Feeling alone

This is nothing you can fix, believe me. There will be times she will be confused partly in the past and feeling powerless. What you shared of what she went through is horrific. Her boundaries are going to be extremely sensitive. Because you are in her environment you will witness some confused states in her.

I have ptsd myself and found it very confusing. I had to be very patient with myself. I would get triggered and would have no idea what triggered me to have a crippling day.

Do you see a therapist for yourself?

They are extremely sensitive and yes I have experienced many confused states in her when she is struggling. It's terrible to see someone you love in pain. I feel so bad for her when she is struggling. Of late though when she struggles she becomes angry very easily and raises her voice often. I don't think she would ever be physically violent but there is anger in her voice that rises up very suddenly , especially after a drink or two.

As for me and therapy, I started to talk to one of my own a few years ago when she and I almost divorced previously, changed about a year ago due to my previous one retiring . It helps

Yes, a lot of anger surfaces when ptsd trauma is coming to the surface. Let’s think about what you shared about her history where she was repeatedly abused. A child has no power or life experience to self protect or escape. Instead they tend to shut down and dissociate so they can survive. The brain does store our experiences and often lets us remember once we have enough life skills and language ability to process. Her adult mind will be very angry that her child self had to endure so much.

Unfortunately, alcohol takes away ones normal filter that controls awareness of behavior. So in essence it magnifies and only makes ptsd worse. People do not feel refreshed or restored afterwards, instead they feel tired and depressed. Alcohol does nothing to heal the brain, instead it changes the brain in unhealthy ways.

Part of her desire to change comes from a much deeper level of unrest that she wants to escape.

My own trauma was witnessing abuse and being powerless to stop it. For me this started at a very young age.

I have personally experienced the anger you describe. It has to come out, it’s part of the healing. I know for you it’s hard to witness. It’s not your fault or hers, she isn’t choosing this, it’s intrusive. It requires a great deal of patience.

I hear you about patience and I try every day and usually succeed.

It would be a lot easier without threats of ending what I have focused my adult life on ...our marriage and loving my wife .
The fear of it ending is overpowering to me and crushes my self esteem and confidence which only makes me more willing to accept fault.

It's tough being told what you're doing wrong on a regular basis by someone who escapes through alcohol instead of focusing on her stuff and her marriage or how much this is damaging me and how it effects our son . I know I have been damaged by this , I'm learning it through my therapy.

I have given so much for her over the years, sacrificed so much and stood by her side when I know many would not have . I don't want a medal for it , I just wish I could get some understanding/tolerance like she expects of me . It seems like a 1 way street when it comes to that .

I know she doesn't mean to hurt me . I am absorbing a lot and struggling not to believe that it is all me causing this .

Deep down inside when I think about it I know it's not me causing the majority of this. In the moment however it's all to easy to accept blame because if it is my fault then I can fix it in my fixer mentality.

I love her so very much, I know she is damaged and I should be able to realize that it's not all me . She means everything to me so I guess all I can do is keep swimming and hope that we come out of this whole and together. It just hurts so badly right now.

Tonight was tough...Perhaps just a bad day but I don't know.

I got home and she was 4 drinks in and continued as the evening went on . She just kept saying hurtful thing after hurtful thing . I suggested to her how cruel she is being and critical she is being of me and she responds with " I hate myself because I have become you " Yet meanwhile I'm staying calm albeit heartbroken and sad and just letting her know she is hurting me , nothing more . She uses phrases like "I'm just being brutally honest" while she's 4 drinks in.... altered perception much ? She sees everything as an attack and blames me for stuff I am not even doing or brings up stuff from years ago that was already settled ??? If it's not that it's "it feels to me like" insert inaccurate assumption about hubby here. Her perception is not always reality.

She talks more at the moment about whether or not ill look for someone else before the papers are finalized IF that's (divorce) what we end up doing in 2 months then she does about saving the marriage .
As if that piece of paper saying divorced means anything if she wants me out of her life ... I'm not saying I'd be looking right away as I want to save this marriage but if she want to evict me from her life and her mind is made up, I should have to suffer longer till she has her paper ?? Plenty of talk about how she has to decide if it's worth the risk to try again for us or how she can't decide if it's too late already.

My best friend of 33 years is telling me to bail and how I'm getting taken advantage of but I feel like I'd be bailing on what I want most If I did that, The woman I love who is sick...what about "in sickness and in health" Even a slim chance is better then giving up isnt it ?

I’m so sorry @sadmanagain Drinking is so bad when struggling with ptsd a lot of anger can come out.

What is sad about it is that when someone is traumatized they are powerless to stop whatever the trauma is. When the person develops ptsd again they are powerless because of how intrusive these waves of emotions and memories surface even when the person suffering doesn’t want to experience it.

Part of her anger towards you is her feeling that she can’t have a normal relationship with you. Truth is anything can trigger her into flashbacks.

There is nothing you can do to stop an episode or fix her. It’s hard to see this happen to someone you love.

When people say “That happened years ago” there is no years ago with ptsd it doesn’t care, it just takes over the now like it’s happening now. It’s beast that lives within.

I say it happened years ago because much of the stuff she is angry at me about is stuff from over 10 years ago that we already worked through and talked about almost as many years ago. Stuff that I heard her on and have never repeated. .
Whether she can realize that doesn't change the fact she is beating the hell out of me verbally and it's really hurting me and I am becoming the victim of trauma now.

I love her so much what the hell do I do ??

Accept that you can love someone who cannot love you back the way you deserve. I believe you! I believe she can get shockingly angry and cruel that gets worse with every glass of alcohol she consumes.

I think you need to distance yourself from her. I believe her behavior is traumatizing you. You are at risk of developing ptsd yourself.

Do you mean physically or emotionally?

Physical is hard to do right now as we live in the same house and I will not be driven out of my house by her stuff. Emotionally isn't much better as I'm still very much in love with her .

The comment about how she hates herself because she has become "me" really sounded like an abuser saying "look what you made me do " after they realize what they have done but won't accept accountability for it. It hurt a lot .

If this is going to fail which I won't know the outcome on for a couples months, then . I need to decide if I want to keep this place .
If I'm not then I don't wish to leave until I have bought my new place which can't happen until she gets $ to buy me out, that she doesn't have unless she pulls an equity loan which will probably lead to her defaulting on it as she won't have my help with the bills . I don't think she has a grasp on the logistics financially and hasn't really thought it through .
Leaving usually hurts the one who leaves in divorce proceedings I have heard.

That being said I work local to the house ...her work is virtual and could be from anywhere.

My closet friend has been trying keep me sane and he's telling me this isn't my fault and even if she and I work it out I'll always be waiting for it to happen again and how that's not fair to me and how I deserve happiness.

Therapy coming up , gonna be a tough session.

I can tell you that her choice to self medicate with alcohol will only aggravate the ptsd. Alcohol doesn’t cure anything when it comes to mental illnesses.

Listen?

(The message you have entered is too short. Please lengthen your message to at least 8 characters.)

Could you elaborate? Listen to whom ?

Trying to listen and hear all thoughts on this as I'm pretty lost at the moment and struggling with what's happening to me and I'm very confused.

I think he means just listen to your wife.

However if she is drinking and directing anger and verbally abusing you I recommend leaving the room.

I’d consider taping these occurances so you can play them back to your therapist.

Heya all checking in
Feeling pretty low right now, thought I did a nice romantic thing but it wasn't well received. I bought her some candy including some of her favorites, a card and a mug with a small stuffed animal in it with a sappy love message on it..
The night before Valentine's Day after she had gone to bed, I grabbed the stuff out of where I had it hidden and set it up on her desk in her home office so she would see it as she went into the office to start her day.

When I got home after work she thanked me and informed me that she got me something but it wouldn't be here till the 16th. She had the whole week before off from work(most of which she was drinking and 4 drinks in by the time I got home but she couldn't remember to order me something on time ??
She also told me that I went to extravagant (it was only $30) and how in the past I didn't do much on Valentine's Day and it felt like overkill . It was $30 total, that's overkill!? I'm trying to show her I love her and was thinking of her with a couple small gifts and she finds a way to be offended ??

She also asked me if I was getting any on the side, I kept my cool and said of course not because it's the truth. I am not looking for that, I want to save my marriage. Where the hell does that come from?

In the last week she has gone through a range of interactions ranging from sending me links to videos on saving the marriage with comments from her about how this is what she needs along with one she said she needs to watch this one often about letting go of negative feelings to saying that she's not sure if this can be saved and how I should have treated her better if I wanted this to work out ?? Her perception is so negative biased one moment then full of optimism the next day .
I have no idea if I should keep trying or if I should start planning for surviving this if it goes bad . I still feel like if I plan for it not working out, then it will not work out.
Still trying to hold onto hope but how do I process the negativity that keeps popping up ?

I’m sorry ((hugs)). Given that your wife is struggling with ptsd and is consuming so much alcohol there is no way you will get anything healthy out of her.

You simply cannot have a healthy relationship when there is so much alcohol consumption taking place.

Yet she blames me as the primary source of our troubles . Every now and then she accepts some accountability and tells me I deserve someone who isn't damaged, who can give me what I need . As if that helps in any way ....I don't want someone else I love her and made a promise to love her for the rest of my life and all I want is to wake up with her in my arms and realize this was just a nightmare .but I can't because this is real .😢
I hate myself so much right now..

When a person has ptsd all they want is to wake up and not be crippled by it. The brain has actually changed with the condition called ptsd. A person is very sensitive and can be bothered by things others have little to no problem with it’s not unusual for a person to withdraw and isolate just to avoid experiencing a trigger that can cripple them for hours to a few days.

I tried drinking wine to see if that would help, it just made it worse. I was never much of a drinker. Yet some drink in hopes to feel pleasure and a relief but the alcohol only further challenges an already sensitive brain.

The candy etc you got her was nice, but she can’t give you what you want back. That angers her so she drinks and that just ends up making it worse and it sounds like anger starts to surface.

Hating yourself is not good for you because you can’t fix her. Ptsd is a lonely challenge and it’s very hard to explain just how hard it is. She can’t give you answers to the unknown she herself struggles with.

I hear what you're saying and I feel for her , I really do . I love her

I wish it brought me any comfort at this time but in the end I'm the one who is dying inside who will probably lose what meant everything to me, while she thinks divorce is the answer to all her problems, it's not and in the end we will both suffer and so will our son . She acts like this is my fault ...it's not . I'm starting to see that . Life sucks right now .

I'm doing double back flips while juggling trying to work with her and in the end for what ? I'm so devastated right now. All I want is my wife/soulmate to finish the journey we started decades ago and enjoy our silver/golden years together supporting each other thru It. 😭

What did you do? What is she blaming you for?

I asked those questions because I wonder if you are taking on too much responsibility for things that are not your fault.