[inkblot]

Why does it have to be so wrong? Why does it feel so good when I feel so bad? Why do I have to be afraid to eat with other people? Why, as time goes on, do I feel more drawn in to this self-destructive way of life? Why do I love it so much when it can make me cry? Why is it this isn't really even about food? Why...

[sniffles]

Hello inkblot. I have been going to eating disorder support group sessions, here in Sheffield, and I have been learning a lot. I think I might be able to give you some answers here.
First question: "Why does it have to be so wrong?" - I don't think this is something that is so wrong. Eating disorders are not something we choose to do. It's something that you fell victim to. It's like cancer...you don't choose to have it. It's just something that happens. On the other hand, for instance, smoking is something people choose to do, for a fix or to be popular, etc.

Second question: "Why does it feel so good when I feel so bad?" - It feels good to people for different reasons, but it might be that it's because it's something in your life that you can have some control over. By that I mean, you have control over what goes in your mouth and what comes out of your mouth. It may be a comfort to you. It may make you feel safe. For whatever reason, this is something you've learned to like, even though it makes you feel bad when you thrive on it.

Third question: "Why do I have to be afraid to eat with other people?" - Again...a number of reasons. Maybe you're afraid of their reaction to you if you do eat. Maybe because of the guilt that you'll feel if you do or don't eat. Maybe because you're scared that they'll think something bad of you, like...omg she's eating, therefore she'll gain weight and be fat and ugly. I don't know...I just know it's the way I feel when I am forced to eat in front of other people.

Forth question: "Why, as time goes on, do I feel more drawn in to this self-destructive way of life?" - The answer to this is simple. It's become a way of life for you. It's 'your' coping mechanism to deal with things in your life that aren't so pleasant. Something goes wrong...you turn to it for comfort...for safety....for security.

Fifth question: "Why do I love it so much when it can make me cry?" - again...it's a comfort. It's the one coping mechanism you have to make you feel better when you're down. For some reason, negative coping mechanisms, such as an eating disorder, or drinking, or smoking, etc, can make us feel better, when in reality it's doing us more harm than good.

And the last question: "Why is it this isn't really even about food?" - It isn't about food because it's about something much deeper. Maybe it's a product of abuse, or peer pressure, or depression, or anything really. Whatever the 'true' issue is, it needs to be found out and brought to the surface, so you can start to learn how to cope and deal with it.

Eating disorders DON'T have to be a way of life. You can stop the behavior through therapy, maybe hospitalization for awhile, maybe some medications if linked to a mental problem, such a depression, or just flat out making your mind up that you aren't going to partake in the self-destructive ways. I'm not going to tell you it's easy, because it isn't. It's the most hard thing I've had to overcome. But there is hope for a better future, and a better way of life. Please...if there is anything I can do to help you, please don't hesitate to ask. Just shoot me a line and I'll respond. I do hope this helped, if even a bit.
sniffles

[Rapunzel]

Inky,

Maybe you would be interested in a book that could help you understand a lot of those questions. Women Who Hurt Themselves by Dusty Miller. It's not just about SI, but about all of the self-destructive things that we do and "Trauma Reenactment Syndrome." The author discusses why we do those things as well as what it takes to heal.

Here's one of the reviews from Amazon:

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A new perspective on why women with eating disorders, compulsions, obsessions, and self abuse disorders act out in self-harmful ways. In order to understand these women, it is necessary, says the author, to understand TRS, or Trauma Reenactment Syndrome. All of the women in this book were subconsciously reenacting experienced trauma in childhood. Once made to comprehend that, the women were given a "program" of sorts to help them find their way out of the ever progressive syndrome of self abuse. This book made me look at this syndrome with new eyes and a clearer understanding of the courage the women she writes about have. This book will provide assistance for the many women out there who live with the shame of their obsessions, and will provide hope for a brighter tomorrow. Dusty Miller writes to the average reader, as well as to therapists and other professionals. The book is easy to understand and hard to put down.

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