[butterflytobe]

I had finally started to believe that leaving my marriage to take care of myself and get away from a toxic r'ship would be good, but now I'm starting to second-guess myself and feel guilty for considering a separation and making plans. I'm 31, in my second marriage, and bipolar. My H is 36, his second marriage also, and has a history of abuse (physical, verbal, sexual) by his parents which (I believe) has led to him having a sex addiction and depression, anxiety, and possibly other things. He is in therapy but they don't discuss the sex addiction (as my H doesn't think its a big deal). It is a big deal to me because I have told him over and over that I want more of a connection, I want to make love, not just have sex. He'll always agree for a day or so, but it always goes back to the same old thing. He has a foot fetish, frequently looks at porn, and is turned on by the idea of me being with other men - either on my own or with him. He has gone so far as to encourage me to hook up while out of town (most recently last weekend) and also with a coworker. Last year I had a one-night-stand and didn't tell him right away...when I did it almost destroyed the relationship, but eventually he got more turned on and wanted to "talk" about it. The things he likes and wants don't excite me and I have told him many times that I want it to stop. He always agrees and says he wants that too, but it always returns. I just don't think I can handle it anymore. I have finally resigned myself to leaving, knowing that for my own health I need to get out of this destructive relationship before it self-destructs (which I am certain it will). The problem is overall he is a good person - he has had anger issues and has gotten very mean with me, but has never hit me, always apologizes and says he will work on it, doesn't ignore me or neglect me, is sweet, funny, takes care of things, etc. It makes me feel guilty for planning to leave him and I hate lying about being happy and in love with him. It makes me think I am being selfish and just don't want to work on the marriage. We have gone to counseling in the past, I am in individual counseling and see a psychiatrist for my bipolar/depression, and I am on meds. It takes so much to just manage myself, sometimes it's too much to try to manage him and our relationship. He is very dependent on me...he is estranged from his family and has literally no friends. I'm all he has, which is a lot of pressure on me. He is codependent and will never leave, no matter what...it was that way with his first wife. He was miserable with her, but he wouldn't leave...she had to be the one to finally call it quits. I know it will devastate him when I leave and it will totally blindside him, but I just don't think this relationship is healthy.

Sorry this was long...any advice/support/encouragement is greatly appreciate.

[ncguynva]

There is nothing wrong with getting out of a relationship that you are not happy in. If you have told him what would make you happy and he hasn't changed it yet, then its time to move on. I had to learn that the hard way.