[tifferific]

I've been treated so many times. Yet when I start to get better- a liitle bamn!!! I hunger for anorexia like I fish out of water. I have no regard for anything just that I need to be empty and small. And perhaps dead. I have not been making wise decisions, and I know this but my spirit sings and my mouth drools over starvation. What do I do????

[Lisa Michelle]

I think what helps me is to think of what I want, and then ask myself can I ever have that with anorexia? And the answer is always no. Usually the question is "can I ever be happy with anorexia?". Having anorexia isn't a life, it's hell. Every time I have recovered in the past has usually been when my weight has become really low, I basically get scared, because once you're so low, where do you go from there? You can't KEEP losing weight, you can only die, really. Die or recover. And I know I don't want to die. This last relapse I actually became scared I might die, like I thought it was an actual possibility, but it wasn't until my hair started to fall out (a lot) that I got SO scared that I knew I had to get better. It's vain but I really didn't want all of my hair to fall out, for vanity sake I knew I needed to eat!

And it took a long time but along the way I realised that I felt better. I'm not depressed anymore (but I am also taking an antidepressant, are you taking anything?) I do have anxiety still but I am growing slowly, becomming a person again.

You're not happy when you're starving yourself. You can't be. Your brain literally shrinks, you're not the best that you can be, you lose your memory, you can't engage in conversations, you have nothing to say because all you care about is food and weight. And ultimately none of that matters.

Try visualising things you want to do with your life. Like, for example, I love to travel. But can you do it with anorexia? You can, but it's very difficult, and you'd be miserable. It wouldn't matter if you disovered a gorgeous beach, all you'd care about is how many calories you'd had that day. And there is so much more to life than that.

I think that's when you can recover, when you realise there is nothing enjoyable in an eating disorder, you will never be happy as long as you're starving yourself, you literally can't be happy because you've not even got enough nutrients to have energy or happiness.

Think of all the things you're capable of, all of the amazing experiences you have yet to experience, and think, if you've still got anorexia - will you really enjoy it? Will you see the beauty in things when your mind is so distracted with things of no importance?

I'm not saying I am recovered, but I'm no longer a dangerous weight, I'm a healthy weight and now I'm working on my mind and trying to figure out why I ever feel so bad I need to starve myself. It's not about weight or food (for me at least).
I don't know how you keep the eating disorder away forever, I haven't figured that out yet and I think I will relapse again in the future (always have), but maybe before then I can find some answers. I'm hoping to build my confidence up and my self esteem. Maybe if I LIKE myself I wouldn't feel the need to punish myself. If I knew I was ok as a person, maybe I would let myself stay healthy. Maybe if I thought I could do other things, then I wouldn't fall back into anorexia as a thing I can acomplish. Sometimes I think it's the only thing I can achieve, but I guess I need to learn there are other things that I can do and be successful at.
I'm sure we're all capable of so much more than we realise.

Sorry to write so much, my mind is going about a mile a minute now!
You are worth being well. You deserve to be able to be happy, and unfortunately that's not possible with anorexia. Please, try to find reasons to be well.

I have to absolutely put my children first. Having an eating disorder is a horrible example for them and they need me. I have to fight for them. I have to hope that somewhere along the way I gain some caring for myself as well.

[Lisa Michelle]

roseleigh I find that so admirable that you find the strength to fight this for your kids. They always have to be the most important thing. I hope you want recovery for yourself, too... you deserve that too. x

[tifferific]

Thank you for the insights I want a cure for my crazy ness so I can be free to be the real awesome me.

[Lisa Michelle]

That's great that you know the real you is awesome! Try to remember that more often and be kind to yourself, you deserve it x

[Perna]

Find something in the awesomeness of you that is concrete and pull toward that; in a rip tide, one is supposed to swim sideways to it, not against the pull.

[tifferific]

Thanks so much. I am so afraid right now once again the hospital word has been spoken. And I am left wondering why?
Wow I hate this more than I ever have before. And need it even more so.

[tifferific]

If I could put it all into words I'd say I am everything that I have never wanted to be with anorexia.
Ready now I'm sharing.

I would never be the parent that would risk loosing her life.

But here I am.
I've felt that loss.
Maybe my father would still be here if he believed, ingoing to doctors.
I do go to the doctor but there's part of me that thinks maybe I wasn't worth going to the doc for? Living for. Now my mom is sick same attitude.
I am angry all these fellings come flooding back.

I never want to do that to my kids yet, hey look at me complete fd up idiot. Make my head stop.
Or just let it be over I embarrase myself. I'm a disgrace.!!!!!