[cmlwtcos]

whether it's starving my self or trying to recover, i have no control. i do exactly the opposite than i want to.

if i decide that i want to stop this ******** and get better, i end up not eating for 4 days but if i decide to fast for a week i end up binging that night. i can't do trick myself because it's ****ing impossible to do that.

i'm so conflicted about everything it's really messed up and stupid and i can't do anything, not even explain how i'm feeling about this.

[Wysteria]

Originally Posted by cmlwtcos

whether it's starving my self or trying to recover, i have no control. i do exactly the opposite than i want to.

if i decide that i want to stop this ******** and get better, i end up not eating for 4 days but if i decide to fast for a week i end up binging that night. i can't do trick myself because it's ****ing impossible to do that.

i'm so conflicted about everything it's really messed up and stupid and i can't do anything, not even explain how i'm feeling about this.

_________________________________________________

Dear Z-

I don't know where you are in your recovery..or what you've accepted yet..but from what you are saying, you seem to know that you are anorexic and bulimic. Thus you are in a balancing act that is VERY, very hard to manage. If you get too hungry..your body will try to overeat (binge)..and that is what the anorexia is trying to get it to do. You are fighting your own survival instincts. You are very deeply in your disease, and its voice is very, very loud.

As you know, this is what makes our disease different from other addictions - we have to eat...we have to face our addictions fully, in the face, 3 times a day. Alcoholics do not have to walk into a liquor store 3 times a day. This does NOT make us special NOR give us an excuse....it is just the NATURE of our beast. It just means we have to be smarter.

Z, I don't know what kind of support system you have, but you canNOT face this dual addiction on your own. There is NO recovery in a vacuum or without significant PROFESSIONAL support, and group support, and individual support. You have to be taught how to manage this balancing act, and how to eat normally, and what is healthy for you. At this point you probably have no idea any more. I know for a fact that I didn't, and still am learning and struggling. These addicitions/diseases are not just fly by night trends, or something you can hide and fix on the side. They are not just some 'coping mechanisms' or quick fixes for stress. They have to be faced head on, with a lot of help. It will all be about connection.

I know, I have been and am in your shoes from A-Z including everything in your profile and more, and I'm a lot older than you and have hidden it for a long time. I have seen people die. This disease is cunning and smart and everytime you learn something, it will too. But it absolutely CAN be beaten. I have many friends that live healthy lives and are FREE!!! But you will have to decide to be totally honest, forthright and give up that control that you are so desperately clinging to like a lifeline. We ALL cling to it. That is the addiction in reality, that we can somehow control our pain and the fill the hole in ourselves by controlling our bodies or some vestige of our reality by being thin or whatever. I saw some girls in another post talking about the "high" of it...It is NOT beautiful...it is UGLY and FEARSOME!!! It really scared me to see them glorifying it.

What you "can't say", is that in reality, you are truly out of control...and you are scared.. So I will say it for you. I'm scared for you. I will also hope that you will take the last vestiges of bravery you have and seek a real ED nutritionist and psychiatrist and ED experienced therapist and get the experienced help that you really need to beat this insane disease and addiction. If you need to go to a treatment center for a while to immerse yourself in health and jump start your recovery...then make the decision to do it wholeheartedly. There are many, many really good treatment centers (and some not so good ones...)

I have been in your shoes, am in your shoes, TOTALLY get where you are coming from...but your pain and fear and shame and guilt and disease are your own...
There is SOOO much help out there. So many people just waiting to take your hand and help you through this. So many people like me that can give you real advice and real stories of success and strength and hope. So many professionals that are correctly trained and know how to support and guide you to FREEDOM. There are lots of support groups and books and so many other resources for you...

Your friends and family may, or may not be, the best sources of support right now. They may or may not truly know how to help you even though they love you dearly. You need experienced people that have been doing battle with ED for years! The ones that will help you face it head on and will not listen when ED is talking for you...

It is up to you.

I wish only healing, hope, love and freedom for you Z. Please don't wait. Studies have proven that the quicker you face and tackle this addiction, the better the odds of recovery for you. People like me that wait and hide and stay in ignorance have a much, much harder time of it, and have to work twice as hard to recover.

I believe in you because you are already reaching out, you have already named your disease. And somehow, I believe that you want to be free to live your life naturally and peacefully and with a whole heart...

But it comes down to you reaching out. You fighting to find the right people to help you.. and you being brutally honest with yourself and others as to where you really are and how much you are hurting and what you need, and if you don't know, to ASK, and ASK again until you get the right answers and the right support team for you in place!!! Fight for yourself Z!...
and we are all here behind you to support you in that fight!!!

I hope you take my message as a message of hope...and as it is intended, as a message from my heart to yours...to just stop the pain I hear in your voice and seek the help you need. I believe you can do this, Z.

You DESERVE to be happy and free just like every one else here. Believe that! I know it is a hard message to take in..but keep saying it to yourself...

We are NOT bad people trying to get good, we are ill trying to get WELL. - There is NO shame in that!!!

My hand is in yours....if you want to message me, feel free..
if I have made you angry, I am sorry...I mean no disrespect in any way...I am no expert, just someone in the same boat as you...just a little further down the river than you.

Respectfully and with only love,

Wysteria Blue