Feeling alone

It’s so unfortunate that your wife chooses to self medicate with alcohol. All that does is add on another problem because alcohol further damages the brain and deteriorates the kidneys and liver and heart. It’s also a depressant that traps a person into feeling awful yet getting up and continuing to consume and damaging.

That being said ptsd can get so crippling and the only way you would really understand it is if you yourself experienced it. You can get angry and frustrated and even feel betrayed, but don’t choose to punish someone that has already been abused in horrific ways.

Your wife isn’t looking to take money from you or “punish you by making you pay”. She is not being abusive or vindictive or narcissistic.

While it’s very hard to let go and give up the partnership you wanted for life, at least don’t choose to punish. Your wife has already had enough of that and is now being crippled by it all these years later.

I have been thru the divorce wringer... Find a divorce support group ( you might or might not go thru with it) that would be projecting.. Keep it in the now (one day at a time)... If your wife has an alcohol problem there is Alanon: https://al-anon.org/newcomers/how-can-i-help-my/

Hang in there!

There are AA and Alanon meetings for both of you... I am not sure she has a problem with drinking, only she knows, and you have a pretty good idea... If I were you I would start reading literature in Alanon, there are some really good daily readers: One day at a time in Alanon, Courage to Change, Hope for Today....

There is a solution, don’t give up just yet.

Hang in there. I feel for you!

I'd never punish her and I feel for her struggles but who feels for me and mine ? They are real and the person I trusted to have my back isnt who I thought she was and no longer has my back .

It’s understandable you feel that way.

Sadmanagain, sometimes you do everything right and it still doesn't go your way.

I'm so sorry you don't have, and haven't gotten, the support you need. It really stinks to be the giver who doesn't get.

I'm slowly learning to give myself what I need, because no one else will. It is sad. I feel for you.

As has been said before, keep taking it one day at a time. Hoping and praying that better days await, and not too long in the future.

Last night I had a dream and for the first time in a while it wasn't a nightmare. It was actually good and romantic. I want to share it while it's still fresh in my head as dream details often escape as I become more awake .

It didn't have her in it , I have no idea who the other woman was, it's like I could see them but could not identify them . All I know is that she approached me ,I am certain of that.

It was like first dates kinda stuff
There was warmth and closeness with the person and a feeling of being cared about, something I haven't felt in many months perhaps even a year except for the occasional positive interaction with my wife .
We were enjoying each others company, flirting with each other hugging and kissing (but nothing deeper no sex) and oddly enough cruising around on a lake on a warm summer day with this woman and we were getting to know each other better .

It felt good and I woke up a little bit less sad. I have no idea where it came from . Is this how my healing and beginning to put me 1st begins ?

This quote was from a different thread and it really resonated within me and reminded me of a really tough night and I'd like to share it .


QUOTE=Open Eyes;7326199]Her identity is the victim, accountability would take the power she gets from playing the victim. The most this kind of individual will do is say they behaved bad BUT it was out of defense. It’s always deflection and never really being truthful about their part.

The truth is they are “cowards”.[/QUOTE]

2 months ago my wife was really drunk ( 3 real strong proof rum and cokes ) and proceeded to start yelling at me about the smallest thing .

I walked into the kitchen to help her with stuff in the oven that she was struggling with because she was drunk and swearing saying "ow **** this is hot" she had previously asked me to never go in the kitchen while she is in there as it triggers her as that's where her parents often used to beat her as a child . I knew she was drunk and probably burning her hands so I went in to help as I didn't want her to hurt herself in her state .....NOT OK when I saw her getting triggered I immediately backed up out of the room and gave her space ...Not Good Enough!!

The next night I tried to again apologize to her as she had thus far only said she would try to forgive me.
She again was drunk and She read me the riot act which then turned into a handful of things she cherry picked from the past(some from years ago) things we had already worked thru and forgave each other for .
This went on for over 45 minutes while I just took it and said I'm sorry, please stop yelling at me you're hurting me, I was only trying to help you it sounded like you were burning yourself. Her response was ...." I'm just being brutally honest" and she continued berating me, telling me this is why she wants a divorce. Reemphasizing the same points over and over . It felt very much like abuse
I left the room went up to the bedroom and locked myself in. I knew she had the key but I felt I needed to ground myself.

The next day I woke up with her in the bed, I got up and went to work she texted me at work apologizing for the way she treated me and how she was afraid that she was a narcissist and abusive just like her parents . How her actions last night was proof of that being possible. How it was unacceptable and asked for forgiveness.

I told her I forgave her and let it go, respected that she had owned her mistake, taken accountability and left it at that. I was happy thinking perhaps this was progress and we handled the aftermath of that incident well .

Three days later she offered up another explanation for how she treated me . She said perhaps she wasn't abusive to me, that perhaps her actions/how she treated me were in fact "reactive abuse" and ok .

Months later she still brings this incident up in arguments defending her actions and choices .

It felt very much like her always
thinking she is the victim in our struggles . Sometimes she owns her accountability for stuff and then other times it's like this . Lots of come here ...no go away stuff.

With the divorce going forward I imagine there will be less of that .

The quote you pulled up of mine is describing something different. But, it’s ok that bring it up with a question/sentiment of do you mean this?

From what you share your wife genuinely struggles with PTSD. She was badly abused as a child and most likely learned to dissociate when things were happening to her to survive. However, her boundaries were constantly violated by the very people that were supposed to love and protect her.

The brain stores everything yet we learn to keep going, especially when we are young and don’t really know what abuse means. Instead we just learn to live in whatever environment we are experiencing. We have few skills and we don’t have the kind of knowledge an adult has so we often believe what we are told. What can now be considered abuse can be normalized from parents towards a child.

The other day I watched an old John Wayne movie called Mclintock. This movie paired him up with Maureen O’Harah and many of the interactions between them were similar to an earlier popular movie called “The Quiet Man”. Both movies had lots of drinking and messages of how women should be treated that are NOT acceptable today.

It’s not just that your wife was ok and now she is stricken. It’s more that with adult awareness a history of abuse can become very traumatic. I saw the movie “ Miclintock” so many years ago and it was no big deal and seeing it now made me realize how bad behaviors were normalized many years ago.

Asking someone struggling to remember their past can get very tricky. Also, if there was abuse and a lot of fear, that fear can actually be magnified by the adult mind due to more knowledge and life experience.

Ptsd does change the brain it has been learned that two areas that are affected are the hypocampus and the amygdala. People that experience triggers and flashbacks try to withdraw and distance because they are trying not to suffer any more damage. Not only that but trauma stays in the nervous system and adrenal glands so a trigger can produce too much cortisol that gets into the muscles and it can actually get painful.

People turn to alcohol in hopes to manage the symptoms. Unfortunately tha alcohol reduces cognitive function and numbs areas of the brain were the individual loses the ability to care about how their actions can hurt others.

Some people can get very mean and scary when they consume a lot of alcohol. They wake up hung over and tend to gaslight and deny they did or said anything bad.

All alcoholics GASLIGHT!

Someone who genuinely suffers from ptsd can become abusive. It’s the nature of AUD.

Your dream sounds hopeful. Like maybe you can imagine having another relationship in the future? Healing can be slow, but that sounds like a positive sign.

Waking up, coming back to reality, and feeling sad isn't fun. BTDT.

Your wife sounds like she's in a terrible place and, unfortunately, took it out on you. My DH did the same to me, and I allowed him to make excuses for his behavior and abuse, rather than put down good boundaries. Truth is, I had no idea how to do that when it started. That's one thing I learned late, is that it doesn't matter how bad someone else's situation is, whether they are sick, traumatized, etc, they have no right to be abusive as a result. They can be as angry as the need to be (internal reaction), but that doesn't give them a green light to be aggressive (external reaction).

You sound like you tried to be so understanding of her situation and just nothing helped. The pull you in, push you out that you describe sounds a little like borderline, which tends to be connected to childhood trauma. Hopefully you haven't ended up with your own dose of PTSD as a result of being mistreated by your wife's issues.

Hope today is a good day.

Alcoholism is in itself a SELFISH disorder. People who tend to turn to and abuse alcohol tend to be Bpd, NPD , ADHD, PTSD, and Bipolar. When any of these individuals stop abusing alcohol, they must get therapy for the underlying cause. If they don’t the risk of abusing alcohol again is high.

The trend has been to label people as being a narcissist. Many who actually get unfairly labeled are those who struggle wit ADHD. Those with ADHD often are empathetic, some accuse them of love bombing when they are not but instead are love showering. These individuals are wired differently and tend to not produce enough dopamine. They can have a hard time getting motivated and can get disorganized. They are often punished instead of being helped. Many don’t get diagnosed until they are in their 30’s.

Because they struggle but can be nice they often end up in abusive relationships with a narcissist or someone with Bpd. (Often but not always).

I have observed over many years many different situations involving alcoholism. When someone starts young that is their maturity level. And they gaslight and hide and defend their AUD. It’s not unusual for such a person to play the victim role and also be addicted to drama. Also they don’t admit how they chose a partner to use while they continued to engage their AUD. It’s ALWAYS someone else’s fault.

It never ceases to amaze me how others blindly believe their stories.

@sadmanagain, I am very sorry to read what you are going through. It’s just awful seeing someone you love circling the drain with ptsd and AUD. There is nothing you can do and that’s just so heartbreaking.

I had tried to help a friend and she drank herself to death. I had to walk away from a few people because they choose to embrace their addictions/alcoholism. It is traumatizing to witness. Go to an alanon meeting, there are many who will sympathize with your pain.:

She has told me she used to steal her mom's vodka (numerous bottles stashed in the house was the norm as her mom liked to drink ) as a young child probably to try to escape the horrors she endured and add water to replace what she drank . So she did start drinking at a young age .

I can't say for sure she's an alcoholic BUT I can say for the first 15 years or so of the marriage, she barely drank at all . I never really drink so perhaps back then she was abstaining to be more compatible with me .

During the first 15 years together we were amazing together, now I wonder if as her PTSD started to intensity she started drinking more because it "worked" as a child . It's about when things started changing slowly at first

So many other things happened though like having a child , a bankruptcy , home ownership after the first 10 years so I can't be sure if the alcohol was a big part of the issues.

She is drinking heavily now though correct?

2 strong rum and cokes ... doubles every night and more on weekends.

She definitely has a solid buzz every night

Ok, she is self medicating with alcohol. That only makes ptsd symptoms worse and it contributes to the mood changes and overall instability.

Sorry, unfortunately you can’t stop her. ((Caring Hugs)).

The last night
Here I lie with her only inches away yet miles away and after tonight I'll never wake up next to her again. It'll be a part of me dying, another part of us erased with a pen. It's not right . I'm so very hurt, Who is this strange woman that would do this to me ? To us ?

Tomorrow I assemble the new bed I bought in my office I'm dreading it so very much.

Ptsd steals away from a person.

What is concerning is her increasing use of alcohol because she doesn’t want to experience the symptoms of the ptsd.

You share how you enjoyed many good years together. If there was a personality disorder like NPD there would not have been so many good years like you describe.

The thing about ptsd is the person struggling realizes that they will never be that person again. They don’t even know how to explain. When they try the responses they get shows them how others don’t realize how genuinely crippling it can get.

I was lucky to find a therapist that was experienced with treating ptsd patients. He never made me feel bad about any of the symptoms or flashbacks. Instead he explained what I was experiencing and that it was not my fault.

He told me there is a sort of ribbon that all these traumas hang off of. That after working through the traumas you slowly see the ribbon that connects them together. That’s when you begin to regain some power and healing. But she has to stop using the alcohol. She needs to find a medication that is calming but allows her to learn and heal.

IMO your wife is not interested in hurting or punishing you. In fact she is not even looking to take any money from you. If she was narcissistic she would decide she is entitled and gaslight her way to financial gain because you failed to meet up to her expectations.

Sadman, sending good vibes that you hang in there without too many problems today.

So much of what you say, I could have written about dh and myself.

So often it feels like the person I once knew died and was replaced with this person who isn't very nice and can't care about anyone else's feelings.

And some people try to convince me that he was always like this..... But in my mind, something definitely changed, and I may never know what. And in the end, it may not really matter

Open Eyes, thank you for all the information/explanation, it gives me a lot to ponder in regard to dh. He often seems like he is a lot like a child, reverting to maladaptive coping techniques, but not actually able to think about it and control it as much as do it.

I still love her and care about her and feel for her struggles.

At the same time whether she meant this or didn't mean this makes very little difference for me and my life and how I feel.
I'm equally destroyed either way, regardless of her intent .

Whether she is "trying to save me from her stuff and is trying to buckle down on the root of her problems by focusing exclusively on her issues by isolating herself."
How she "wants me to be happy and knows she can't make me happy as broken as she is and how she doesn't want me to feel guilty if I found someone else " <<<<her words are they true, can I believe her at all anymore?

Of course that is often followed up by a request to promise her not to date anyone else until it's finalized....

As if I'm anywhere close to being ready to look for something else yet . I probably won't even think about that for a long time as I'll need to get my head on straight and find me before I'm any good to someone else .

It staggers me she worries about that...she even was snooping in my phone logs about a month ago asking me who Jane was as her number was in my phone logs on the website from the cell carrier.
I calmly explained that I had in fact called Jane, she works for NAMI the national alliance on mental illness and was seeking information on support groups for spouses of who are survivors of abuse and suffer with PTSD because I wanted to improve how I could support her better emotionally and perhaps help her cope. She even called Jane to ask her if she was having an affair with her husband. I know this because Jane's supervisor contacted me to let me know . This definitely suggested the level of struggle she is dealing with and I want to empathize with that but look at my life ATM . Is it just that she is this broken or is she is just heartless and playing with my emotions and has been for a while . I'll never know as can I truly trust any of her words now ?

Either way the outcome is the same .

I really don't want to shut the door forever as I wish we could work this out still even now or down the road after she figures out some of her problems. So I want us to not part in a bad way
Am I a fool for wishing for that or thinking like that ? Hoping for that ?

Need to build the bed but so far all I can do is look at the parts . Trying to work up the motivation .