Feeling alone

Thank you for the kind words. Perhaps I am not a fool for saying/feeling the way I do . I am a loving and supportive person for sure ...so much so I neglect myself and my needs I think .

What is your opinion of her statements? Those things I posted today are not my interpretation, those were her exact words . Do you think they could be sincere and genuine or do you think it sounds like she's manipulating my loving nature ?

I'm in a place where in very vulnerable to embracing hope and it's so hard to believe she could say what she what she is saying and then do this ?? To me it seems hard to imagine doing this to someone you love or care about .

Home inspection today ...a positive thing to look forward to.

I believe your wife. I think she is being truthful with you.

I think she should keep seeing this social worker that she feels safe with. However, she should also see a trauma specialist and a psychiatrist that has experience treating patients with ptsd.

It would be better if your wife found a medication that helps her manage the ptsd rather then using the alcohol.

Thank you for the kind words. Perhaps I am not a fool for saying/feeling the way I do . I am a loving and supportive person for sure ...so much so I neglect myself and my needs I think .

What is your opinion of her statements? Those things I posted today are not my interpretation, those were her exact words . Do you think they could be sincere and genuine or do you think it sounds like she's manipulating my loving nature ?

I'm in a place where in very vulnerable to embracing hope and it's so hard to believe she could say what she what she is saying and then do this ?? To me it seems hard to imagine doing this to someone you love or care about .

Home inspection today ...a positive thing to look forward to.

I don't know if she means it. Sometimes people say one thing in a particular moment, know what I mean? Like maybe she is really thinking about that now, but she shifts a lot, so who knows what comes next?

It's okay to have hope, but don't put all your eggs in one basket.

Do you think you are codependent? I am. I always thought that was a term for someone who over loved an alcoholic. Turns out it's a term for people who are so focused on someone else that they lose themselves. Apparently this is very easy to fall into that trap if someone you love is sick or disordered.

My DH is one I never thought would get into therapy (his family doesn't believe in it), but when he got to the point of a full blown nervous breakdown, he didn't have much choice. I honestly don't think his counselor does much good. She may actually be doing more harm. He's not real introspective, so I get the feeling that their sessions end up with him just feeling like everything he thinks and feels is affirmed. In the year he's been in counseling, he's had very little growth as a person. If anything, she feeds his belief that he's fine and the problems are with others. They say bad counseling is worse than no counseling. Your situation and mine may eventually prove that.

Big hugs for the day.

Your relationship was not abusive in what you share. Instead it sounds like something triggered her to start experiencing these ptsd symptoms.

Do you know what the trigger was?

Yes I think I do. About a year and a half ago she had to have an exam by a female doctor (gyno) and due to covid protocols she was required to wear a mask during that exam .

All thru covid she wouldn't go anywhere due to the masking as having her mouth coverec by a mask triggers her as her abusers used to put their hands over her mouth .

She pleaded with the dr to not have to wear the mask but like many medical offices they hide behind the rules of the day and said nope you have to .
She tried explaining her PTSD and rather then hear her and let her take it off because the doctors and nurses all had masks on and were at zero risk .

They broke their hypocritic oaths to do no harm and did her harm all in the name of a stupid rule that makes no sense. She basically had a nervous breakdown during the exam and nothing has been the same since. While she was in the midst of her triggered breakdown they even told her to calm down it's not a big deal 🤬

I am so very angry at that doctor's office because I realize this was the event that led to all of this . After that she became distant and cold and nothing was the same .

Ohhhh, yes I can see how that would be a major trigger. Then add to that having to wear a mask pretty much everywhere.

I’m so sorry, yes I can see how that can bring so many things forward.

That is so very sad and angering. That is absolutely miserable treatment by that facility.

I am so, so sorry.

Thank you, I wish I could have been there for her to stop them as I wouldn't have let that happen to her but obviously I am not allowed into that sort of exam and they ignored her wishes.
None of her struggles in the past held a candle to everything after that day and it started the process that ended our marriage of over 30 years. Our anniversary is in less then 2 weeks but I imagine anniversaries that occur during divorce proceedings don't count 💔

Must include a positive...The home inspection went well and the house looks decent overall, should be continuing with the purchase.

Sadmanagain, I am so very, truly sorry for what your wife and you have gone through. That is just horrendous and unacceptable.

I think I mentioned dh has medical problems that are undiagnosed and frequently dismissed. The last few years, my view of doctors keeps going down. They often don't feel like CARE providers, they feel like processors, ticking boxes and forgetting that they are working with actual, feeling, complex human beings.

Anyhow, good to hear that your inspection went well. Maybe a little space IS what she needs. Once you move, will you continue to see her regularly, on a friendly level?

It seems like as an abuse survivor, there might be a lot of undertones of authoritative abuse, including that by the doctor. Do you think maybe you are triggering that overbearing adult figure in her psyche, even though your intentions are loving and want to help? If so, maybe giving her that space to feel more control over herself will eventually bring her back around.

Lots of prayers and positive thoughts for you.

Tough session last night with the therapist . Made some connections about her actions/statements and her illness and how it has changed our interactions over the last year.
I believe she may be stricken with DID on top of the PTSD as she had frequently talkd to me about her injured child persona which has a name that is not hers . A lot of this I didn't pay much attention to but when I look back at it, I realize she talked about her often and told me recently that her child persona is too strong and she can't silence her .

If she indeed has DID then there is no way every other week therapy will help her with that, especially on top of the trauma PTSD . It's awful and I feel terrible about her struggles.

My therapist told me a phrase to recite when when I'm struggling to cope with this .

"My relationship has changed because she can no longer love me the way I need to be loved anymore "

He says it's the key to learning to move on and not dwell in what ifs.

We shall see sometimes it helps sometimes not .

Positive for the day ....going out with friends bowling .

Sounds like you're seeing things you didn't really recognize before. That's a lot to wrap your head around.

Perhaps in time, her treatment will change and she will find her way to where she needs to be.

In the meantime, hopefully you can find some meaningful ways to care for yourself.

That's a good mantra the therapist gave you. Mine is "I have to take the road that's in front of me." Guess that sort of avoids the what-ifs as well.

Nice that you will go bowling. Hope you are able to have some fun. Are you a good bowler?

Only done candlepin and this is 10 pin so I'll probably be terrible but it will feel good doing something for me with friends who want to see me have fun instead of the doom and gloom that has been my life . Btw I like your mantra also .

Bowling was fun, I even got 3 strikes and a bunch of spares , I'm still terrible at it .
We are going to make it a weekly thing 😀 . It felt good hanging out with some friends and enjoying being me and feeling welcome and not like I'm tip toeing over eggshells. It was nice . I picked up some dinner stuff for tomorrow and coffee for her as she was out. I was feeling good.

Of course I got home and all she wanted to talk about was lawyer stuff
and never even said thanks for picking up stuff on the way home and thinking of her.
Sigh now I feel like **** again. At least she didn't accuse me of sleeping with anyone although I bet she's thinking it .

This child part that she describes as being so powerful is going to take time for tha adult self to help that part grieve and slowly heal.

This is not something others understand as unless you experience it first hand you tend to not understand how dibilitating it can get and it’s not by choice.

That's great that you had fun and made a plan to go weekly. Things can seem not so bad when you have something to look forward to.

What did you think of 10 pin? I'm not real familiar with candlepin, though my mother may have mentioned doing that when and where she grew up. Sounds like you did pretty well. For the record, I've 10 pin bowled off and on my entire life and my all time high score is 142. Can you say you are that bad? The social end of it was always fun.

Sorry you had to come home to the same old, same old. Just remember, it's not you. Still hurts, I know. Mine really hasn't said please or thank you much in years, and when he does, it tends to sound forced, like he's only doing it because he feels there's no other way to get what he wants. Sometimes it's better if they don't try. SMH

Sorry you felt lousy after coming home. Hope you find more peace once you are in your own place. It should be more predictable at least.

That may be true however her calling a lawyer WAS a choice.

Choosing to take the easy way out (for her) instead of doing the hard work by explaining her situation and asking if there was a way she could have more space. Perhaps even having herself evaluated and getting checked into a facility
that can help her or at least see a trauma specialist on a weekly basis while we as a team easily could afford such things . I would have worked with her on any of those things as I love her.

Instead she is choosing divorce and her every other week social worker. Her decisions are poorly thought out.

I sympathize with her illness and what she has endured. I truly do.
At the same time it's hard to have sympathy for her choice and the damage her choice inflicts upon me , our son and to some extent herself. It will take me months if not years to get over the damage she has inflicted on me .
The feelings of being a failure at the most important job I had. Feeling like I do now, unloved and discarded by the person whom I basically did everything for for the last 3 decades out of love that she is willing to sacrifice is so damaging to my mental health I don't know how to express it on words alone.

Knowing that a alt child persona was probably one of main voices she based her decision on makes my soul cry out in anguish. Understanding her self meditation with alcohol only makes it all worse ( half a fifth of rum in the last 3 days ) also kills me .

She didn't choose to have her problems I know, neither did I .

I chose to promise to be there for her and love her forever in sickness and health good times and bad. She did as well . I kept my promise she did not .

I will never be cruel to her despite all this . I am just very sad and hurt

I agree the alcohol use is a problem and makes any challenge much worse.

It’s understandable you feel the way you do.

Thank you for the positive thoughts and prayers, I can use as much as I can get .
I don't think so but I suppose anything is possible. I can hear what you are saying though and I can see how it's possible .
She won't talk about much at this point about us stuff so it's hard to say for sure.
She had previously discussed how she would like to be friends still and eventually do things together and see where that goes . She emphasized how if we were to try we would need to take baby steps .
I like what you are saying about her having space helping her feel more control over herself will eventually bring her back around. I very much hope you are right .

10 pin was fun, much different approach then candlepin . From my point of view 142 looks great as my best game was 117, you'd kick my butt I think . It was my first try and I will get better with practice, definitely intend to keep going.

Thanks for reminding me it's not me . I sometimes I wish it were because if it was my fault then I could fix this . It hurts like hell and I keep hoping that the hurt will lessen as time goes by.

As this progresses I feel like she is gaining strength in her resolve as mine is drained by this process. It's so

Perhaps once I move into my new house and get settled there I will start to feel better .

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