[Azzurrella]

Hi to everybody!
I’ve recently(2 months ago) signed my divorce. My ex didn’t came arbthe Court, there was another lawer insted of him, saying he was outside for job. I met him in the same afternoon, in my town, with her fiancée (a commom friend, a friend of mine, who was completely alone and that I had welcome in my life, that’s the story). So, the matter is not that, I’m not still fallen in love with him, I hope to never see him again on my way but...
How long does it take to recover? To forget maybe, to not to be still in anger, to not hate anyone.
To regain hope in the future.
It will be possible? I’m asking myself if I will have a future in spite of them, if I will have again something in my life.
I find no way to exit from this dark way, I can’t imagine an happy future. I see myself alone time after time.

Will it end this terrible time?

Hi. I cannot tell you how long it will take because each situation is individual, but what I can advise is that you do anything and everything in life that makes you happiest. Get out and be with friends, get into your hobbies and interests and pursue fun activities, or anything that brings enjoyment and joy for you. That will help you immensely. It does take time to get over a heartache and a loss, but when you're out enjoying life, it lessens the pain of that loss. It always helps me personally to think of all the negatives about that person, the reasons why we broke up and to know that there is a far better match out there for you. Then you begin to date again, you meet new people and develop an interest in someone, and suddenly you realize that you're finally over your ex.

[Azzurrella]

So, I do everything I can not to stay closed in myself thinking and thinking. But there are some problems they will not solve in a moment....as:
- today I have not a home of mine; I'm living with my parents, it is 6 months, waiting for my home to be ready;
- I moved from a big town to a small one, because of economic issues. Here it is not so easy to have new friends and to date new people. Not so easy.
- my old friends, they have families and babies, and they are not so free to stay with me.
- I'm really busy with my job.

But...I will recover, maybe.
But I'm divided, as if there coud be 2 me.
One trying to swim and swim and swim, always smiling and fair with everyone, but grasping to not go down under the water, and die.
And another one that looks at me in a few years old and alone, with a cat and anything else. My life spent without significance.

I don't know, I feel like a crazy fly when cold start, they go around and around and they die, finally.

[healingme4me]

2 months from signing the divorce papers is very fresh. There is no set timeline, but at 2 months, it stands to reason it's not now nor tomorrow for being recovered from the grief. Time is time. How long were you married? Did you have children together? Who initiated the divorce?

Be gentle with yourself. One day, one step at a time.

[MickeyCheeky]

((((Azzurella)))) I'm sorry you're struggling. It will certainly take time, but I do believe you can get over it. Just try to move on with your life and you'll forget him eventually. You can do this!

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It does take time to get over the loss of a relationship. Joining new groups, making new friends, finding new hobbies... these are all things I think could help you. Look at all the new things in your life... new possibilities... so that you can leave the old things in the past.

[katydid777]

I also don't know how long your divorce will take. It will take you some time to be ok about your divorce, and it will take time to date again. The hardest part of it all is waiting. Don't rush into another relationship, bc as a rule they don't work out!!!

[Azzurrella]

@healingme4me

Two months from signing divorce, one year ago my dear h. was subsituted by a monster I never knew; then there were months of fighting, he used the worst words and actions I could ever imagine.
“Tu quoque Bruto?” So, the worst betrayal was from the person who promised to take care of me. For these and other reasons, I don’t miss him. He was the one who could destroy my life, and he tried to do. I don’t miss him.
The problems are grief for general betrayal (not only cheating), the anger, the lost future, as I tried to build it. Everything will be different, don’t know if better, I hope really not worse.
I know it will take time to heal. I don’t know how long.
We were together from about 15 years. No child. He started everything, separation and divorae.
I’ve been like a rock in the sea. Never moving, never crying, never screaming.

[healingme4me]

I'm sure it's a fallacy but when I was younger I once heard that it could take about half the time of the relationship to recover from heartbreak. Maybe it was just advice to remind not to rush into anything after? I haven't really tried to test such a theory but I have learned giving time to grieve matters.

It's ok to cry, laugh, scream.

[Azzurrella]

Half of more than 15 years are 8 years....

What you do is rebuild yourself and your own dreams again..... step by step, inch by inch, and when you're ready. Your future fell apart with a man who tried to destroy you. I am glad you are out of that relationship! Now it's time to focus on you, what you want and what you need in life to be happy. If you're living with your parents, then a good goal would be to save enough money to be living on your own again. Step by step...

[Azzurrella]

True.
It’s better to avoid bad people. This is a gift they gave to me. Before, it was likely I would have not be happy, with them.
Now I could have this possibility.

Originally Posted by Azzurrella

True.
It’s better to avoid bad people. This is a gift they gave to me. Before, it was likely I would have not be happy, with them.
Now I could have this possibility.

That's a great way to view it!!!! It IS a gift. The gift of freedom and the gift of happiness in life.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by Azzurrella

Half of more than 15 years are 8 years....

:\ That's why I say it's perhaps a fallacy and I've never truly tested the theory. It does give pause to the concept of giving yourself time to reclaim yourself. I'm one to have given myself the first year as a grieving period.

[Azzurrella]

I’m not looking for another relationship now. I’ve dated a guy I knew, but we were talking of “fried air”. He was frightend by my past, frightened to be inferior to my ex, and also not so fair. Sincerely I’m tired of thiking how great I must be, for people who don’t give anything.
So be myself and greetings to all. I will recover. I will have a future. I will have a beautiful life. Me and my future cat😉.

[nativeAmerican]

Originally Posted by Azzurrella

I’m not looking for another relationship now. I’ve dated a guy I knew, but we were talking of “fried air”. He was frightend by my past, frightened to be inferior to my ex, and also not so fair. Sincerely I’m tired of thiking how great I must be, for people who don’t give anything.
So be myself and greetings to all. I will recover. I will have a future. I will have a beautiful life. Me and my future cat😉.

You are incredibly young Azzurrella! And what if you were 95 years old! There will be plenty of dating if you want, plenty of good friends if you want, a warm cozy home, but you need to give yourself plenty of time to heal, there are no miracle remedies, it's going to be painful at times, so make sure you look after yourself and do whatever it takes to be fine, healthy, in the path to recovery and happiness. Sorround yourself with the right people, explain your pain as many times as you need, don't be afraid to seek help if needed, either from friends, family, therapists.

[s4ndm4n2006]

it's a slow process and something that you cannot rush. Thing is to work on focusing on yourself, good things in your life even when it doesn't seem like there's much, work on it. I have been through being left by a spouse and for me it was a full year to feel ok-ish and longer to find my footing and independence. although it was very painful I can say without question that it does pass eventually and there can be good things ahead but you gotta believe in that and claim it for yourself.

[Azzurrella]

So 1 year passed, and I have not found yet anything to make me happy, or a destination. My GPS is ko, I don’t know where to go. One year passed from listening that my marriage was ended, in a butterfly flap we closed everything, just to end 2 moths ago with divorce. I live it as a personal failure, the biggest failure in my imperfect life, while I feel envy for him, who has everything. I was thrown in the trash. Ok, in happens. Hope to forget.

[s4ndm4n2006]

First thing I would say to your last response is that it is not necessarily a personal failure on your part. There are a lot of factors involved in making a relationship work and you are not entirely responsible for everything going right or wrong. if a relationship fails there are two people to blame and even if you think you failed in some things you must stop carrying the entire weight of the breakup on your shoulders.

[MickeyCheeky]

((((Azzurella))))

[Azzurrella]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

it's a slow process and something that you cannot rush. Thing is to work on focusing on yourself, good things in your life even when it doesn't seem like there's much, work on it. I have been through being left by a spouse and for me it was a full year to feel ok-ish and longer to find my footing and independence. although it was very painful I can say without question that it does pass eventually and there can be good things ahead but you gotta believe in that and claim it for yourself.

Thank you for your message. I think that, I thought that, if there is a problem, if there are many problems, adult people can speak together and trying to solve them. In my case the solution has been, I repeat, to throw me in the trash, saying less ore more “if you now create problems to me and to my new relationship [with a liar and betrayer, our friend) I will ruin you and your life”.
I cannot believe it even now, I cannot believe as a person could be bad. How my husband, that I knew since we were very young, has grown up with such a rage. It has been a horror movie. But...
I’m learning there are so many people in that way, I’m really sorry. I wonder how they could be happy in their life.
Now I’m not very happy, because I would like to spend my time with someone, to do everything beautiful with someone, and I do not. But in the future...
I’m not changed. I don’t feel anger towards people and men, I’m generous as I was before, I’ve patience, I love others.
Only I’ve to remove the envy. It’s sad, but they have a lot of possibilities and they are a couple...instead I’m alone and with some issues. It’s not fair, but I feel envy for them, even if I’m thinking that I’ll never desire such people in my life, on my way. I feel also anger towards them.
Please give me some suggestions to heal from envy and anger.

[s4ndm4n2006]

I cannot emphasize enough to focus on you, your needs, your values and your newfound freedom. I know looking at this as if it's freedom is a stretch in the beginning but let's face it, you can either dwell on the idea that you believe something is missing or you can acknowledge even if that's the case you choose to focus on what you've gained in all of this. You have a chance here to find yourself without interruption and interference of a spouse or significant other and at the moment you do not have to share time or your energy. Even though that is not what you want ultimately it's good to see the silver lining in everything we have.

Also stop focusing on others and what they have, what they are, where they have been in comparison to yourself and how you lack whatever it is that you focus on. This only serves to make you feel less than they are and it feeds the jealousy, feelings of inadequacy and ultimately, depression. It will take work to shift your thinking of course and it's not a flat path, but at first an uphill battle but it is one that is not insurmountable. Besides once you are successful in finding yourself, trust me, all that other stuff really pales in comparison.

[Azzurrella]

Thank you s4ndm4n2006, your words are wise. I’ll try. Every day.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by Azzurrella

Thank you s4ndm4n2006, your words are wise. I’ll try. Every day.

Yw. I don't know if wise but keep on going. if you have to keep coming here to ask or share stuff then do so. this place was a great help back when I went through what I did!

[Azzurrella]

Yesterday I talked with a great friend. She told me to think to the mud I’ve been in the last 12 months, and if I really could accept in my life a person for whom it would be better if I died, if I would love a person who hurt me in a such way (so much and so badly).
I wonder if I will pass my life thinking about it, and wondering how was it possible he hated me so much. There are no answers, I’m sorry.
And it is easy to say that only with my will I’ll go pass this struggle. It’s only my will, easy to say. I have the will, but not the force.
I feel as I was looking my home burning. Yes, it happened, but I can’t believe, I can’t realize. I’m feeling like I’m looking to my life as through an open window, from the outside.
I think I’d like only to sleep and forget.
I’ve always been so strong. Now I’m weak and I’m going to be ill.