[Stripey21]

Hello

My husband moved out in the summer. It came as a shock to me which he said surprised him, I must surely have seen it coming? I didn’t. In hindsight, he had become quite distant since March this year. I just assumed it was a phase that’d pass. We had a usual busy family life. This feeling passed when he bought me a beautiful anniversary gift, I thought I’d worried about nothing and all was OK.

He’s living nearby to us in rented accommodation. We have teen children. We’d been together 20 years.

I thought we had a fairly normal marriage (it didn’t seem to me that ours was much different to that of the friends I confide in). I understand that I could and should have made more effort to be close to him. He enjoys outdoor pursuits and had plenty of time away from home to pursue these hobbies throughout our marriage.

Both my parents have passed away. My sister has been very supportive and I have a couple of good friends. But it’s hard to know I suppose unless you’ve experienced it.

My emotions are all over the place still 3 months on from him leaving. I’m on antidepressants and they help. I’m working on finding ways to occupy myself at home. I work full time.

I don’t really know what I’m asking for. Hope, I guess and any advice you may have for me on coping emotionally. I also have a lot of fears around finances (though he’s reassured me we’ll be alright, I don’t know) and the future. I’m 50 and had dreamed of spending old age with him and our children.

One thing I’m noticing at the moment is that I’ve lost my independence. I feel all I want to do is be at home. I dread having to leave the house which is completely out of character for me. I wouldn’t go out unless I had to.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Stripey: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to Psych Central.

Here are links to 9 articles, from Psych Central's archives. The first 5 are on the subject of healing from heartbreak. Then comes a link to an article that suggests a little space & time can help heal a relationship. Next comes a link to an article on mid-life crises. The eighth link is to an article on the subject of discernment counseling. And the ninth link is to an article that talks about how growth can be the unexpected gift of a break-up:

12 Ways to Mend a Broken Heart

5 Healthy Ways to Heal a Broken Heart

10 Tips for Navigating Heartbreak

Recovery from Rejection and Breakups

3 Steps to Stop Taking the Blame for Your Breakup

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-a-...onship-crisis/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/midlife...-and-families/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/when-on...-other-doesnt/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/growth...dium=popular17

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

[Stripey21]

Thank you so very much! I will read them all.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by Stripey21

Hello

My husband moved out in the summer. It came as a shock to me which he said surprised him, I must surely have seen it coming? I didn’t. In hindsight, he had become quite distant since March this year. I just assumed it was a phase that’d pass. We had a usual busy family life. This feeling passed when he bought me a beautiful anniversary gift, I thought I’d worried about nothing and all was OK.

He’s living nearby to us in rented accommodation. We have teen children. We’d been together 20 years.

I thought we had a fairly normal marriage (it didn’t seem to me that ours was much different to that of the friends I confide in). I understand that I could and should have made more effort to be close to him. He enjoys outdoor pursuits and had plenty of time away from home to pursue these hobbies throughout our marriage.

Both my parents have passed away. My sister has been very supportive and I have a couple of good friends. But it’s hard to know I suppose unless you’ve experienced it.

My emotions are all over the place still 3 months on from him leaving. I’m on antidepressants and they help. I’m working on finding ways to occupy myself at home. I work full time.

I don’t really know what I’m asking for. Hope, I guess and any advice you may have for me on coping emotionally. I also have a lot of fears around finances (though he’s reassured me we’ll be alright, I don’t know) and the future. I’m 50 and had dreamed of spending old age with him and our children.

One thing I’m noticing at the moment is that I’ve lost my independence. I feel all I want to do is be at home. I dread having to leave the house which is completely out of character for me. I wouldn’t go out unless I had to.

I'm sorry that you are struggling right now. I'm sorry to hear that your husband left.

[Stripey21]

Thank you Buffy.

[nicoleflynn]

I am so sorry.....You are in shock and grieving; I would see an attorney (even if he hasn't mentioned divorce); to see what you need to know; even tho he has assured you about finances; you didn't see it coming that he left, so I wouldn't trust him about finances; you need to take care of yourself first.....seeing a therapist for support could be very helpful. I got a divorce and am alone at 73; I had hoped for us to grow old together (like you); life has some real shocks and trauma, so we need to do what is best for us. ..it is understandable that you dread leaving the house.

[Stripey21]

Thank you Nicole.

[nicoleflynn]

Hugs and Love!

[Open Eyes]

Have you asked him to sit down and talk to you about what was missing for him where he decided to move out?

Moving out doesn't always mean "end", it can be more of a way to say "you don't seem to feel I am important and I feel lonely in our relationship". Usually in a healthy relationship each person has things they do separately but they connect by having certain things they do together and enjoy doing together that creates a very important sense of "companionship". They stay together because of the companionship they experience, without that a person begins to look elsewhere.

[sarahsweets]

Leaving is very extreme, has he told you why?

[MickeyCheeky]

I think it's important to know the reasons why he decided to leave, @Stripey21! Can you ask him why? Definitely talk to him about ALL of this! You have a right to know! Other than that, please take WONDERFUL care of yourself! It is hard to deal with Separation! I am also TRULY, DEEPLY SORRY for the Loss of your Parents! Please take ALL the time you need to Grieve your Loss! You are going through A LOT right now so please take it easy and be kind to yourself. Take things one step at the time. Whatever you manage to do. Do it at your own time and pace. Please keep writing here. I am sure things will turn out ok. I'd also suggest to start seeing a Therapist to help you cope with ALL of this if you need it, ok? There's ASBSOLUTELY no shame in in asking for help! I PROMISE YOU THAT! THAT'S A PROMISE! YOU CAN REST ASSURED OF ALL OF THAT! YOU CAN COUNT ON ALL OF US! Just keep doing your best like you're already WONDERFULLY doing, ok? Feel free to PM me anytime when you need someone to talk to or vent to! I am SURE plenty of others will be REALLY GLAD and REALLY HAPPY to help you out as well! I PROMISE YOU THAT! THAT'S A PROMISE! YOU CAN REST ASSURED OF ALL OF THAT! YOU CAN COUNT ON ALL OF US! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Stripey21, your Family, your Friends, your Husband, your Children, Your Therapists, your Pdocs, your Doctors, your Social Workers, your Nurses and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?

[Stripey21]

My goodness I am overwhelmed by your lovely replies! THANK YOU!

I tried for weeks to find out why he’d made such an extreme decision, why didn’t he tell me he was considering this? I was given lots of reasons, some of which were very hurtful. I’m not perfect but I didn’t realise I was that awful to live with of that he was that unhappy.

I’ve ceased broaching the subject with him now. I have focused on being strong, calm and patient and looking after our children and myself.

Thank you again for all your warm words. They really mean a lot.

[marriagekeeper]

My wife told me in August that she wanted to leave me. I, too, was shocked. I didn't think things were that bad. However, I'm one of the blessed and fortunate ones and I was able to convince her to give another chance to our 25 year relationship.

Here's what I've learned. If you're just ready to move on with life then skip the following. Regardless, I'm truly sorry this happened to you and I'll send positive feelings in your direction.

• Perception and reality are two very different things. While in my reality I didn't think I did anything to traumatize her, in her perception and her reality I did. Some of the issues she had with me were very hurtful to me. However, that didn't matter because they were important to her. I embraced every one of them.
• We created a shared journal where she wrote her feelings and I wrote mine. Issues and problems were discussed, and discussed very frankly. She already had decided to leave me once. We had nothing to lose with the sharing of brutally honest communication. Amazingly we found that by being brutally honest with each other it afforded us both the chance to repair our relationship because we finally knew what the other person was truly thinking. A lot hurt me. A lot hurt her. But we could finally talk about it.
• Don't give up
• Keep communication going from the second you are told that your spouse wants a separation until some sort of resolution happens
• Don't plead, beg, cry a lot, etc. Be rational.
• Find a person of the opposite sex who can help you better understand points of view
• Make sure to talk to people who are both married and divorced for advice
• Write down your thoughts and share this writing with your spouse and ask them to respond. Then talk about the writings. By writing stuff down it gets you to really think about what you're saying and organize your thoughts, all while making it so you're not reacting in the moment.
• If the only reason you're trying to stay in the relationship is because you can't bear to think about being apart from your spouse, then you need to find more reasons to stay in the relationship. Your spouse will rarely accept that as a reason. In my case, I recognized that I will become a better person now that she's identified some of my character flaws, and that by becoming a better person we'll be able to enjoy our relationship more.
• SEE A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR, BUT MAKE SURE THEY HELP NOT HURT. Our counselor is AWESOME. However, one of the counselors we saw before we picked this one several years ago told my wife and I that I was a jerk and she would be better to leave me. Not all counselors are built the same. You may have to try a few.

[Stripey21]

His reasons for leaving were:

I’m boring and he craves adventure (friends and family say this isn’t true about me. I’ve always been adventurous)

I’m too bad tempered. I work full time, early starts and I admit to getting very tired

I have a good relationship with his family but they say hurtful things to me at times. His mum told me I was fat when I was pregnant,for instance. I tried very hard to not speak to him about these hurtful comments in the end because I knew it was tricky for him (I am married to him after all and not them). So I began to keep them to myself but he cited it as a factor for him leaving.

I don’t think there’s anything else I can do other than make myself into a better, calmer person. I’ve tried talking to him, he’s been pretty clear that this is what he wants. Thank you for all your advise.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by Stripey21

Thank you Buffy.

I know that it hard.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by Stripey21

His reasons for leaving were:

I’m boring and he craves adventure (friends and family say this isn’t true about me. I’ve always been adventurous)

I’m too bad tempered. I work full time, early starts and I admit to getting very tired

I have a good relationship with his family but they say hurtful things to me at times. His mum told me I was fat when I was pregnant,for instance. I tried very hard to not speak to him about these hurtful comments in the end because I knew it was tricky for him (I am married to him after all and not them). So I began to keep them to myself but he cited it as a factor for him leaving.

I don’t think there’s anything else I can do other than make myself into a better, calmer person. I’ve tried talking to him, he’s been pretty clear that this is what he wants. Thank you for all your advise.

I'm sorry that his family is treating you horrible. You don't deserved to be called named and it sounds like he and his family is the problem not you.