[SDLAM]

So now that I'm on just an outpatient basis for treatment I can sort of see myself slipping again. I'm back to counting calories and going to the gym everyday (not for long periods of time really actually quite short but still becoming a compulsion, and I've been a compulsive exerciser so I know just feeling a need to go everyday is a bad start for me). I try and remain under a certain number of calories everyday. It started getting worse this week because I was like I should lose all the weight I lost during iop at my new place and this would seem like an ideal time because I didn't have tests this week. Now though I just want to keep losing weight. I don't remember how I ever was comfortable with myself and eating at the end of treatment. I don't want this to be like a I need to be in more intense treatment forever. I've been trying for the past year to recover (which I know isnt a lot compared to others). I see my therapist again this Saturday but I just really feel this overwhelming desire to keep losing weight. Last week we had a mixer and I lied to everyone and told them I didn't feel well so I could leave when really I was just having such a bad body image night and the negative thoughts were so strong I couldnt take it and just wanted to go back to my room. Or today I skipped my first two classes because I wanted to sleep so I could not have to deal with being hungry and not wanting to eat breakfast during class. That isn't something that I usually do though. I also realize that I'm not at my worst like when I was really bad I was failing my classes and had no social life whereas right now I have good friends and am not failing my classes. Also, Thanksgiving is coming soon which means going home. My symptoms are usually worse at home and I weigh about the same as when my parents last saw me and I hate that I didn't manage to lose weight.

oh wow... this was longer than I intended

[bluegirl...?]

I am so sorry you feel like this........ *hugs*

Maybe you could try talking to a friend? They could help until you see your T..... I wish you felt better..... *hugs*

...Blue