She had an affair?!?!

My wife left for 2-3 days in the beginning which led me to believe she didn’t want me at all, but came home and asked to work it out saying she only left because she was too ashamed to see me or talk to me. Now she claims she wants to grow old together and all of those other sappy things we used to talk about before. The difference is I don’t share her feelings in every way anymore. I don’t believe I will ever fully trust her. I’m disgusted at the thought of intimacy and the very few times we have been together it’s been great for her, but it was all going through the motions and no “happy ending” for me. I have gone from doing that to not doing anything at all because I can’t do it without thinking of what she did and the mental images that accompany those thoughts.

So short answer I should have given: At this point she’s all in, and I have one pinky toe in.

I see, what is keeping that pinky toe in? Maybe whatever is keeping you makes the relationship worth fighting for. But it's definitely not worth it if you're going to be unhappy and don't plan to move past this. I know you have a long difficult road ahead (whether you get a divorce or stay together), so you need to decide which road leads to a happier ending for both of you.

Being single is better than being in a bad relationship. On the other hand, if you can forgive her and fully move on maybe you should.

The toe is in because I am afraid. I’ve been with her and only her since 16. Im 42 with no experience outside of her and also now that I am partially paralyzed after my injury, I don’t think anyone else will want me. Bad reasons I know, but I am scared I will regret not trying longer if I become an older man who’s always alone/lonely. I am sure people think I’m stupid either way. Either why would I stay with a cheater or because I stay with one I don’t really wanna be with.

That makes sense. I think fear is also why I am afraid. Currently, I'm in the actual divorcing part, and I can say that this part is even worse than not knowing what the future will be like. Because in your phase there's still hope. But based on everyone who I have spoken with (various ages) they all have said in unison that it gets better with time and that being single is better than being in a bad relationship. I am sure you'll figure out what's best for you.

I think I saw you say you were in your late 20’s? You will bounce back, you are young and have a ton of living to do. Try being a 42 year old whos been with one woman and can’t walk currently due to partial paralysis!! Wanna switch? Lol j/k.

I wouldn't rush to divorce. I've been married for close to 40 years and we had our big separation, saw other people, etc. Once we went through all that we became best friends and at this point, we really rely on each other for both emotional and practical reasons. I've seen sooo many people rush to divorce and deeply regret it years later.

Separation isn’t a bad idea. My ex and I were separated for a year before we decided that divorce is the way to go. I’d only want immediate divorce if there is abuse

You're funny lol. Yeah I know it can always be worse, people keep telling me this but for some reason, it doesn't make the situation feel any better lol. I know it's not the end, but it sure feels like it's the end for me. I also wasn't the one who initiated the divorce nor do I fully understand why we are getting a divorce. So I am left with a lot of questions and confusion. He's pretty much completely ignoring me at this point. Which makes it even harder. I feel like if I at least had some definite reason I can move on a little faster.

Sounds like he doesn't know how to articulate what is bothering him. Sounds like he is a bit immature when it comes to communicating.

Yes, I think he does have terrible communication. It was a repeating issue in our relationship, and now it's making the divorce even worse. But I have tried writing a letter, meeting up, and texting, and it's radio silence from him. I have no idea what's going through his head.

Omg I am sorry, it appears that people are discussing two completely different situations on this thread and I responded thinking I am on a different thread. When I mentioned separation and used my own divorce as an example, I thought I was on ilocecats thread. Ugh. My response makes no sense. Sorry AZDad, hang in there

I am sorry AZ, when it comes to marriage challenges, an affair is up there as very hard to recover from. ((( hugs))).

Hey, I advise you to deal with all these by using professional help of a councelor

Hey AZ Dad! I’m sorry you are going through this. It’s just not fair. I know exactly how you feel. My wife left me a little over a year ago. Although there was no infidelity involved in our marriage, our relationship started to deteriorate about a couple of years earlier when I lost my job. I do however think I understand intimately how you feel about trust being broken. In my mind fidelity is more than just not sleeping around. It’s also about staying. Leaving is as much a transgression to fidelity in my view.

Even though we were in a bad place in our marriage I was hanging on to the hope that we would soldier through this bad time and that if we were resilient we would find a place where we could see past the frustrations we inflicted on each other and thrive again.

Unfortunately it did not happen. She is the second woman to walk out from a marriage with me. And both hurt as hell. The second time was much more damaging though. We were married for 11 years and have 3 beautiful children. I don’t believe in divorce and would never initiate it. No matter how bad things can get. I think I was a much better person with her even if we were in a downturn that I am alone.

Her walking out from me shook me to my core. It really destroyed my self of sense of self. I know exactly what you mean about not wanting to be here anymore. I have pondered this question endlessly for a long time.

A couple of weeks after my wife left me, my best friend, who has been my closest family ever since we were 6, insulted me challenged me to end my life and of course left me.

So I pretty much felt like going through two divorces at the same time.

No I feel absolutely worthless, and feel that all that has happened is clearly my fault. I am a horrible person. I can’t come even to think that any woman would ever come to love me. After all two women have clearly found out that I’m insufferable. All this horrible pain, confusion, insecurity and bitterness feels like penance for my many faults.

I’m hanging on to my kids and work as a source of validation and meaning. Work is a very poor substitute though. However bad it gets hang in there, your children deserve you.

I am sorry you have had to go through your own version of this not just once but twice! I too have never believed in divorce, except the biblical view which it’s ok when there has been infidelity. Also you cannot control the other person, so if they go through with it there is not much you can do.

I have always had the soldier on mentality as well. I mean there will always be disagreements even full on arguments, but that doesn’t mean fall out of love and quit. I was definitely a better person because of my wife, but this is a transgression I just cannot get past. I know I’ll never fully trust her, and now I attach her to the deepest pain I have ever felt, and that’s not a small thing for me to say. I’ve gone through losing my lower half to paralyzation, mother lied to me about who my dad is (she has no idea), my little brother dying, and many other heartbreaking things.

I too felt the being shook to my core. She swears it has nothing to do with me, my looks, intimacy, nothing... That just doesn’t compute for me. There had to be a reason linked to me in some way that would cause her to go be with another man. A man she didn’t know anywhere but from meeting him online. So much horrible details have surfaced about him and the kind of man he is too. He’s a nasty pervert.

My kids is the absolute only reason I haven’t ended it all. I can’t imagine leaving them feeling like they weren’t enough of a reason to go on. To be honest though, I have asked myself honestly are they? They are and would no question be if they weren’t all pretty much adults. They have already moved on and have their own lives. I have 1 non adult child left and that one is 17 in a matter of days. Soon I will have nobody...

AZ, I am sorry that you continue to feel all this pain. What stood out to me in what you just shared about your father and your younger brother is not anything done to you personally, but instead has caused you to feel a loss. Your mother did not intentionally do this to you, she was most likely exploring sexually 42 years ago, maybe drank too much and ended up getting pregnant and did not know who the father was and was too embarassed about that. Yet, she chose to go ahead and have you instead of terminate the pregnancy. There are ways now that you can learn who your father is by genetics.

Losing a sibling can be up there when it comes to trauma, but this is loss and not something you could have controlled or done to you to hurt you personally. However, with these life experiences you felt alone with how it affected you emotionally. It's as though no one cared about how YOU felt when things happened. This can cause someone to need more to feel a sense of purpose. It can cause someone to think that how they feel has no value. It's unfortunate, but that actually happens a lot in humanity. It's what can lead to someone becoming very vulnerable to being tricked and even spending money on fortune tellers. It can lead to all kinds of predatory tricks with some promise of seeing you in a SPECIAL way. Fortunes have been made on human misery.

Guess what, your wife is no exception to being vulnerable. While you feel she did this to you, that she failed you? Truth is she failed herself because she fell for someone's BS that has proven to work on individuals that are vulnerable. These perverts can get very good at drawing vulnerable people under their control. Your wife's biggest failure was that she was vulnerable. And 42 years ago your mother was naive and vulnerable and she did not tell you because she was ashamed and did not want you to know. Neither your wife or your mother can change what happened, all they can do is admit they made a mistake.

Trusting is always a challenge and a gamble. I think you are questioning your own value in this overall picture too. Our children do get to a point that they go off and live their own lives, and it's a good thing when they do that, you don't want them home and dependent do you? If they are trying to live their lives, it doesn't mean they stop caring you know. People often don't know your deep hurts, but they can feel their own hurts and inadequacies. It's part of being human, none of us are perfect.

You may benefit by doing one of those geneology searches. You probably have relatives you don't even know about. And your father may have never even known about you either, he probably didn't.

There is a lot of wisdom in you words. I absolutely do feel like nobody cares about me or what I feel. My childhood is much more screwed up than I have shared and my mother was definitely not just a once and a while screw up. She exposed me to people and situations where sex, drugs, alcohol and many forms of abuse ensued. I think I put far too much faith and hope in my spouse. Like we were the only ones with each other. I thought I could trust her and. Ever have to worry about her hurting me. I was wrong.

She may have been vulnerable to the pervert, but honestly I’m mad she was foolish enough to go to such a crap chat site where when I checked it out was obviously for the purpose of role playing sex fantasies and hook ups. Not much needed to see and understand what the site was for.

It’s just a lot. I used to have a best friend and now I have nobody. It’s just me and yeah God, but He doesn’t exactly hang out like a human. Guidance and direction maybe but not laughs and good times. Thank you for your words

I did Ancestry and 23 and me. Neither of those found any matches. Also my mother says she doesn’t even know who it could be. I grew up being told it was this Bob guy, but when I did dna tests for him it was not a match from two separate places.

I know exactly what you mean. Once trust is broken at such a deep level it is a thing that can’t be put back together.

From the little you just shared here, it's understandable how you actually feel traumatized by what your wife got involved with. What you are battling is how you don't want to "feel" the discomfort you experienced in what you shared here and what you experienced with your wife. Also, let's face it, being in a wheelchair just brings out another feeling of helplessness. So you definitely have some challenges to work through.

It's important to be patient with this and while you experience different emotional challenges, commit to acknowledging them, but, not act on them and that can be hard. You have pointed out some important things that are important to pay attention to so you keep on track with working through this challenge and emotional challenges that come with it. Also, it IS important to remember that your wife regrets her choice and has admitted it was wrong and is trying to restore the relationship. We cannot change our mistakes, all we can do is learn from them and do our best to work on restoration of our lives. When I say that please know I am in no way saying that is easy, I know first hand it's a challenge. The more we live life, the more we will witness how people can make stupid mistakes. And YES decisions always have consequences and all events change our perception of life and our own sense of self. This is what happens all our lives AZ.

I myself experienced a sudden traumatic situation that affected me so badly that I developed PTSD. I never imagined having to struggle with this challenge or what it would mean and how it would affect me the way it has. And everyone I have met that developed it has said the very same thing, "why can't I just like I used to". And a lot depends on the person's history and how much trauma they experienced too. Some recover better than others, it's all depends on WHAT caused the condition to develop. Like you, I too have powered through a lot of challenges in my life, literally going all the way back through my childhood. I have listened to others share and say the same things. I learned that I actually was very resiliant, however, all my history predisposed me where if something traumatic enough happened I was susceptible to developing ptsd.

I sure have to figure out a lot of things and I have also had to see how all these things contributed to who I am as a person and to also understand myself in a different way too. Yet, this is what living life is about in general, we are always continuing to change and learn and we never really get to a place where we can say "I am certain" and finally have all the answers. The best we can do is accept that we simply do not have all the answers and life will always present us with challenges.