Trying SOOO hard not to get triggered from all this.

If you're triggered by laxative talk, it may not be a good idea to read further.

I've had a hell of a couple of days. On Sunday night I had to take a whole bottle of Miralax with Gatorade to prep myself for a colonoscopy. While it sucked having to crap every 15 minutes or so, I noticed that my stomach was flatter than it has been in a while. The eating disorder monster in my head said "OOooh, Lena! You've got a head start now! Now you can stop eating and gee, who would have thought laxatives can be a good thing to slim you up! It's better than barfing!" I was really freaked by those thoughts. I found myself looking in the mirror thinking this was a GOOD thing.

Then I have the colonoscopy on Monday. Turns out I didn't get out all the poo from my colon. So guess what! That evening another bottle of Miralax and another bottle of Gatorade. More crapping every 15 minutes. Again the Eating Disorder Monster purrs into my ears "Look at this! Even less in your tummy! It's looking more flat. You can keep this up if you continue with the laxatives. Who needs to barf any more?"

I have the colonoscopy on Tuesday. Doctor takes some tissue for a biopsy. I find out in two weeks what this means. I'm freaking out.

I ate a sandwich. I cry thinking "Gee, now your belly is going to get big again. LOSER!"

I don't have the Miralax, but I do have the Dulcolax which I also had to take for the procedure.

I fight myself not to touch them.

I never was a laxative abuser before. My purging was through barfing everything up.

Having Crohn's, screwing around with laxatives would probably be the most STUPID thing I can ever think of doing.

Yeah, then someone told me that I've gained weight.

I ****ing hate having an eating disorder. Just when you think you have the upper hand with it, something has to come up to make it that much harder not to do the behaviors.
:cry

Can I just say that it is totally okay to cry. It is healthy to express your emotions and in some cases it is totally freeing.

If you ever wanna talk you can pm me i was bulimic with throwing up and also with laxatives so i kinda know how you might feel. <3 hang in there