[Rissie.is.back.]

i went 2 days with no food..then my mom said something about chili and it triggered me..so i ate.....i tried to purge it but only got half up because my mom kept knocking on my door...i hate myself so much. i have no control. all i ever want is to be pretty...but forget it. im never eating again..i swear this time...ill pay for it now.......big time

[darkrunner]

Hi Rissie,
I'm sorry you are struggling. Have you been dealing with these thoughts for long?
Do you have a therapist or someone to talk to about it?
Take care....

[Rissie.is.back.]

yes ive been ana/mia for 3 years now. i used to have a T but i cant afford it anymore.

[dcs_no1_fan]

I know how you feel it has been 3 day's for me since I have eaten & even though im hungry I dont want to eat again to night but as I had my probs with my ED nearly 3 years ago I know that my husband will sit me down tonight & make me eat something even though I really dont want to

[eskielover]

I had never dealt with anorexia before I was 44....always kept my weight at a healthy point & never gained much....my career was demanding & I couldn't afford to not be thinking (aerospace firmware engineer designing & programming military communication systems). Not only that, but I was playing racquettball everyday with the guys I worked with.....couldn't afford to pass out on the court & look like a sissy. That said......it wasn't until I lost my career & the stress I was going through along with the psych medication I was on made it difficult, then impossible to eat......lost so much weight I landed in an eating disorders treatment center in an emergency situation.

The thing was that I started riding horses & showing dressage right before that. Luckily, I never passed out while on top of my horse....but many times I did when I was just around them. I got through that period of time.....then a trauma hit me 5 years ago with my Mother's home care person when she was dying of cancer.....lost so much weight I was put back in the medical hospital....hospital's pdoc said that I was in danger of tying given my blood work.....well, I got through that, but with all the PTSD that situation caused, it took me over a year to be able to gain any of the weight back & I passed out in the stall of my foal (she had just been born the past September). It totally freaked her out.....I came to with her nuzzling at me & pawing at the ground next to me. There were a couple of other foals in the pen with her that it also scared. I had no idea how sensitive our horses are to our health. That definitely made a huge impression on me....as much as it did my foal.

It took me awhile to get to a healthy point.....but I was always careful to make sure I had my stamina before going around my horses from that point on.

I know that my anorexia is mostly caused by stress (the nausea it causes), but behind it has always been the desire not to be fat (or even weigh more than the minimum healthy amount).....a fine line to walk.......but to be healthy for my horses & now that I don't live with anyone & passing out alone in my house is a scary thing to me.....I make sure that I keep that shakey feeling away by trying to eat a little bit several times a day. Admitting here there are days when I feel lazy & don't want to cook.....thank heavens for the microwave & quick dinners.

It is important though to maintain our health & weight while enjoying our horses....as it can be very dangerous if we pass out while riding or even just in the stall with them......let alone what it does to them mentally....messes up their little psychies...thinking they did something to hurt us.

Take care Rissie....you know how much I care,
Debbie

[last_stanza]

i know how you feel i have no control anymore. i have no will power. my bmi went up two. i have only eaten a banana today (this morning to make my metabolism wake up) and i WILL NOT EAT UNTIL SUNDAY (when I can't get around it because my parents will be there for mealtimes.
i hate this.
i think i want to gain and be normal so i will put on a pound or two and then i will realize what i've done and freak out and diet and realize i was seeing my self wrong and i am NOT thin.