just my relationship but my kids relationship with these family members.
I've also thought about my kids hearing all of the gossip and venomous talk that would likely surface during family gatherings. I don't think it would be started by the family members I'm close with but I know my husband wouldn't hold back.

Take care this holiday.

Warning: glum post ahead

I've just been feeling so depressed the last week that I couldn't handle this additional decision about whether to send the in-laws cards or not. I know, I'm a wimp. So I did nothing. But yesterday, when my husband (guess I still don't call him "ex-" yet; we are still married) came over to get the kids to take them for several days for a trip to the in-laws, I did ask him to wish all his brothers and sisters Merry Christmas for me, and I said I would miss the family gathering and his oldest sister's special cranberry recipe (she and I are the only ones who like it, so it has been a running joke). Then he and the kids left.

So today, I was in my oldest daughter's room, and I saw a Christmas card lying there and picked up the envelope and saw it was addressed to her and my youngest daughter, at our address, from my husband's oldest sister. She sent my kids a Christmas card at my address and didn't include me in who it was addressed to. The kids spend almost half their days at their father's house (her brother) and she could have sent them a Christmas card there. And she never even sends us a card usually anyway, because we always spend Christmas with this sister at her house. She has always given us a card then, with her present for us. So I felt this card sent addressed to my kids at my address was really a slap in the face. She could have sent it to their dad's house, or given it to them personally on Christmas. I feel like she sent that card to them at my house to purposefully exclude me and send a message that she wants nothing to do with me but still loves the kids, etc. It was really, really hurtful. I am so glad now that I did not send cards to her or the other brothers and sisters. I feel like "hey, sunny, it's over, get real!" Whatever was I thinking to want to send cards to them? It's just like with my husband's brother's (ex-)wife. When they split up, the family all sat around trashing her and spewing vitriol. Why did I expect anything different from these people?

My ideal divorce: my husband and all his relatives would disappear off the face of the earth and leave me alone to be a mom to my kids with as little pain as possible.

I'd be kind of glad that your sister-in-law took the "lead" and contacted your kids and I might even send a little note saying the kids enjoyed the card and you're glad she'll be there for them (if you liked that sister-in-law :-) It's unfortunate but you're not going to be there anymore when they're with that family and it's nice that the sister-in-law is "paying attention" to the kids themselves now that they're growing up and are part of this big thing that is hapening in their lives?

But something friendly might elicit something friendly in return and will at least let her know you're "watching" and aware. You and your husband are going through the divorce so carefully but the rest of the family are in the dark as to what it's all about and how it's working and only have their son's/brother's point of view. I'm sure some of the women realize how odd/painful it will be for you (and them) and perhaps agree with you on your brother-in-law's ex-wife's treatment and would love to have an "excuse" to write you without having to "start". They may even think you hate "them" since you are divorcing their brother.

Perna, I appreciate your response even though it is not in synch with where I am at right now. I can tell from your response that you are a kinder and more charitable woman than I am.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Perna said:
I'd be kind of glad that your sister-in-law took the "lead" and contacted your kids

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Not how I feel. She could have just as easily kept in touch with the kids by sending them the card at their dad's house or given them the card in person at her house. The fact that she excluded me from the card and deliberately sent it to my house sends a big message to me. This card was not about keeping in touch with the kids.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I'm sure some of the women realize how odd/painful it will be for you (and them) and perhaps agree with you on your brother-in-law's ex-wife's treatment and would love to have an "excuse" to write you without having to "start".

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">These sisters were very condemning and hateful about the brother-in-law's ex-wife, so I doubt they agree with me about how awful her treatment was. This sister had an easy way to "start" contact with me if that is what she wanted. She could have included my name on the card she sent to my kids. How simple is that?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
I feel she has sent me a message. I got it loud and clear. I will not initiate any contact with these people. I thank the stars now that I did not send them cards.

Ouch. That is a low blow ((((sunrise))))))
If I were you, and this is just my thoughts, I would make an extra effort to be nice to her - or the rest of his family for that matter. If you're nice to her, then you're essentially "rising above" her, and that will probably get more of a rise out of her than if you were to respond in a "negative" way like she has.
Also, the family can't be sitting around talking badly about you if you're being nice to them right? Don't give them the pleasure of that. Stand up to them and show them what a kind person and mother you really are.

I've been off the boards for a bit but, I can't seem to stay away from this thread.

Sunny, my wife and me have been together 35 years this January. In all that time I believe that we have "tolerated" each others families. Neither of us is close to our extended familes. We have our boys and their wives and the grandkids. We all love each other and get along good. I think it is because none of us visit each other often although we live close by. We know that we can depend on each other if we have a problem but, we all have our own lives. There is an old saying "familiarity breeds contempt."

I think my wife and me have been together so long because we have seperated ourselves from others in both families. We are not ignorant to any of them we just know that we can't allow them into our lives in such a way that they are problematic. We won't listen to them cut another family member up and they know it. We will leave. If the mud starts to be slung, we always headed for the door.
Every one of my siblings is divorced. All of my wife's are still with their original mates. I think it is because they have little outside contact with other family members.

It is sad that they will treat you with scorn, after all you are the Mother of the children and should be treated with respect. You gave 20 years to their Son and Brother and he, (your husband), should make it clear that there will be no disrespect toward you in any manner. You will know the measure of the man by how he lets others speak about the Mother of his children.

Good luck to you and best wishes in the future.

Thank you jacq and 50guy.

jacq, I think the take the high road is a good approach, but I am just going to do nothing with regard to the sister. I will never see her again. I just hope the family can refrain from talking s**t about me when my kids are with them this holiday.

My own sister called and I asked her if she were to send a Christmas card to my 2 girls, would she address it to them at my house or their father's house? "Well, your house, of course," she said. She thought it was very strange what my sister-in-law did.

50guy, thanks for your insights. I will never know if my H sticks up for me in front of his family since I won't be there. I do know that last Christmas, when I accompanied him and the girls to his family's holiday gathering, and they all knew the marriage was on the rocks, they were all very nice to me. My H told me later that he instructed them to treat me nicely and with respect. So maybe he is a good guy sometimes. Who knows. Reflecting back, I did not have such a great relationship with any of these people. It is a little like my marriage, I think--I always tried to see the best and make it better in my head than it really was. I need to stop making that mistake.

Farewell to the In-laws.

More on the card situation.

I received a Christmas card yesterday from his parents. It was addressed to both me and the girls. It had a short personal note inside saying how they hoped things were going smoothly, they were thinking of us, and "we love you."

Anyway, I guess some in his family will act one way and some another way. I don't know why I assumed they would all be a certain way, as if they get together and say, "let's all treat sunny this way..." They're all individuals.

My kids just got back from their Christmas visit to the in-law siblings with my H, and they told me about an incident where a couple of the sibs were total jerks to my H--treated him rudely and with disrespect. I know I shouldn't like hearing that story, but it made me feel better to know that sometimes they are just jerks, and it isn't necessarily about me, but just how they are.

Just be true to who you are. You can send cards or do whatever you want to do. You can't control their reactions and what they choose to do is no reflection on who you are.

I may have missed something, but it's possible that your sister in law was trying to respect you. She might have thought that you didn't want to hear from her. If there's a relationship you want to maintain, you could try sending a letter saying that you just can't live with your husband, but you aren't divorcing the family. You hope they know you love them and for the children's sake want to stay connected.

I'm so sorry for your pain. I know how hard it is.

I think I would send a card to the inlaws. meaning his parents. none more I don't think than that. I have a decent relationship with my ex's family. he is gone now but I still love them and they love me too.

I forget how old your girls are but I'd make sure they still wrote thank you notes for any presents they received from their grandparents? You could add a line at the bottom of the youngest's thanking them for their card to you and saying how much it meant to you.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Doh2007 said:
I may have missed something, but it's possible that your sister in law was trying to respect you. She might have thought that you didn't want to hear from her.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Hi Doh2007, yes, the part you missed was that she sent the card to them at my house instead of at their father's house (her brother). There was no need to send it to them at my house. She has their other address. She wanted to show me something by excluding me and sending it to my house so I would be sure to see it. I've asked my own sister, for example, and she said if she wanted to send a card to my kids, of course it would be to my house, not the ex-spouse's. Not sure what that sister in law was thinking, but it doesn't seem respectful to me. I liked what you wrote about the relationships. If I want to maintain them, I need to give a sign to those I'm interested in.

bebop, thank you, I am going to send a card to the in-laws. I have known them for 20+ years now and I do care about them and their lives. I'll probably never see them again since they live so far away, but an annual card to catch up on how they are would be very nice.

There's a little more to this saga--when my H got back from the annual Christmas trip, his parents had included a present for me as well as some home-baked cookies, a tradition with them. I am known to very much like these particular cookies. So I will definitely send a thank you for this and a kind and newsy note. You know, no parent likes to see their child's marriage break up. I am sure they wished it had been happier and lasted forever too.

if I were the sister and wanted to send the kids a card I would send it to their primary house. I am assuming the kids live with your right? at least most of the time?

I am so glad they sent you the gift along with the cookies! sounds yummy!