[Nobodydifferent]

I don't want to call this a success story because my eating disorder is still a soft whisper in my ear . But it use to be a loud scream , it use to be the voice that controlled me , it use to be the voice u woke up waiting to hear from every day .

And then I was laying on my bathroom floor .. And the voice abandoned me . It didn't tell me everything was going to be alright or how to pick myself up . Instead the voice was silent. Instead I heard my sons voice in my head asking why I did this . I heard friend voices filled with disappointment. I laid there on that bathroom floor , unable to get up , faulty certain I was going to die and I wondered what my obituary would say . Surely not this , not exactly this. Something better then this I hope . I scribbled down finale words on a piece of paper. Sorry to my son , there was no way to
Express how sorry . And thank you's to the fee friends who stood by me .

This isn't what I mean lt to happen. You I venture to think might be the crazy one of this is what you think I wanted . That losing a few pounds was the goal . No control was the goal , Hurting was the goal
,depriving myself was the goal
. Disappearing was the goal although I didn't know that . Every bite I missed was one step closer to maybe just maybe being one bite missed to many . I didn't want to die . I never wanted to hurt my son . I thought I had this all under control . And people though I just wanted to be skinny . It was all foolish really .

The people, me , my family who even the blind could see I was sick but they chose to turn a blind eye and say every thing was fine. . My friends who would smile and say ' oh you look great ' and grab my waist not knowing the immense amount of pain I was in . They didn't take anything wrong cause they say me eat .. They didn't know that was all I ate sometimes that day , sometimes for days I didn't just fear food it truly became the enemy ..

Which leads up to this floor where I was at a point no one understood me and when I'm saying I can't eat they think they are just words .. But i hadn't and couldn't eat for days , nothing could stay in me and my weight dropped , my temp dropped , and then I dropped . I resigned to the fact that my death would be that floor ..

However it wasn't . I made it off the floor and to the hospital .. Where I figured I'd be told I was fine . That didn't happen . I was told how close to dying I was and how bad off I am . And along with massive GI problems that are no fun point blank ' the anorexia will kill me '

The anorexia was always something I used to control when my life was falling apart . I was good at it and now it's turning on me . It was slipping through my fingers and causing even more problems ..

I can't die from this .. I can't have my son lose me on a bathroom floors .. He deserves more

So now what .. I happily eat and make perfect choices and gain weight and sing about it and the world is great ?

No ! God no .. I pretended that for a day and then wanted to be put in a stray jacket . Giving up anorexia is giving up a long time friend even if she is a bad influence .. I fear every pound
, I fear being a normal weight , I fear being normal.. I fear it all .. What I don't fear is losing control and ending up on the bathroom floor .. At least not untill I'm in my 90s maybe.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Nobodydifferent: Thanks for sharing your story...

[glitterbutterfly]

Thanks for sharing

(((((hugs))))))