Divorcing and still living with a narc

I was never in love with him. I figured it would come with time and I was thinking about the lines of "good enough." I don't doubt for a second that I deserved that treatment. I did endure 3 instances of physical abuse, but he knows I'll fight back so he was careful about it.

I tried to talk to him about these problems... Obviously, it didn't work. The circular arguments... It was all in my head, he didn't remember doing it, blah, blah, blah.

I learned a lot about emotional abuse... basically, anything that is not physical because it is not as evident. I just knew something was off but couldn't put my finger on it.

This is good because I get it off my chest, I get feedback from people who don't know, and it's helped me think and introspect. Hopefully, someone out there reads stuff like this and realize that they weren't alone.

Thanks, all, for your input. I appreciate it.

You know what's weird? I never truly fell in love with my ex husband either. It was all on his side, well allegedly because he never truly loved me, not in a normal, healthy way. I just wanted to get married so badly and he was there, asking me, so I said yes. I was 47 years old, never married before. I felt I should be married. What a mistake that was, but I've learned from it. I will never settle for just good enough ever again. I'd rather be alone than settle for less than what I truly want.

@Blueowl, how's it going? Are you hanging in there?

@Have Hope,

I got a job out of state and have about a month before I leave. I'm looking forward to the change. Have circular "talks" about some of the things that need to take place for the divorce; he'll bring them up but then be non-committal. My inclination is that I've made it this far, and 4-5 more weeks is nothing.

I'm relieved that the settlement was not changed (because he wanted to make sure that he got a good deal) and that his lawyer advised him to go ahead and sign it.

Been watching some videos on YouTube about not overthinking, and other such topics to help me not dwell in the past and beat myself up.

The new job will be challenging and that will be my main focus - it will keep me busy until I learn all the ins and outs.

I had a great Friday, had lunch with a co-worker, and met another friend and her daughters yesterday. Thus far, there are many people who have offered to help and offered a place to stay. I'm too proud to take them up on their offers. Yesterday, my friend and her daughters made me feel loved. I have support and am grateful for that.

As of lately, doing real well. Thanks for checking!

WOW - good for you!!! All positive action steps.. congrats on the job, and for taking care of yourself emotionally and in other ways. I am glad you're no longer beating yourself up - that never does any good except make one feel far worse.