Preparing for divorce while living with depression and anxiety

I'm glad to have found this space. What brought me here is my desire to end my marriage and need for support and feedback. I have depression and anxiety, which adds to my turmoil.

I've been with my husband for 26 years - half my life. When we got into a relationship, we were both immature, and being with him suited me because I was bored, lonely, and terrified of emotional intimacy. He was so not husband material that the relationship felt emotionally "safe." (Yeah...joke's on me!) I broke up with him a couple of times in the first few years, but it didn't stick. We moved in together and after 5 years, found out I was pregnant.

Our daughter was 2 months old when my husband was first abusive. Over the relationship he has been "mildly" physically abusive 3-4 times - the majority has been verbal abuse. We got married in our living room by a justice of the peace when my daughter was 2 solely because it was the only way my husband could stay on my health insurance (he was self-employed at the time). We bought a house, had another child. Lots of fighting.

Finally, 13 years ago, I told him that I'd never been in love with him. Still, we stayed married. I've wanted to divorce but I always had some excuse - it's bad for the kids, we don't have any money, I don't want to be alone, it's expensive, etc. He's from the UK and tries to manipulate me by saying if we got divorced, he'd go back there and wouldn't be able to pay for anything for the kids. The relationship was already dead to me when he then got laid off and didn't work for 7 years!! It was during that period that I first consulted a lawyer, who slapped me with the reality that if we divorced, I would have to pay my husband alimony! Hell no.

In the fall of 2019. I met with several different lawyers about divorce. The cost is scary because we've never had much money. I started getting my "ducks in a row" and thinking of when to tell him and the kids that I want a divorce. I decided to do so when my daughter came home for spring break - March 2020. My husband brought her home from college; that same day, our state went into "lockdown" and the lovely pandemic that we're in began.

I tried to, once again, stick it out because of the economic uncertainty and emotional upheaval already present with pandemic living. But I want out of my marriage. I'm done. I know things are going to be hard and suck when I put this divorce into motion, but the thought of spending more years with my husband makes me want to get in the car and drive away as fast as I can. I don't like him being physically affectionate and the thought of it soon being just the two of us distresses me. (Our kids are 21 and 17; both have been home the past year doing remote learning.) I don't know when to say it to him - I'm afraid of how he could make my life hell.

Feedback? Advice? Thanks

I am sorry. It can’t be easy. Honestly abuse is good enough reason to end everything the first time it happens as abuse always escalates. If you are afraid of his reaction to your announcement, I recommend you get your ducks in a row first and don’t announce too early. Prepare yourself first

How does someone not work for 7 years. Wow. Must be nice. It’s quite mind boggling how on Earth some people live like this. Not only they depend on others but don’t they know if they don’t work and don’t pay income tax, they’d have no social security? Let alone retirement savings? Who does he expect will feed him when he is old? You? Kids? Government? We, working taxpayers, will pay for him through welfare system? Unbelievable

I reread your post, if you are afraid to say it to him, file for divorce first, make plans re living arrangements etc I normally don’t advice to just go for it BUT if you are afraid, your safety comes first

I understand not wanting to divorce with kids in tow. But sadly kids growing up witnessing this will make the same choices: bad partners, bad marriages or perhaps no ability to find healthy partners at all. It’s just how it works. They learn from what they see. And if that’s what they see, that’s the kind of life they’ll know. It’s not too late now. He obviously is and will be their father and hopefully he’ll be a decent dad regardless but you aren’t obligated to endure abuse

I don't know as there is much of anything in the way of advice I would be able to offer. However you mentioned your husband has been abusive. So I wondered if you are familiar with the National Domestic Abuse Hotline. That might be a place to get some solid advice at least regarding the abuse aspects of your marriage. Here's a link to the Hotline's website just in case you're not familiar with it:

Domestic Violence Support | The National Domestic Violence Hotline

I see you list yourself as being in Massachusetts. So I wondered, depending on where you're located in the state, if there might be a women's advocacy organization you might contact. Here's a link to the South Shore Resource and Advocacy Center's website. If they can't be of assistance themselves perhaps they may know of some other resources that would be beneficial. It would be helpful, I would think, if you could find some other women who have gone through what you're facing & can offer some specific advice:

http://www.ssrac.org/

From what you wrote, it sounds as though you have ample reason to want to leave this relationship. The important thing it seems to me is, as divine1966 wrote, to "get your ducks in a row first". My best wishes to you...

divine1966, thanks for your response. I appreciate you taking the time to read and reflect on what I wrote.

Skeezyks, thank you for your response. I appreciate the resources!

Sorry for your life situation, hope you get well soon and live happy life with a worthy man

Thanks, Damiannt - I hope so too.

So Sorry about what is happening. If you haven't done it already definitely propose Marriage Counseling. Otherwise i am not sure. i Hope and Pray things will turn out well for both of you. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @WriterChick69, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

Thanks, MickeyCheeky! There were 2 attempts at marriage counseling. The first time I was not in a good place emotionally and my husband turned the charm on, so counselor suggested after 1 or 2 sessions that I needed to work on myself first. A couple of years ago I made an appointment for a counseling session and my husband didn't show up.

Marriage counselling isn’t recommended when there’s abuse; individual counselling is what you should have, if you still want therapy of some kind. I’d also recommend Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft, if you haven’t already read it. I’m sorry I don’t have much else in the way of advice, but I really hope things work out for you in the future.

Thank you RoxanneToto - that's good to know.