[ButterflyProf]

I feel like the biggest chump in the world. After busting my butt to work through 12 (YES TWELVE) affairs (6 emotional, 6 sexual & emotional)...he now wants his freedom. He waited a whopping 36 hours after we got home from dropping our youngest off at college to drop the bomb.

We have been through many separations (some as long as 10 months) due to his infidelity (supposedly sexual additction). I did everything I could to try to keep the marriage in tact...counseling...partner of sex addict groups...everything. All for nothing.

We have been separated for 2 weeks now and I hope to file the papers next week.

I just don't get it! Or maybe I do? His longtime counselor actually fired him two years ago when he had his most recent affair and lied to the group about it extensively. He said he had broken the integrity and trust of the group and until he went to a 30-day intensive sexual addiction treatment...he couldn't even see him as a client anymore. Well...that was that. No more counseling.

His counselor (and mine--they are a husband/wife team) wanted him to be tested for narcissistic personality disorder. They were both convinced (as am I and almost everybody who knows him) that he is a true narcissist.

Yet I still can't believe I am here! I can't believe it hurts so much. I can't believe it is over. I feel so rejected.

I welcome any/all advice. I have been a mess. I am finally in a place where I know it's really over yet I'm terrified.

I know in my head I deserve better but my heart is just broken. I am broken.

[RoxanneToto]

I’m so sorry you’re going through all this, it sounds like hell. I can’t give much advice, but didn’t want to read and run. I do want to say that whether your husband is a narcissist or not, his affairs were not your fault. You were and are good enough, he just wanted more because his bucket has a hole in the bottom, and is thus always empty.
You don’t have to do this, but a lot of people who split from narcissists find going minimal/no contact or at least ‘grey rock’ can help somewhat. I appreciate it’s not always possible, but they are good methods of self preservation when you can employ them.

[guy1111]

I agree woth Roxanne. I am so sorry for all you've been through! It is really hard to break that bond with him, but I suggest you count it as a blessing. You are finally free! I know from experience being married to a cheater as well. It was really hard for me to let go because I am such a fighter and I literally tried everything to salvage the marriage. As suggested above, I waited a year before I started dating again because we think we know what we want but you usually end up gravitating back towards cheaters or similar characters. It's great that you are comfortable with therapy. I suggest you spend at least a year in therapy on your own. Hopefully you have friends you can lean on. I see you are familiar with addiction groups. Keep going if you can, maybe find a new group that he was not connected to. Sadly alot of people end up hooking up in S.A. Such a dark world.
I know the damage that people can cause to your trust. It was really hard for me to trust any new partners. I re-married and it's still my number one struggle. You must be brave!!!

[Open Eyes]

I think that it's important to learn that this challenge is a lack in him and really had nothing to do with your being worth an honest commitment. It's also clear he doesn't want to let go of his addiction problem which is why his therapist stopped working with him and realized it was a waste of time.

It's hard when you love someone and want to figure out how to make the relationship work and the partner can't or doesn't want to change their problem or addictive behavior. Don't beat yourself up, you are hurt and disappointed enough, you need to get help to heal now instead.

[ButterflyProf]

Thanks so much for your helpful replies. I filed the divorce papers yesterday and in my state it will be final in 20 days.