Just a rant about stuff that I think is more significant than it probably is...

I don't know a lot about the medical or psychological aspects of anorexia, just all the personal experiences. I always thought the reason I was doing this because I wanted to lose weight but I think there is something else to it. It was just a thought I had that lead to a bunch of research. I found out that anorexia was about control. Now I knew I self injure for control but I had no idea that I starved myself for it too. So I guess that lead to more introspection and research. I think I figured I out.

When I was 12, my mother came back. She had left when I was 4 months old but my dad told me about her and I had photos but I never felt like I knew her. I was so happy she was back, so was my sister and so was my dad. We knew she was a little unstable so we normally let her do what she wants. Turns out, she's a control freak. From telling me who to talk to to telling me what color my sheets should be in my dorm room, she has to be the one deciding it. For example, my computer has time locks and censors content and websites. Parental controls put on by her. I don't get it, I'm 18! I don't need her to tell me not to look at porn and sit online at 3am. Even out television has locking, EVERY channel is locked, only with a password, which only she knows (not even my dad knows...), can you watch anything. It's ******** but I guess you get the picture. Ever since she returned, she took control of everything. My dad and I used to cook meals together and we would just make whatever we wanted when ever. Now, my mom has a lock on the pantry and she makes what she wants and tells us to eat it. My dad and I used to go to the park late late late at night with a telescope and teach me about stars and tell me the legends about it. Now, my telescope is collectng dust behind a locked attic.

The point that I'm getting to isn't that I hate her (which is certainly feels like I do). What I'm trying to say is that maybe she's the one who caused me to do this. I mean, I started restricting what I ate at the age of 12. I started cutting at the age of 12. Am I wrong to think that my mother did this to me? I know I thought, "I'll show her what I can do without her." many times with the intention to get back at her by being the smallest person ever and rubbing it in her lardy-*** face. Is it a long stretch to think that her controlling behaviour is why I tried to control my body by starving?

I don't think it's a long stretch. I started restricting at age five. I certainly was not worried about body image then and that's the age I was first diagnosed. . I had a lot of tramatic things happening that I could not control and this became my outlet. Body image effects me now but it is still mostly a control issue for me. I have not had an easy life by any means and this is my number one coping skill. I wish the media would give a little focus to this aspect instead of just the body image problems alone. Even when my bipolar is out if control. I restrict, it's very clear to me why I am doing this. But not clear to others.

I need This to be clear to me. I've been doing this for years and stll don't fully understand why.

It can be pretty confusing, sometimes my reasons varry, but control is number one - self satisfaction, body image number two, anger probably number three. It hlped me to look back at various times in my life and try to remeber what I was feeling and thinking. I mean these reasons are all mingled together, When it's control the body image problems are still present.

I hope that helps a bit. I think we all have numerous reasons for doing what we do.

I think that other things than body image are the catalyst that starts the anorexia......sometimes I think that it's their filling the heads full of the body image idea that has placed it is any place of prominence in anorexia anyway.

I know that I never wanted to be overweight like I saw my mother & grandmother who were always wanting to diet.....but I never dealt with anorexia until after I lost my career & depression took over. The prozac my pdoc put me on made my appetite go away......then I thought that anorexia would be a good passive suicide since the other attempts weren't successful & that way, my family have to deal with those issues. I remember being in the eating orders treatment center for over a month & they kept pounding in our heads about body image....the farthest thing from my head actually.

I don't really know what turned it around but for several years, I would end up in the hospital with a central line & IV nutrition. The problem just seemed to go away along with the suicidal feelings mostly. I gained the weight back & a bit too much more with the horrible migraines I was having & all the other side effects with the meds my pdoc was trying. I finally got pain medication that was the only thing that helped my migraines & I was able to start riding my horse again & the exercise was helping with the weight loss just to get it back down to a healthy weight (oh the pendulum was swinging).

Right at that point, we had a forest fire & the smoke covered the valley I was living in & I couldn't breath & asthma landed me in the hospital for 10 days....the smell of smoke made eating a horrible tasting thing. Then right after that, my mare had her foal & she was injured at 3 weeks old & I had to care for her leg & worried about her at the same time my mother was dying from cancer & I went through a horrible trauma with the home care person that threatened not only her life, but mine. I wasn't getting any support from anyone let alone any validation that I was going through what was actually happening around me. At that point, the stress was so bad that I couldn't eat without getting sick, so I chose NOT TO EAT because I didn't like how I felt when I did try to eat.....the weight just fell off so bad it dropped to the other side of safe. Stress & bad things happening in my life were always a trigger to feeling sick & not feeling like eating & loosing weight none of which had anything to do with body image, but the fact that I never wanted to be overweight like my mother was the only thing they would focus on.

It was interesting after getting out of the hospital after my mother died (I ended up in the medical hospital on & off for over a month), my PDOC & MD were insisting that I go to an eating disorders treatment center.......I called around to many & explained my situation & what had caused my diagnosed anorexia.....& they said that they couldn't help me because my problem had "nothing to do with body image".

I think that there are so many issues that trigger the anorexia. Know there are people who have had abortions & people who have been abused as children who are dealing with anorexia & their causes really had nothing to do with body image at all in reality. I know there are some where that is the cause......but I also know that when I start to loose weight, there is something about seeing the scales continuing to drop.....really can be kind of an addicting feeling & just want to see how far it can really drop.....but for me the sick feeling I get from the stress is the overall reason for the anorexia to continue to the point it does.....& until the stress passes, there is no controlling the anorexia no matter how hard I try to force myself to eat.

I have been feeling for a long time (since 1995) that their view of anorexia was very narrow minded & that they kept trying to put the thoughts into my mind about why I was doing it......when I really knew & they wouldn't listen.