[Lostgirl791]

Hi

This is my first post on the forum and I was looking for some advice. I've been seeing a counsellor for a couple of months now in relation to childhood abuse. We've touched on my issues with food as we've gone along but it's an area I feel I'm really struggling with.

It's kind of a long story but started when I was very young, maybe 6 or so. I became obsessed with food, and now through counselling think it stemmed from my Mum's breakdown. She was convinced that her three children were malnourished and starving, would pile our plates high with food. During her breakdown (I don't remember it) she said I didn't want to go to school so would bribe me with money to buy sweets on the way. I think this must be where the obsession has come from.

Anyway, due to low self esteem and different issues my whole life has been ruled by two forces - extended periods of binging and then strict dieting. Stones and stones put on and lost. When I binge it is to comfort eat but also to get my body as fat as I can so I can start dieting again. It's horrible thinking that I've done this all my life.

Well, I thought I finally had things under control when I joined a slimming club and lost weight there. It taught me about sensible eating etc, but now I feel I've lost complete control over the dieting. I reached then reset my target weight and now I am well below it. I feel worse than ever about my body and have started lots of obsessive weighing, body checking behaviours. I don't starve myself but am very strict about what I eat, it's very regimented and go through periods of using laxitives. I still feel a fat, horrible mess. I'm tall so can carry or loose weight a bit easier than other women I suppose. Days when I think I've had a "good" day I'm lucky if it's low calories. Have tried hard to buy the non fat free foods but I'm terrified of putting on weight again.

I keep setting myself stupid goals, saying things like "you'll feel better when you get to X weight" but I never do. I've lost weight now and feel worse than I did when I started. My family and friends have commented how thin I am but I don't know how to say enough is enough and stop. I plucked up the courage to speak to my counsellor on Wed but I got reallly disappointed in her response. I don't know what I was expecting but she didn't really take me on, just asked what might happen if I lost the control? what was I afraid of.

I feel like I'm silently screaming inside and no-one can hear me.Then I start thinking that I don't have a problem, everyone has their hang ups with food. I don't really know where to turn. I don't know if counselling will help me find the solutions I need, talking about things seems to be making it worse as I don't know how to dig myself out.

Any advice or thoughts would be really appreciated
Lostgirl x

[AlabasterMoon]

If you're feeling worse now that ever, and you've been yo-yo dieting the majority of your life, you might be looking at hormonal imbalances in glucose, insulin, serotonin, thyroid, or any host of other medical conditions. The place to start is not with your therapist, but with a gynecologist or a primary doctor. Do it very soon if you haven't already. Your life may depend on it. You might think that you're too young to develop a chronic illness, but even young people suffer irreversible disease.