[geniousjess]

Sometimes I wish it would just kill me now. I'm so tired of being consumed by the ED. In any normal persons eyes I would have all the solutions in my life you could need, supportive family and friends, a therapist specializing in EDs, a dietician specializing in EDs, but for some reason I'm not getting well. I know its ultimately me who has to do the work, who has to start changing, but I never do. Today I realized my ED has been by my side, supporting me, longer than anyone. Sure my familys been there, but my ED has truly stood by and helped me through a lot. Now its killing me. Now it makes me feel like killing myself. I'm so tired of fighting. I've been trying to recover since 2007. I've taken breaks before, but I feel if I did that now id end up dead. I hate myself, I hate my ED, but I am so afraid of living without it. I don't even know who I am because I've been so consumed by it. I should have the perfect life, but in my eyes, nothing is ever good enough, ever. Ill never recover until I accept things as imperfect, accept my best efforts and stop expecting perfection. I don't know how to do that, so for now its a fight just to survive each day.

[eskielover]

Sometimes I wish it would just kill me now.

That is what you are doing.

I'm so tired of being consumed by the ED. In any normal persons eyes I would have all the solutions in my life you could need, supportive family and friends, a therapist specializing in EDs, a dietician specializing in EDs, but for some reason I'm not getting well.

Because they are wanting you to recover. They are telling you what you need to do, but you aren't able to understand & know how to apply what they are saying into the reality of your own mind, thoughts, & actions, or you don't really want to, or are too afraid to make the changes they suggest because it means you WILL have to change the way you think & act.

I hate myself,
I am so afraid of living without it.
I don't even know who I am
in my eyes, nothing is ever good enough, ever.

What exactly has your T been working with you on????if not these things? Until you resolve the things that are underlying the ED, you will NEVER get will & WILL end up dying from it.

never recover until I accept things as imperfect

What things are these that you expect to be perfect?

accept my best efforts and stop expecting perfection

What things other than trying to recover from your ED does this apply to?

I don't know how to do that

Your therapist should have been working with you on these issues since 2007 & teaching you HOW. Know it doesn't change overnight & it does take "practice to make perfect" the changes that you need to make, so until you keep practicing the changes necessary & practice changing the thinking that is causing the problem.....something you need to be working on with your T.

Maybe you should seek getting involved in a DBT group that helps with thought processes & learning healthy skills for dealing with things like this. I have learned that the things we do & the way we act is due to pathways that our mind takes & they say that the only way to change the pathways is to continually practice different actions as responses rather than the ones we are currently doing. When we practice those different actions long enough, those previous neuro pathways are replaced by the new ones....thus being able to change our behavioral responses to things.

Sounds like you have a lot of supposedly good people trying to help you, but the problem is until it becomes something other than JUST intellectual knowledge they continue to throw at you, you have NOTHING to work with to make the changes you need to survive this. Yes, this takes the desire & being open to wanting to change first of all, then a lot of personal work & practice understanding HOW to changing the way you understand & see things. Without the continual practice of the change to perfect it, it will never happen.....but the change is definitely possible.

I have struggled with anorexia, even through it's been caused by major trauma & stress....& one time by meds with a huge desire to die that time anyway.....but recovery is possible & I'm finding that the DBT group that I am involved in (thanks to my psychologist's suggestion) has really been an enlightenment on my thought processes & becoming more aware of my actions & the why's involved in them along with choosing the WISE solution.

You are right....only YOU can get yourself to recover, but until it really becomes a personal thing, something that YOU really want to do rather than something that others want you to do, you will never get from where you are to being recovered.

Wishing you the desire, the understanding, & the energy to win this war.