[crossfire]

hi, i dont know what i am looking for,i guess id love to find people who are going through the same thing ,i never thought that this would take over my life but some how eating and the lack of eating has .i posted in new member a little about myself but i will tell again a bit.i am 36 and decided that i wanted to lose a little weight now ,it has taking over me,i think about it all the time ,what to eat,when to eat,how little to eat,and when i do eat i feel guilty,i will take laxitives and throw up.or then not eat for days,how do i get off this place i put myself in ,i just want to be normal again ,yet it is so strong ,so strong.

[whoswho]

Welcome to PC.

Have you considered talking to a therapist? How long has this been going on?

[crossfire]

i started to try and lose weight for years but it wasnt till aug ,i started to see things were out of control,when i was passed amount of weight i wanted to lose and started to fear eating ,every bite was painful and every calorie made me feel that i was going to gain the weight back.i then started to find myself drawn to finding ways to keep the weight off and worse i keep seeing to much flab even though others tell me i need to gain weight,i now wont eat without taking laxitives ,i try so hard to not take them,i go to the box and walk away and then i go back and this goes on for hours and then i take them,use to be just every few days but now its everyday if i eat even as few as 100 calories,i think about what i ate ,what i will eat ,i spend hours counting and recounting calories in my notebook,i will stometimes get so hungry that i will eat and eat and eat after not eating for days and thats even worse cause then ,i feel so bad that i vomit and take laxitives and get so depressed about it ,that i si myself,i have also started to get so depressed i cry and dont even know why i am crying,or get so angry i scream over everything,i cant sleep long times and worse is i see all this and no its wrong,but the harder i try to change the worse it becomes,i have just told my doctor what has been going on after she questioned the weight loss and my throat and teeth,so she referred me to a therapist i am to see thursday .honestly i am terrifed and today i was so scared i over did the laxatives as i was bleeding so bad when i went to the bathroom as i was violently throwing up blood too.i hate what i am doing to myself ,but my mind wins ,it always wins.

[whoswho]

I'm really sorry to hear about all of that suffering.

It's difficult to go through hell and back, but remember that it is possible to get through it. The ED doesn't automatically win. You can fight this thing.

Hang in there and keep posting!