Recently separated from fiance of 8 years, need help determining his sincerity??

I moved out of the home that I lived in with my fiancé (who I have been with for 8 years and have 2 daughters (5 and 2) and he has a 14 year old son 2 weeks ago.

We have been having a lot of problems in our relationship, I felt like when I became pregnant with our oldest he became more distant, would always sleep on the couch and spend lots of time in the basement while I stayed upstairs and did my own thing. When I had her, he would rarely rock her to sleep or anything (Even though he has trouble falling asleep until 3-4 in the morning every night). I did breastfeed exclusively but I still wished he would help me out with her more. I felt really alone from that point, like he didn’t want to be around me. We aren’t very affectionate to each other even though it is my love language and I’ve said that to him lots. I would try to hug and kiss him randomly lots, but felt like his hugs weren’t very warm, or like he wouldn’t fully hug me. Only being touchy if he knew it would lead to something..

He would call me a b—or c--- or tell me to go f—myself during arguments (or eat sh—and die) you get the picture. He is so harsh with his words. He is always angry and I felt like it’s been years of being with someone who can’t possibly love me. Don’t get me wrong, there have been some good days but they are so few – like maybe 1-2 days a week where it seems like he’s happy the whole day. He never gets enough sleep or his back hurts, or he slept weird or his stomach hurts. He has pain from a back injury in 2010 which he is on painkillers for.

He smokes weed everyday, all day. All of our clothes and jackets smell like it so the first thing I did when we moved out was wash it all. And I was so embarrassed because I didn't realize it having lived there, he smokes outside but grows (legally) in the basement..

He hasn’t worked in 2 years (this coming January) and it’s been long stretches of unemployment between short periods of working (3 months - 1 year) the whole time we’ve been together. I put our youngest in daycare 2x a week while our oldest is in kindergarten to give him a break. In 2019, I paid for both girls to be in daycare 3x week so he could have a break. He was always angry and derpesssed and saying he didn’t have time for hobbies, friends, etc. or have a life and that he sacrificed everything. (what about me? I work full time and come straight home. I have 0 breaks unless my parents babysit)

When he realized I was serious, about leaving (I told him I need some space but didn’t say I was done for good and still haven’t said that), he called and cried on the phone saying “you can’t even talk to me face to face after all these years?” so I tried talking to him and he was shaking he was so nervous and said he is going to apply for jobs, he found the WCB paperwork to prove his back injury, he cut his baby plants he was growing, and he was going to get help. He said he realized he's been so angry and resentful but it's to himself not me and he's sorry. I told him I didn’t know what to do because I’ve tried expressing my concerns for years now and nothing has changed and I don’t want to live like this for the rest of my life.

He has taken the girls for a few hours once and also for a sleepover (where he brought them back early the next day because he said he woke up at 3:30am and couldn’t get back to sleep so he was tired and needed to get some rest). He was angry saying the youngest was going to make him lose his patience so that’s why he brought them home early.

I have had the girls put in full time daycare since we moved into my parents house and have been with them every single night and bringing them to daycare all on my own for the last 2 weeks. He has reached out a couple of times. When he took them for the night he brought me a bottle of wine and told me I could relax for the night. That was one nice gesture he did for me since we moved out. Now he keeps saying that I’m stringing him along and I should just tell him it’s over if it is, and saying that everything I’m saying makes it sound like I’m done with him. I have told him we need space to work on ourselves but I don’t know if I want this to be done for good. Now he tells me I should update our address so I don’t get stuff sent there when I’m not living there. It almost seems like he’s trying to help me out the door and rush it, but then he says stuff like “we’re his life” and he loves me and is so stressed out and anxious since we left.

I guess I’m just wondering if these are empty words.. I mean how would I know if he’s going to change? Am I doing the right thing? I don’t even trust my own judgment… Everytime we fought in the past, like when I would have jealous/insecure outbursts at a party, and I'd go home to my parents after us fighting all night, I would apologize and go running back. Sometimes I feel like I might have been reading situations accurately, like he was toying with my emotions, but no matter what any fight we had, I would go running back, without him really doing any of the work. I've always felt like I've loved him way more than he ever loved me.

I do not want to continue our lives like this... what should I do??

Changing is definitely hard and it doesn't happen from day to night so if you do decide to stay with him Please just be aware that it will be a LONG process (may be longer or shorter depending on how serious he is, assuming he is serious). Unfortunately i can't tell you for sure whether or not he wants to change but i'd suggest to focus on how much of his behavior he seems willing to change and if he wants to potentially see a couple counsellor. SEnding many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @delicatedoll, your Family, your FriEnds and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!