Feeling alone

I’m so sorry @sadmanagain Drinking is so bad when struggling with ptsd a lot of anger can come out.

What is sad about it is that when someone is traumatized they are powerless to stop whatever the trauma is. When the person develops ptsd again they are powerless because of how intrusive these waves of emotions and memories surface even when the person suffering doesn’t want to experience it.

Part of her anger towards you is her feeling that she can’t have a normal relationship with you. Truth is anything can trigger her into flashbacks.

There is nothing you can do to stop an episode or fix her. It’s hard to see this happen to someone you love.

When people say “That happened years ago” there is no years ago with ptsd it doesn’t care, it just takes over the now like it’s happening now. It’s beast that lives within.

I say it happened years ago because much of the stuff she is angry at me about is stuff from over 10 years ago that we already worked through and talked about almost as many years ago. Stuff that I heard her on and have never repeated. .
Whether she can realize that doesn't change the fact she is beating the hell out of me verbally and it's really hurting me and I am becoming the victim of trauma now.

I love her so much what the hell do I do ??

Accept that you can love someone who cannot love you back the way you deserve. I believe you! I believe she can get shockingly angry and cruel that gets worse with every glass of alcohol she consumes.

I think you need to distance yourself from her. I believe her behavior is traumatizing you. You are at risk of developing ptsd yourself.

Do you mean physically or emotionally?

Physical is hard to do right now as we live in the same house and I will not be driven out of my house by her stuff. Emotionally isn't much better as I'm still very much in love with her .

The comment about how she hates herself because she has become "me" really sounded like an abuser saying "look what you made me do " after they realize what they have done but won't accept accountability for it. It hurt a lot .

If this is going to fail which I won't know the outcome on for a couples months, then . I need to decide if I want to keep this place .
If I'm not then I don't wish to leave until I have bought my new place which can't happen until she gets $ to buy me out, that she doesn't have unless she pulls an equity loan which will probably lead to her defaulting on it as she won't have my help with the bills . I don't think she has a grasp on the logistics financially and hasn't really thought it through .
Leaving usually hurts the one who leaves in divorce proceedings I have heard.

That being said I work local to the house ...her work is virtual and could be from anywhere.

My closet friend has been trying keep me sane and he's telling me this isn't my fault and even if she and I work it out I'll always be waiting for it to happen again and how that's not fair to me and how I deserve happiness.

Therapy coming up , gonna be a tough session.

I can tell you that her choice to self medicate with alcohol will only aggravate the ptsd. Alcohol doesn’t cure anything when it comes to mental illnesses.

Listen?

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Could you elaborate? Listen to whom ?

Trying to listen and hear all thoughts on this as I'm pretty lost at the moment and struggling with what's happening to me and I'm very confused.

I think he means just listen to your wife.

However if she is drinking and directing anger and verbally abusing you I recommend leaving the room.

I’d consider taping these occurances so you can play them back to your therapist.

Heya all checking in
Feeling pretty low right now, thought I did a nice romantic thing but it wasn't well received. I bought her some candy including some of her favorites, a card and a mug with a small stuffed animal in it with a sappy love message on it..
The night before Valentine's Day after she had gone to bed, I grabbed the stuff out of where I had it hidden and set it up on her desk in her home office so she would see it as she went into the office to start her day.

When I got home after work she thanked me and informed me that she got me something but it wouldn't be here till the 16th. She had the whole week before off from work(most of which she was drinking and 4 drinks in by the time I got home but she couldn't remember to order me something on time ??
She also told me that I went to extravagant (it was only $30) and how in the past I didn't do much on Valentine's Day and it felt like overkill . It was $30 total, that's overkill!? I'm trying to show her I love her and was thinking of her with a couple small gifts and she finds a way to be offended ??

She also asked me if I was getting any on the side, I kept my cool and said of course not because it's the truth. I am not looking for that, I want to save my marriage. Where the hell does that come from?

In the last week she has gone through a range of interactions ranging from sending me links to videos on saving the marriage with comments from her about how this is what she needs along with one she said she needs to watch this one often about letting go of negative feelings to saying that she's not sure if this can be saved and how I should have treated her better if I wanted this to work out ?? Her perception is so negative biased one moment then full of optimism the next day .
I have no idea if I should keep trying or if I should start planning for surviving this if it goes bad . I still feel like if I plan for it not working out, then it will not work out.
Still trying to hold onto hope but how do I process the negativity that keeps popping up ?

I’m sorry ((hugs)). Given that your wife is struggling with ptsd and is consuming so much alcohol there is no way you will get anything healthy out of her.

You simply cannot have a healthy relationship when there is so much alcohol consumption taking place.

Yet she blames me as the primary source of our troubles . Every now and then she accepts some accountability and tells me I deserve someone who isn't damaged, who can give me what I need . As if that helps in any way ....I don't want someone else I love her and made a promise to love her for the rest of my life and all I want is to wake up with her in my arms and realize this was just a nightmare .but I can't because this is real .😢
I hate myself so much right now..

When a person has ptsd all they want is to wake up and not be crippled by it. The brain has actually changed with the condition called ptsd. A person is very sensitive and can be bothered by things others have little to no problem with it’s not unusual for a person to withdraw and isolate just to avoid experiencing a trigger that can cripple them for hours to a few days.

I tried drinking wine to see if that would help, it just made it worse. I was never much of a drinker. Yet some drink in hopes to feel pleasure and a relief but the alcohol only further challenges an already sensitive brain.

The candy etc you got her was nice, but she can’t give you what you want back. That angers her so she drinks and that just ends up making it worse and it sounds like anger starts to surface.

Hating yourself is not good for you because you can’t fix her. Ptsd is a lonely challenge and it’s very hard to explain just how hard it is. She can’t give you answers to the unknown she herself struggles with.

I hear what you're saying and I feel for her , I really do . I love her

I wish it brought me any comfort at this time but in the end I'm the one who is dying inside who will probably lose what meant everything to me, while she thinks divorce is the answer to all her problems, it's not and in the end we will both suffer and so will our son . She acts like this is my fault ...it's not . I'm starting to see that . Life sucks right now .

I'm doing double back flips while juggling trying to work with her and in the end for what ? I'm so devastated right now. All I want is my wife/soulmate to finish the journey we started decades ago and enjoy our silver/golden years together supporting each other thru It. 😭

What did you do? What is she blaming you for?

I asked those questions because I wonder if you are taking on too much responsibility for things that are not your fault.

Yup that's my fixer mentality shining though ....if it's my fault then I can fix it

That's what a close friend that's known both of us for over 30 years keeps telling me . He says she is abusing me with all this and that I have been damaged, that I should file 1st . He says she's narcissistic.

I love her and I'm not ready to let go yet until there are no other options.
This is her sickness and I made a vow to stand beside her in sickness and in health, good times or bad. Isn't that what this is ??

To me that's giving up on what I most want ...my wife in my life and the dream we both shared when we got reconciled and moved here .

As for what did , years ago I became kind of an asshole when I let my anxiety get the best of me after some financial troubles, never physically but my mouth often lashed out as I didn't understand yet how to cope with my anxiety .
She wouldn't say anything about it due to her PTSD triggering a fear of being physically hurt if she spoke up as that's how her parents were. . Neither of us knew that at the time as much of what she endured was suppressed and burried and so there was no essential feedback in our communication in that way.
When we almost divorced before all of this came out .
I heard her, got help and through my therapy, I learned to cope with my stuff and she worked on her stuff and started getting more assertive and gave me feedback. It was going fantastic until the flashback during her Dr exam I meantioned previously then it all started falling apart .

According to her lately I am still critical and hurtful with my words and did not treat her well . I disagree completely yet I increased the frequency of my therapy to try to make sure as thats the last thing I want to do is hurt the woman I love .
Unfortunately it appears her damage from her past has her using transference to attach all her baggage from her childhood onto me imo. My therapist suggested this last week and it makes a lot of sense.

Lately it's stuff like
"it's not that you use hurtful words per se but the message I received is "insert whatever she thinks I'm doing or
"that made me feel like" insert whatever she wants to accuse me of.

Yet she loves to point out to me she is not responsible for my feelings if I hurt, only I am. Funny how she uses that statement like a one way street.

Her perception is often not reality and she keeps interpreting stuff in ways that they are not, connecting dots that aren't there to form conclusions based upon speculation and her thoughts in the moment.

She has PTSD/depression and has been told by her therapist that she may also have BPD.
My therapist tells me that the nature of PTSD is it lies to those plaugued with it yet she won't accept this as a valid reason for much of her feelings, better to blame the person who has loved/supported her for decades and would move the heavens to help her 😢 .

Sometimes she owns this and says she is damaged, how it's not fair to me and I deserve someone who can make me happy and give me the love I deserve .
This kills me as I want/deserve only her love . More often then though not it's back to how I'm an asshole .

Ptsd is a very confusing condition that even the person suffering doesn’t understand. This is not something that is your fault. Not unless you emotionally abused her. And from what you share it sounds like you faced some challenges that many face during a marriage.

Her saying she is broken is explaining how her ability to feel normal has changed. When someone develops PTSD changes take place in the brain. Some have it worse than others. Some begin using alcohol in an effort to escape the tiring symptoms. As I mentioned the use of alcohol only aggravates the ptsd adding another problem to the challenge.

Trauma can lay dormant in the brain often for years. Then a person can experience something that triggers flashbacks and fears and confusion that totally confuses the person experiencing it.

For example, years ago there was a gathering of WWII vets to honor their service. They sat and watched films of WWII that many had not seen. Many of these men had managed to come home from serving and adjust to civilian life having jobs and families and functioning normal. After these men attended this reunion they began having flashbacks and night terrors and were very confused as to why they began having all these unwanted ptsd symptoms after so many years symptom free.

Specialists do not know why so many began complaining. What happened in the brain? Men who were symptom free for 30 plus years suddenly struggling badly.

They are constantly studying ptsd and ways to help those who suffer. What the average person fails to understand is the symptoms are intrusive, a person is not choosing to experience these flashbacks.

Had I not experienced these episodes myself I too would not only not understand but would utter the very phrases that are not only no help but also contribute to added suffering. I am NOT the person I was before I developed ptsd myself.

Your wife has therapy sessions that provide her with a presence that allows her to talk things out as they surface. That doesn’t mean her condition is being cured. The best therapist I had helped me understand that when I experience a trigger causing me to have an episode that I had to learn just to wait it out. I did not hear any just ignore or let it go statements that insinuate I am responsible when that was not the case.

It’s a very tiring and frustrating challenge and the anger tends to be more about trying to manage it and the incredible amount of patience that takes.

You said "dying inside, both suffer, life sucks, devastated". I really feel your pain.

When I was going through separation/divorce I had similar feelings. I finally learned some valuable skills to start living an incredible life.

I'd be happy to share what I learned by giving a few of my best tips. I wish someone would have given them to me. Would that be valuable to you?

I would appreciate any advice and support you could offer.
I am still trying to make this work . I also need to prepare myself if it does not .

Quote:

Originally Posted by sadmanagain Greetings all I'm really in a tough place at the moment and am seeking some wisdom and support . Feeling really low . happens. How do you get over almost 3 decades ? How do you start your life again in your mid 50s ? Feeling lost and hopeless at the moment.

It is what I fear...but first let me say something. You get married and in a short amount of time, you are the most qualified person to advise. Matters of your wife are way out of hand when anybody has to be brought in to advise. She is your soul mate so go fight for her.

She shuts you down, however, it is on her.

I would love to hear your tips as well

10 Ways Narcissists and Alcoholics Are Similar | Psychology Today

So uou think might be what I'm dealing with?

I'm still circling the airport. The last 2 week's have been relatively tranquil but not necessarily productive.

She recently admitted that she has realized through her journaling that she has been treating me unfairly and doing some of the very things she says I used to do to her . She also says she wonders if she is a narcissist and her actions of late seem to show that . She apologized and has been much less abusive to me verbally.

She also said she has not been telling me or acknowledging the good things I have been doing of late and says she will work on that .
All of this sounds great except for the fact that she still in a conversation (after some drinks) the other night suggested that Divorce might be better for both of us . The same day she mentioned how before next winter we should do some house projects ... Confused ? I sure am .

For now I'm just going to be the best me I can be and keep swimming. I love her so very much, so I can't give up yet .

The decision to stay or leave the relationship is your choice. I just think it’s important to understand what you are dealing with. When’s partner has alcohol use disorder it’s not an easy road. There is more than likely underlying issues that require a professional to help the person struggling to sort through.

It’s lonely because this disease always comes first for the person.

At this moment I don't feel like it's my choice as I do not wish to end it .
It's really her choice and I am just going for the ride . My self esteem is pretty much non existent right now along with my confidence.

My friend of 35 years says she is manipulating me and I don't deserve this. I wish I didn't care about her so much so I could agree with him and move on, I'm just not there yet . This sucks .